Friday, August 15, 2008


It's a bad day. I've not had a day like this in a long while. Most of the time things are fine. I manage and smile. Today I keep catching myself being blah and saying "I feel miserable. Why am I so miserable?" Well of course there is no reason. It's that depression again. Such an anonoyance. I'm not a depressive person; or more to the point I don't want to be a depressive person. I'm a happy person. Optimistic. I really am. But this misery just has by the hand right now and seems to be taking me for a walk.

Have you ever seen the movie "How I got A Head in Advertising"? you could use that as a way to describe depression. Where the depression takes over and you're still there, hidden, crying out for help. Granted that movie is an extreme example in my case, but for others it very apt.

Boils = depression. He ends up with a boil on his neck that talks to him, becomes his evil side, takes over his body and life and the "boil" then fills him with medicine trying to kill him off.

We're going out for a date tonight. Going for an Italian dinner and then to see The Dark Knight. I want to be excited, but for me the depression becomes blankness. I lack emotion. I become a Vulcan. No happy, no sad, no anger, no nothing. I blank out. Get through the day like a fog. I hate it. I should be excited. I should be looking forward to our first date in months. to seeing a movie and eating in one our favourite restaurants. But I'm a bit Meh. Shrug. Okay. I hope no one notices. I'll put on a smile, make the right noises but really my heart's not in it.

I must do things that make me happy. Today I got a bit drastic and cut my hair. Not much, just bangs. I've not had bangs for over ten years. I just looked at myself and thought - I need bangs. So I pulled out the scissors and did the deed. Came out nice. I put on make-up. Coco Chanel. Dressed comfortably. Tidied up. Folded laundry. Watched the rain fall. Put on jewelry. All of these things make a difference.

The one thing that's really bugging me is my memory is shit just now. I can't remember where I've put things, or when I've done things. I freaked myself out yesterday because when I came back home from the gym and went to use the toilet; the seat was up. Why was the seat up? Searched the house in case anything was stolen, but no. Nothing disturbed. Weird. I must have cleaned it before I left. then today I saw the bag of compost that was on the lawn was moved - I didn't move it. I don't think I moved it...did I move it? Can't remember. did I call so and so? Nope, forgot. Did you look into that thing I asked you to? Nope, forgot. Did I put the chicken out to thaw? Nope. Did I change the sheets? Nope. Did I give the kids a shower? Nope.

got to go...get ready for my date. We leave in a half hour. I forgot to check the clock.


trinity67 said...

Ah I'm with yah there hon - life sucks dead goats for me as well right now - hope you liked Dark Knight - I did.

Ree said...

Thinking about you Lyvvie.

What did you think of DK?

Anonymous said...

Hey pumpkin, Keep your chin up... hopefully it will pass quickly. :) I hope you are having a great time on your date! Hugs ~Me :)

Shorty said...

I understand depression too. I hope tomorrow brings you a much brighter day!

Jomamma (judith) said...

Hope you have a better day tomorrow and the rest of the week. Hope the movie was good, my son liked it. I'll try to think of something to pull you out of your funk. Rain can put me in a funk quicker than anything.

Roxrocks said...

Okay. Get yourself to You Tube and look up laughing babies. I swear, even in your darkest hour, the laughing babies will make you laugh. If you fail to laugh, get thee to a doctor immediately because who can't laugh when a baby laughs? It would be a serious sign of epic depression I would think.

You want me to let you win on Word Twist? Would that cheer you up?

How about I flash you? (.)(.)

Chin up kid, the sun will come out tomorrow.

Maja said...

I just watched Batman Begins last night, so I can go and see the Dark Knight. Batman begins was awesome!

Maybe you should try going for a run to battle the depression. All you can do is wait til it's over. It will end. That's always a good bit!


Kate R said...

you're doing (or did since this is past tense) what you have to...pretending to be happy and eventually your brain catches up with you. That takes a lot of bravery. I can feel the shadow of that cloud just reading this entry and wish I could give you a cup of tea or maybe some of my drugz.