Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Steer Clear of Typhoid Mary

That would be my Mom. That's what she used to call me whenever I had a cold, and guess what unwanted gift she brought over with her from Tennessee. I assure it wasn't anything stuffed. No she brought a full blown case of the Dreaded Lurgy. So she's hacking up a lung for a few hours every morning and describing her symptoms in such lurid detail that I'm completely off my food. I've not gotten it as bad, I don't think but I did have a distressing moment yesterday morning when the alarm clock went off and I'd been sleeping in one of my twisted arm poses, so my hands were completely numb and I couldn't feel the right button on the alarm to turn it off. Husband was saying "For fuck sake turn the alarm off, you'll wake everyone up!" and I said "............." Which was really, I'm trying but my hands are numb and I can't feel the button, help me please! But I had absolutely no voice as well as the inability to use my hands. He was sympathetic after my distressing minute of voiceless, numb panic. He was very sympathetic though and we sad a sad goodbye without tongue as he went off to work in Dubai for three weeks. I'm sure the 40C dry heat will kill off the Lurgy for him, if one of my germs happened to make its merry way over to him in our snog avoiding affections.

So I'm living on Sinex (I now it's evil but I can't sleep if I can't breath and I can't get better if I can't sleep) and going through the fancy box of balm tissues while periodically greasing up my face in scented (not that I can smell) vaseline so I don't get blow-sores on my nose and lip. So far the kids are showing themselves to be of higher calibre immune systems for which I'm grateful and jealous all at once, but that fact didn' stop me from stocking up on cold/flu meds for kids just in case. Reality.

NaNoWriMo is so far becoming a bust, with kitchen not quite finished, Mom here, Husband away, kids a bit high and crazy on all the new changes coming at them fast and furious and the new head cold that makes me have flashbacks of last November's NaNoWriMo killing chest infection, I've got a measly 5000ish words which means I'm woefully behind. I'm not quitting. I figure the exercise is more about getting the rough draft done and not about to golden 50K words. Tell me I'm right so I won't feel like a total fucking failure.

The kids do seem very interested in maximum embarrassment to their Mom lately. On Friday Shorty was in the middle of the living room playing with Grandma's large magnifying mirror when she straightened it up so the mirror was facing the ceiling, and then tried to position herself over it in a wide legged stance. "What are you doing, Shorty?" "I want to see my privates." Now I can understand the child's curiosity over her body and at four not grasping the concept of privacy for these kinds of explorations, but she was fully dressed at the time. My mom found my embarrassment much funnier than the child's act.

The second time was when the girls and I were getting changed to go swimming on Saturday. We were in the middle family sized changing room when Sassy announced loudly for all to hear over and under the adjoining walls that she was beginning to get hairs on her vagina. There she was bent over in an attempt to find these hairs. I shushed her and told her it wasn't the time or place for that and just get her suit on. I later asked her if the new hair was like hair on her arms or more like eyebrow hair and it turns out we aren't starting an early puberty after all. She's becoming very aware since I had a talk with her about puberty and periods and the signals to be aware of that her body is changing. I didn't think she'd be putting so much focus on those potential changes. I figured it would be in one ear and out the other like most of the things I tell her. The kid can't remember to change her underwear or brush her teeth but she's finely tuned to the emerging growth patterns of her pubes.

It's a lovely, sunny day, and the windows are disgusting as we had gales the past two days and a bit of rain. So cold or no cold, I'm going out to clean the windows.


Jomamma said...

Sorry that you are under the weather, and I hope you enjoy your Mom's visit. You always bring those funny child rearing memories back to me. Like the time the girlchild told me her little brother had kicked her in the penis. I had to explain only he had the penis she had a vagina... he laughed so hard and she said she didn't want something that had such a funny name, but he walked around all day saying 'vagina' and laughing.

Roxrocks said...

Poor Lyvvie! I hope you get some Chicken Noodle Soup into you and manage to shake the bug. How long is your mom there?

Jolea said...

MOTHER!!!! Stop telling embarrassing stories about me!!!

Maja said...

hehe.. jomamma's story rocks. Maybe you shouldn't discourage the girls from being interested in their privates, though, they might become overly inhibited in their teens.

Get better soon! Take some zinc, it's great for your immune system.

tornwordo said...

That was hilarious. Thanks for the laughs this morning.

sideshow bob said...

Ugh, thanks for reminding me how far behind I am re: NaNoWriMo...

Of course, I couldn't write shite Nov. 1-4 because I was having a nervous breakdown worrying about The Man stealing the election from Obama, and then too elated to sit still long enough to write for the next three days after the election.

I'm trying to make up for lost time, with lackluster results. But like you, I'm not giving up. If you can do it, then I can do it. And if I can do it, then I can do it!

Ree said...

Um, first off - snort! I've been there with the alarms and the numb hands.

I'm so sorry there was no tongue involved in your goodbyes.

And those girls...priceless!

Crystal* said...

I just adore you, woman. Really, I do.
And just think...a decade or so down the road you can look forward to the girls going into the bathroom, pulling out pads, taking off the sticky and using them to put on their foreheads, scoot along the ground, and generally make you shake your head in disbelief that you spawned them. And there WAS the incident with the votive and pad-wearing instructions.
I swear. You can't MAKE this stuff up.
Hugs on NaNo. I'm hoping I pull off one or three of my patented 10,000 words in a weekend moves.

Sylvana said...

Your life sounds like mine -- huge mountains of shit thrown at you all at once. Good for you for soldiering on.

You know, that really doesn't sound like Sassy. She seemed so shy. But then, it's sort of nice that she hasn't been influenced by society to think that she should be shy about it.