I spend way too much time in the internet. It's a fact. I know it. The size of my arse knows it. It's one of the few things that gets me all the information I crave. In fact I didn't even know I craved so much information before the internet came along - boy was I an ignorant chit in my youth! I was so gullible! You could tell me something, sound all serious like you know what you're on about and I ate it up because I knew I didn't know anything about it. I seriously hate researching in a library and wouldn't bother to fact check. I don't like the way libraries smell, I don't like the forced eerie quiet and I don't like the snooty older gent who hogs a whole table, has elbow patches on his wool cardigan and smells faintly of moth balls. I think those guys are a unique library-bred species of human because I never see them out in the real world. If I was canny with my Latin I'd make up a name for him.
I find web browsing to be the modern equivalent to a text adventure game. Long ago before Nintendo made consoles there was Zork, Adventure and the like. Games that were exclusively text based and understood only the most basic instructions. North, South, East, West, Up, Down, Take, Drop, Attack, Stab, Kiss... That was pretty much it. Yet one's imagination created a wonderful world from the simplest script. You had to create your own maps. It was Fun!!
Web browsing is just like that but unfortunately there's no end to this game. There's no reason for it. You simply start in one place and end up...you just don't know where. It's Urban rambling at your desk.
Today I was trying to find a particular skit in a UK TV show and I can't remember the name of it - not unusual. It's the big guy shouting into his huge phone. Just remembered his name! Dom Joly - how could one forget that name??? Anyway I couldn't at the time and googled "Hello?? I'm on the phone!!!" because that's what Joly shouts on his enormous phone. Yet I get a hit for an article that talks about how people are now being buried with their mobile phones and their family members are still paying their phone bills so that they can keep calling and leaving messages to them - in the grave!! Is there no escape?! Can you imagine in 2000 years when the archeologists dig those people up what they'll be thinking about our society?? I keep thinking about how people used to be buried with a string attached to their hand which was then attached to a wee bell above ground so if it turned out they weren't really dead they could ring for help. Will they think it's just a modern version of that? That medical science was still so shit that they couldn't be trusted to diagnose death. That they would still need to be buried with their phones to call for help?? Wild.
Anyways. Internet. Great way to waste some time.
This is the bit I was looking for before the corpse calls distraction...
No embedding allowed. Nerds.
...now imagine you've buried your loved one, and they actually do call you "Honey...why am I in a dark box? I'm down to one bar...you're breaking up..." or worse they get your voice mail, and you're like me and never check voice mail for months.