Saturday, August 30, 2008

Just Fuck Off Already...

I've spent a lot of time, sweat and effort in getting my garden to look awesome. I've done a damned good job, if I say so myself. I've saved a fortune rather than paying a landscaper to come and do it for me. So just when it's about done, just as it's really looking great as it is and all that's left is the tweaking to satisfy my own personal pickiness what should happen? Cats. Fucking cats. I've done nothing but chase cats out of my garden for a week now. Where are they coming from? Have they got a cat club and they've told all their cat friends to come and hang out at Casa Lyvvie because her garden is aces. So bad enough I have poop scoop before mowing the grass because - we don't want shit splattered across our shins now do we? No we don't, thank you. But this morning there was an enormous pile of cat puke in the alley next to my house. The wee shit! And it must be a greedy fucking cat too because this was a huge barf full of unchewed chunks. the real insult, the real thing that pisses me off - We Don't Have Any pets! These are all "other people's" cats coming into my yard and using it as a toilet. I love cats, but I'm of the opinion now, I don't like other people's cats, and they should keep their fucking greedy, food snarffing cats out of my yard.

Other thing that really has to fuck off is the damned jingle that won't get out of my head. A commercial from the 80's, and only one line of the song. "Hello Rusty Jones! Goodbye Rusty Cars!" I have no idea why this is in my head, where the trigger came from but for the love of life get Rusty Fucking Jones out my head!

Kids are annoying me too. they keep whining and fighting with each other. Throwing tantrums. crying to me for comfort when I told them ten minutes ago to stop goofing around and to not come crying to me when the game got out of control.

My SIL, Autie Slug, was at Grandma Betty's when we showed up at lunchtime. She was going to escort Grandma to the shops. I was immediately suspicious, we all went back inside and I made lunch for us all. I mean, she's her grand-daughter, she deserves her time despite the fact that she's a deceitful sleezebag. When it became apparent she hadn't fed her own kids lunch before going to the grocery store - she's not smart either - I ended up making them lunch too. My niece and nephew are sweet kids - they really are, and I love seeing them. The fact the wee one (who's four, just four months older than Shorty) said "This is good salad!" while eating a piece of raw spinach and his mom said "He's not tried spinach before so this is good." I smile and nod. I smile and nod a lot when she comes around. Then I felt like we should go because too many kids, noise and activity over stimulated Grandma and she gets very tired and she still had to go shopping with them. What does Betty do before we leave? Hand over a roll of £20s and make me feel the sleezeball. ARG! I told her last week to stop giving us so much money. She now gives it to the kids so they see it and get all excited and I can't be the big mean bitch who says no to the kids and Grandma when they gang up on me. So I look the greedy one when really I want to be better than that.

I told her last week that we don't come for money - we come to spend some time with her, to make her lunch, to do any odd jobs, to show her we love her. We do, Betty is awesome. But her confidence is down - another family saga that makes me want to kick the Pastor's son in the nards and smack Auntie Hagrid around a bit. When Betty started doing the "I'm not going to live forever and really I shouldn't have lived this long..." crap again today I told her to cut it out. I know she's a bit depressed. Her very close friend passed away a few months ago and she's taken it particularly hard.

I just hate being the villain either way. Take her money and she's happy to help us out. The rest of the family frown at us for taking the money of an elderly lady. Don't take the money and I deny the old woman her joy of spoiling her great-grandkids.

There was something else but I forget what it was just now.

Husband gets to go out drinking for the night with his mates. I asked him for a two weeks trip, alone, just me, to Japan and the colour drained from his face. There's just no fairness!!


Red Hot Sexy Papa said...

Have you tried the 'cry and throw tantrum' method?

Think it will work. Think so.

Jomamma (judith) said...

Your Grandma knows how you feel in your heart Lyvvie... don't worry about it. She knows why you come over. Just keep doing what you are doing, you goodness shows through. I told my kids when they were little, I'd smack them up-side of the head if they ever asked their G-ma to buy them anything, such as all the other grand-kids did and still do. Now that they are grown, the grandparents do nothing but praise Jolea and Jeff. In their eyes they are the PRIZE grand-kids, those other 'skinflints' as G-pa calls them "are just waiting like vultures for them to die off."

Cats - I have the same problem... I think it's b/c they like a clean place to shit. You could always try the flying dog-shit method I used when a neighbor's dog used our yard. He did his biz every morn at the same time. So... I went out with a small shovel and scooped the steaming hot pile up and flung it at him. He had this surprised "OMG my shit is chasing me" look on his face when it hit him in the back. He never shit in my yard again. I've also been known to deliver the droppings on the porch of the person who walked their dog past and let him do biz in my yard. If I wanted dog shit I'd get a dog!

Roxrocks said...

Well, since I am a cat AND dog owner, I'm tippytoeing into the fray here! My cat has four acres of land. I certainly hope the little bastard is crapping in our yard, not someone else's! If he comes home with a mousetrap on his toe, I'll know! I've had big dogs come in our yard and crap and it makes me livid. If I wanted to scoop big dog turds, I'd get a big dog.

And a trip to Japan? Heehee I like the way you think!

Shorty said...

oh the neighbours dogs poop in our year argh!

it sounds like you need a Calgon Take Me away moment...

I would take you mtb with me! to clear your head!


Ree said...

I agree with you about irresponsible pet owners. My cats are indoor-only, and the dog never goes out of his yard unless we're there with a bag. ;-)

And my gramma was the same way. I always felt so bad - and yet, I know what you mean about taking away her happiness at being able to help.

As for two weeks alone in Japan? My husband would fall over dead. I went for 11 days to India FOR WORK and you'd thought I said I was running away with the milkman. ;-)

Jomamma (judith) said...

I've had my husband call me when I was out of town and say he didn't have any clean underware... I gave him directions the the nearest Wal-Mart.