Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Suck Monster

I'm living in a bubble just now. Locked myself away and let no one in. Not even myself to be honest. I'm either full on GRR! or Meh can't be fucking bothered. I'm rather bored, which is unusual for me as I'm not the sort to get bored because I'm good at entertaining myself. I would love to say i'm using this time in some reflective way where I re-evaluate my life but what's the point really - I'm not one to wallow in the past. I'm a forward mover. That may be why i'm bored; life has stagnated a bit. I'm doing the same stuff everyday and feel like: when are we going? When are going to start, you know, moving? *sigh*

So of course I'm not able to concentrate on getting things done, I can't read a book, I can't finish my chores, I can't get past the headlines on the newspaper because I seem to have a very passive ADD. I'm not OTB. I'm also not OTR, so it's not that. I'm just going with the flow and feeling annoyed about it, but not so annoyed that I'm getting worked up or crabby which would be some form of excitement. I seem stuck in this skimming of life just now. Taking in enough information to get by, but not really bothered. It's disgusting really; my curiosity is flaccid. If this continues I'll become as much fun as cirrhosis.

Yet I don't feel like this is depression, because the lack of anxiety, and the fact that on some level - the one I don't like to admit to - I think I'm doing well to not be depressed, makes confused: What is this?? I'm in a mild annoyance and yet still very cuddly. I'm sure if I was engaged in conversation, and that only happens with my Husband for any length of time which in turn could be the root of the problem as I'm very isolated and spend most of my time by myself, I would have sparks of dynamical wit that I sometimes get. I can ride a dynamical witticism for weeks. I'm that easy going. But without the practice...

I want to play cards. I want to find someone to play rummy 500 with me. I miss playing rummy 500. I used to play it for hours between classes when I was college. We'd get a table of four and two decks and just insult each other, and laugh and smoke and gossip: I really miss that. I've been missing it more keenly since doing some research on Dorothy Parker and I read about the Algonquin Round Table, which was her group of friends where they played cards, insulted each other, told jokes, smoked, drank and made merry.

Moms of of wee ones don't get the chance to make merry very often.

Instead I make trouble. I'm having a bit of glee winding everyone up. I annoy the kids which isn't much of a challenge. Last night while watching TV I'd pull out a chopstick from my sleeve, lean over and poke Husband gently on the head and then pretend like nothing happened. "Are you poking me?" "No. Why would I poke you?" hee hee hee.

I think it may be time to start writing again.


jmc said...

Your desire to play cards has a match...but the match is 3,000 miles away. My gran is a card playing fiend, and it's the only thing that really interests her anymore. So much so that she has two standing weekly "dates" on which she plays. But she's always looking for other people to trounce (or not, since her short term memory can be a little holey, depending on her meds for the day). Family members and friends stopping by to check in or run errands are fair game :)

Roxrocks said...

You need to book a hotel for the weekend and you and the big guy need to go off alone and skronk like a pair of crazy teenagers!

It's hard when the kids are little, it's almost worse when they are older. Maybe you need a P/T job. Hell, maybe I need one.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't privy to these cards games you would play in college! I am deeply saddened that I wasn't asked to play.


I don't know how to play cards, so it was for the best, I suppose.

Chin up- I will meet you on some game website and we can play whatever. LMK where. :)

Lyvvie said...

That's because it was at the Junior college Roommate and I went to before going to UMASS. I don't know why we didn't continue when we got to the dorms - probably the excitement of the shiny new place, shiny new people and it just fell out of habit. Shame really. You guys were already there with your 90210 parties and passing the cookie dough in a tube around. Hard to compete.

Lyvvie said...

JMC - Send me your Granny. But then, It would cut the fun of insulting each other. I can't swear at a Granny!

Roxy - I had a part time job and that was just annoying between the "I hope Husband doesn't go mental at the kids" and the on-the-job dramatics I'm better off not adding to the pile. But I've considered it! I really have. I'd love to go back to The Gap. Just can't quite yet. Things should be easier when Shorty starts first grade next year.

Scarlet said...

I miss sitting around playing cards, insulting friends and drinking as well!

We Mums NEVER get to have ANY fun!

Anonymous said...

I do miss the 90201 nights. *sigh* Simplier times when all we cared about was who Kelly was going to pick.

No cookie dough tho... nauseating. :P

Ree said...

Move to Michigan. Or find me a job wherever you end up - I'll play Rummy 500 with you and we can drink and smoke and eat cheese.

trinity67 said...

Oh that's funny - the chopstick poking thing - cuz that's SO something that I'd do! It's gratifying for me to know that someone else thinks those kinds of things are hysterical.

tornwordo said... the title. And I would totally play rummy 500 with you and be rapt with your wittiness.

Crystal* said...


I get like that, and I hate it. Drives me absolutely crazy.
It's too bad there's a billion miles between us, woman. *grins*
I think you and I could go out and do some damage.
I don't have anyone to hang around with here, really.

Hope it gets better!

Maja said...

Just like every other mood we have, this one will pass...