It's interesting to note that there are trends that occur that are coincidental on the surface but not really when looked at closer. I've noticed a trend guiding me to write. I've been actively avoiding writing as of late. I don't know why. I think I got bored with writing. I think I got angry at writing. All the effort and thinking I'm clever with words that I refuse to share with others in case they tell me I'm not as clever as I think I am, which means I must not think I'm as clever as I think I am so it becomes an exercise is self loathing and then wallowing silently in big pouty bottom lipped pity. I keep my personal dramas to myself, and trust me, you're glad for that.
Now it's trends. See, I don't believe in signs anymore. I used to, but not now. That goes away when we remove gods, ghosts, angels and the whole supernatural category from the equation. No, it's trends now! So I've been whining silently that I want to write. Whimper, whine, more bejeweled and Facebook to avoid the growing hole of wanting to write. I won't look at the books on how to write on my shelf. I'm not going to look at the notebooks I've collected over the years with half efforts. I'll not even go near the stationary aisle and want to pickup an fresh, empty 5 subject notebook to fill with whatever my wee heart desires. I think I'd finally moved past the yearning and into something else entirely (crocheted Sassyface a cardigan - it looks awesome!) when someone, some random person on whose blog I used to follow, under the folder of "Writing" on my google-reader which I've not read in months because I'm not worthy and just didn't want to be jealous and crushed all the time reading of others successes, mentioned it's coming time for NaNoWriMo.
Fuck! Just Grrrrr. Fuck fuck fuck. Usually I remember this on the 3rd of Nov. or some other late date and shrug and forget it all. But now I have weeks! Even though one of those weeks in November I'll be on vacation. Heeeeey...I'd forgotten that fact until just now. I'm not going to be near a computer for one of those weeks! Ha! Fuck you trends! No need to buy a notebook, or write a synopsis or even plot! No need to torment myself with my lack of ability! No need to pay it any mind at fucking all.
Why don't I feel better?