Thursday, August 07, 2008

Hormones and Retrospect

The problem with the internet is it seems to be a tool that won't allow me to forget my past. But I know that's my issue. the internet has all it's glories and bullshit to entertain forever ad nauseum. But as I've had a past that I'm never going to be proud of, run away from and some days, like today, can't forgive. I hate the internet because there it is; the magnifying glass of opinion and judgment bearing down. Come now - who gives a shit about me out there? *tumbleweed* Aye, that's what I thought.

Apparently I'm paranoid. I can see the signs and damn they're coming early. The words in my head making me feel fearful, wanting me to shut down, close shop and hide away in my home. I mean I was in the kitchen cleaning the oven, feeling annoyed because the steam buggy died and I had to do the deed by hand. Since I have the steam thingie I don't scrub the oven as often as I ought to and so it was a real fucking chore, let me tell you. Not That You Care! I am so dull. There - see now the self-esteem is shrinking too. Soon I'll be defensive and argumentative and push everyone away all the while pining because I have no friends and no one loves me. I'm like a frigging teenager again. And it's only ovulation! Usually I get a Goddess complex and think I'm awesome but not this time. Stand back, steer clear; completely not interested, you fucker. All of you fuckers. Lemme be.

I sometimes hate being a woman. Even worse is the psychology degree which spins my paranoia tighter and makes me proper coo-coo in the coconut.

Scrub more burnt on shit from the oven. Scrub scrub. Where have my fingerprints gone?

The fact I can see the symptoms, the fact I'm aware of them helps. It really does. Heart palpitations, hot flashes. Could be early early menopause. Who knows. Who cares. I will not go on meds again. I can do this without adding more chemicals. Although some IV caffeine or speed *smack my hand!* would be nice.

For fuck sake this shouldn't be happening until mid-September! What am I going to do when we go to Australia and the seasons are all fucked up and my internal depression meter won't know when to send the crazies? Maybe it'll be a good thing. I should be. It will be.

Can't talk much about Australia as it turns out someone from the office reads my blog and went asking questions. Promises to keep quiet but if there's one then there could be more. I wanted a blog to be all anonymous with and I'm so damned bad at it! The anonymous part. I think I'm an acceptable blogger. Although sitemeter has a different opinion.

Then again I did take pictures of the dirty and clean oven because I thought it would be blog worthy. I am fucking crazy.

Right! Kids go back to school in two weeks. Husband goes back to work next week. I get my house back to myself in two weeks. Two weeks. I'll keep telling myself. Actually - 10 days. Normality resumes, peace and quiet and stress free gyming and all of MY Life For Me and Not Everyone Else comes back in ten days. I can keep the shit for ten days.

Sciatica or not I have to go to the gym tonight or I'm going to freak the fuck out. I have to write. I have to write. Why do both activities make me feel like I'm abandoning those who rely on me? Why would anyone be fool enough to rely on me for anything?

Why the Fuck are they playing Kate Bush right now when really I need something I can dance to. Headache! Babooshka my butt.

I'm going to play Classic Cheap Trick and feel all nostalgic for a while until the babies cry.


Roxrocks said...


No, seriously. I do.

Lyvvie said...

You're just saying that because you kicked my ass at word twist. *wink*

I love you too.

Lyn Cash said...

I wish I had words of wisdom or at least hope for you, but I'm STILL going through this shit after 15 years of it. *sigh*

best, girl...loved the blog post, despite what trauma you're experiencing.

Ree said...

Hey darling. I love you. For reals. Go look at what I handed you today. And it was before I read this, so shut.up.

Besides, I'm having hormone issues today, too.

jomamma said...

OK, everybody get a bottle of red wine, expensive or dirt cheap, it doesn't matter. Drink until you don't have to count the days anymore. You just need your space back. Like you said once he goes back to work and the kids go back to school, life will be good again. You are not neglecting them, they have just used you up a bit. You are under stress! Get a massage for the lower back, not by hubby,yeah that can be good, but you need a professional.

Hey I've been doing this for 27 years... after awhile you look forward to it, you stock up on wine!

Lyvvie said...

Why don't you folks live in the village? Regular top-ups of great friends goes a long way to keeping a woman sane and happy.

Massage and drunken silliness sounds just the thing, to be sure. I'll go book one this morning. I know the last one I had hurt like hell, but helped in the long run.

I love you all, really do. *hugs*

jomamma said...

Hey tell them it hurts, when it hurts, you are the one paying for it... Last time I had a massage the lady went nuts on my neck, I kept telling her she was doing too much. I ended up with a bulging disk and had to have acupuncture!

Maja said...

Mmmm booze booze booze. That's my cure! Watching buffy and angel helps me escape from everything and stop thinking.

I was shitty for a day because Jason watched a dvd (that I had bought for us to watch together) without me. I don't know whether that's hormones or just major annoyedness at him for never listening to me (I told him I wanted to watch it together!). He said he thought I'd watched it.

Anyway, I know all about paranoia and needing space.

Unfortunately australia won't get rid of any internal depression... sorry!

Sarah said...

coo coo in the coconut?
there's an expression!

Northern musings said...

TAke it from me it is easier to be depressed, sitting with a tinny in your hand in Australia, than it is to be depressed in the autumn darkness of the northern peripheries...
Love the way you write about it though - so eloquent