I get very frustrated at the limit of my mind to absorb information. I'm always searching, learning, reading, researching and finding new things to learn about. One subject often spins into another and then another. Eventually, after days of cramming, I will get a headache, my eyes will be puffy and sore, I get flu-like symptoms and I really need to stop but I keep telling myself; one more page. One more page and then I'll go find something else to do. Then I don't. I persist. Until the words on the screen actually begin to warp. At the moment the square of the Firefox window is slightly bowed in the middle. I know rationally it's not, I'm just seeing things. I need to step back and go paint my toenails or something but I really want to be smart. I want to know everything. I want to know what makes it all tick. I want to unravel the world and know all the answers, even if I make myself sick in the process. To be honest...I am making myself sick.
Sad part is, I'm not writing anything down, I'm just eternally skimming information because I've found the limits that my brain has for information absorption. I'm reading books that I have to re-read three times to get the jist of and then it's only a jist and not real understanding. It's so frustrating to think I'm not able to get this stuff, and yet I know I have struggles in these areas - I failed algebra four times and that's not exactly rocket science. I never want to accept that there is a limit to my abilities. I know I'll never do a split - trust me I tried for years, I just don't bend that way - but learning stuff was different! I can learn anything! And in all honestly I genuinely can learn everything, it just takes longer than I think it should.
I'm not thick. I just need a little more time. I need to feel confident I have the actual measure of the information I'm given. I just wish my brain would figure it all out a bit quicker, bnecause I'm impatient and want to carry on learning more stuff.
Also, I love that I can bake a fabulous fruit bread with chocolate chips, but hate that I then eat the bread. I am getting so fat. I must keep telling myself: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should!!
My radio course starts next week. That may be the break I need to pull me out of my torments.
Been craving a cigarette like mad this week and I don't know why. I even have phantom smoke taste at the back of my throat. I've not had a cigarette in three years.
Sassyface is away until Friday on a school camping trip. I miss her and just want it to be Friday already so I know she's safe.