You were always on my mind...

So where's the brain brillo pad because I want to scrape that crap off!? Nothing worse than dried, crusty, stuck-on memories that pop up in dreams of all places and then set up home in my mind for a few days. The subconscious is such an annoying thing. It's all symbolism and metaphor that's completely personal and makes no sense to no one else. It's purpose is unfathomable. I had a dream the other night of an ex boyfriend. I can't even remember the dream now but I've talked before that his appearances are always a symbol of my insecurity about place in society and having personal strength to not let myself be taken advantage of. Because he was in reality someone who took advantage and was a total coward and we'll leave it at that. That all aside,  when he shows up in a dream I'm left thinking about him for a day or two - why?? Why not just say "creepy dream" and let it drop? I hate that I allow myself time to reflect on parts of my past that do nothing but remind me of what a perfect decision it was to let him go and move on to where my happiness was going to satisfied. If the dream's purpose (as if a dream has a purpose, which I don't believe. Dreams are merely memory soup and replays of daily automatics) was to remind me of that - why can't it play a dream of me overcoming adversity and leaving me, upon awakening, feeling fucking chuffed at what a hero I truly am?  I need a new brain.

I had a youtube comment sent to me today that read:

"I feel really sorry for you finding the love and forgiveness of God scary. Do you have any idea how unloving and unforgiving society was before Christianity? Your children deserve to know about God."

 I didn't elaborate too much in my response on the naivete of this comment because they seem to be the softly, loving kind of Christian I find the least offensive, yet this comment still bothers me. History will show many centuries of disgusting war and violence was meted upon societies across Europe, Africa and America all becuase of a belief in God and the bible as the word of God. Society didn't suddenly become glowing warm fuzzies and perfect after Jesus was resurrected.

Do I find God loving and forgiving? Was telling Abraham to murder his only son, Issac, who he loved as an offering to God the kind of thing a good god/father asks his son? Sounds a bit cruel to me. I'd have said no. But Abe didn't, putting his poor son through who knows what kind of terror as he raised his knife ready to slash into him. Imagine what dinner was like at Abe's that night, son glaring at father for almost stabbing him, Abe feeling...what do you think he'd feel like? "Lucky for us that ram happened by, eh son?"  I could go on, but that would be boring. And none of this "That was OT God, not NT God,"  crap either because even Jesus thought God was cruel and explains why in the parable of talents....which is followed by the story of where Jesus tells his followers to go steal a horse for the Lord as if that's explanation enough for horse rustling...which is a sin, right? Convenient how the rules only apply sometimes.

My kids know about gods. Many of them. Through stories and history. They see the patterns of man who create religion as a tool for order. To organize society. To tell them one god is better over another is unfair because who can know if any one is right? I do not teach them the entire concept of worship except that it is what people do in religion. That we do not worship anything nor beg supernatural beings for support or personal preference. If we want something done, we have to make it happen ourselves, if it doesn't go our way then that is just how it is and there are no other explanations.

I'm out to get my hair done today, cut and lowlights put through. I've decided to stop colouring my hair and let the grey show. For a while, maybe a year - I'll have lowlights put through to make the line between old colour and natural less stark and trashy. I think the natural will suit me. It seems to have gone a lighter, ashy brown with the grey mixed in. I have a grey streak at my left temple. It will probably naturally streak blonde in the summer. I have noticed my eyebrows have white hairs in them, and even my eyelashes have a few whites too. No joy on armpits though and the rest is none of your business.