Wednesday, October 14, 2009

My head will pop one day...

I get very frustrated at the limit of my mind to absorb information. I'm always searching, learning, reading, researching and finding new things to learn about. One subject often spins into another and then another. Eventually, after days of cramming, I will get a headache, my eyes will be puffy and sore, I get flu-like symptoms and I really need to stop but I keep telling myself; one more page. One more page and then I'll go find something else to do. Then I don't. I persist. Until the words on the screen actually begin to warp. At the moment the square of the Firefox window is slightly bowed in the middle. I know rationally it's not, I'm just seeing things. I need to step back and go paint my toenails or something but I really want to be smart. I want to know everything. I want to know what makes it all tick. I want to unravel the world and know all the answers, even if I make myself sick in the process. To be honest...I am making myself sick.

Sad part is, I'm not writing anything down, I'm just eternally skimming information because I've found the limits that my brain has for information absorption. I'm reading books that I have to re-read three times to get the jist of and then it's only a jist and not real understanding. It's so frustrating to think I'm not able to get this stuff, and yet I know I have struggles in these areas - I failed algebra four times and that's not exactly rocket science. I never want to accept that there is a limit to my abilities. I know I'll never do a split - trust me I tried for years, I just don't bend that way - but learning stuff was different! I can learn anything! And in all honestly I genuinely can learn everything, it just takes longer than I think it should.

I'm not thick. I just need a little more time. I need to feel confident I have the actual measure of the information I'm given. I just wish my brain would figure it all out a bit quicker, bnecause I'm impatient and want to carry on learning more stuff.

Also, I love that I can bake a fabulous fruit bread with chocolate chips, but hate that I then eat the bread. I am getting so fat. I must keep telling myself: Just because you can, doesn't mean you should!!

My radio course starts next week. That may be the break I need to pull me out of my torments.

Been craving a cigarette like mad this week and I don't know why. I even have phantom smoke taste at the back of my throat. I've not had a cigarette in three years.

Sassyface is away until Friday on a school camping trip. I miss her and just want it to be Friday already so I know she's safe.


Maja said...

Don't worry, I don't think you're the only person to feel a bit dumb. I have moments all the time where I feel like I'm not able to learn or understand a concept.

I have a theory though! I think that knowledge has to be gained incrementally. You learn simple concepts first, and then you slowly build on those concepts to learn more complicated things. And you can't expect to take it all in on the first go. You need to practice or read the same things over and over again to get it all to sink in. And you need to experience the same thing in a multitude of situations or scenarios before you finally understand the whole thing.

And you can't know everything. That's why people become specialists in certain fields or subjects. You can either know a little bit about everything or a lot about one thing. No one knows everything about everything.

ree said...

I find that too many distractions (like, living...) have made it very difficult for me to focus lately. Or it may just be age and general lack of sleep.

Be easy on yourself. xxoo

Victoria said...

wrote a whole thing and it didn't go through:

You might be getting that phantom taste due to tar still working itself out of your lungs, which does take years (= a really good thing) but it's causing you to have a craving (= bad, don't do it!).

It's great that you want to continually learn (even to the point of pain!). One of my teachers stressed that "learning" happens in the breaks between study (sleep, walking away, going on to another subject) and that studying for shorter periods + more often was the best way to keep that info in your brain.

Nej said...

My hubby thinks I'm nuts. I love baking, but never eat it. I take it to work, to friends, wherever....but it has to go away and out of the house immediately. :-) :-)

I don't think you are thick at all. You want to learn it all, and the brain can only take in so much at a time (if you want to retain it).

tornwordo said...

I can so relate. I also had a mad craving yesterday, but that was because spouse was puffing away next to me.

Rox said...

I still wake up some mornings having had dreams of smoking. Once a junkie, always a junkie.

I say don't learn EVERYTHING, just learn what you can about the things you love. Loving something can make learning it easier!

Doug said...

Everyone has limitations. My wife took math through vector calculus, complex analysis, and linear algebra, and she still remembers much of it, but she gets lost if she doesn't have her GPS with her. I can do a beautiful suturing job on a cut-up lip but I can't serve a volleyball. (Oh, I can do wordtwist, too . . .;)