Thursday, August 20, 2009

Weird day and I'm hormonal...

I'm a bit touchy today and I have no real reason to be touchy so I can only assume it's one of two things; dehydration or hormone flux. Possibly both but I've started taking these new vitamins - obviously having caved into the nonstop TV onslaught of vitamin peddlers telling me they could make me perky and sprightly and popular - my urine is luminous yellow. Scary shade for anyone to discover in the pan. Not recommended for women who leak a little when they sneeze*, or at least - don't wear white underwear. These vitamins are the kind of thing people should be force fed in order to know exactly who peed in the pool, with that telltale fanning of Mountain Dewness (The soda) they can't swim fast enough away from.

I have managed to keep my grumpiness to myself for which everyone should be grateful, however I would like to use my blog to point out something in particular to one woman I eavesdropped on: There she was, slightly tired and possibly hungover woman with her friend who was dressed almost identically in outfits I know I wore in the early 90's (black leggings, extra long white tee-shirt with a baggy sweatshirt on top and plimsoles). She was moaning on to her friend about how old she was looking. Crows feet and those little lines that creep around the mouth and you know, the only reason she keeps her fringe is because she doesn't want to show the road map that's developing on her forehead. Her friend told her not to be silly, she was gorgeous, and I nodded silent agreement as the woman for all that she was rather silly was in fact very attractive. Then the moany woman announced that she was almost thirty and looked like she was almost forty! Again, I nodded my head, because she did in fact look much closer to forty and I was wide-eyed, looking out the window of the tram for someone to peer at and send silent messages of "Holy fuck! She's in her twenties?! Damn."

To this young woman I want to offer some advice; perhaps if you hadn't spent most of your life applying a thick layer of foundation and powder from forehead to cleavage, you may have tried using some sunscreen and moisturizer once in a while. I mean, the make-up doesn't even match your natural skin colour, you've wiped on many shades too dark and it's vividly apparent when you wear short sleeves that your face and neck don't match your arms. With all of that slap on, there's no way you'd wipe it all off to re-apply the sunscreen after lunch and then put your make-up back on. Your face is the victim of your vanity - how fucking ironic is that?! I feel sorry for the friend who was tasked with bolstering your ego because I'm sure she was thinking the same as me if she had any sense but sadly she just petted your esteem and told you well intentioned lies. Dear woman, stop with all the make-up, and start using some Olay and factor 30. Your 60 year old self will appreciate the efforts.

Also, I'm the Slummy Mummy of the day because I fed my kids pot noodles and hot dogs for dinner because the pests were annoying me with their whining for dinner - at 4:30!! So they got dinner at 5 and all I did was boil water. Though, that confession aside, the hot dogs were damned nice.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to see how many gallons of water it takes to get my pee clear again.

*...and if you do then for fuck sake will you do your Kegels! Do you want to be the stinky pee lady when you're old?? No. So do those clenches and stop being a knicker dribbler. This goes for men too because you think we don't notice the wet spot on the front of your trousers and you can tell us it's splashback from the sink but we know. We all know.

9 comments:

jomamma said...

You just made my day better and it's barely started! That was a good post.

My sister has a friend like this, bakes herself in the sun and whines that she doesn't have a tan and that she's wrinkled, (hell, she's the color of shoe leather.) And then trowels on the make-up. Whines because she thinks she's fat when she lives on vodka and tonic and she only weighs 98 pounds. If you say you bumped your funny bone she goes into all her major surgeries and their horrible out comes. She thinks I'm the quiet one in the family... I'm afraid to say anything for fear it will get her started on a tirade. She wonders why she doesn't have any friends... they are exhausted from petting her ego and have gone on vacation.

tornwordo said...

Is IS from the sink. I swear.

Sy said...

I hate tanners. To spend that much time on ruining your skin, I just don't get it.

Brook said...

*applause*

Marg said...

Definitely interested in going to the movies! I have tried to text you a couple of times in the last few days. Have you received them? Let me know when you want to go and I will arrange a babysitter!

Rox said...

I love this side of you.

I love it when younger women look older than me. It boosts my heart. I'm a bitch, though.

Nej said...

Great post!!!!

I recently took some vitamins I purchased at my gym. Whoah...they had a "stimulant" of some sort in them. My heart felt like it was going to leap out of my chest.

jomamma said...

Me too Rox... that's the greatest when they are in shock that you don't have as many wrinkles and gray hair. I did 3 cartwheels across the gym in front of the whole school, faculty and kids today.. that'll show 'em. I almost ran over a kindergarten kid but that didn't count.

trinity67 said...

I love your blog.