It's a bad day. I've not had a day like this in a long while. Most of the time things are fine. I manage and smile. Today I keep catching myself being blah and saying "I feel miserable. Why am I so miserable?" Well of course there is no reason. It's that depression again. Such an anonoyance. I'm not a depressive person; or more to the point I don't want to be a depressive person. I'm a happy person. Optimistic. I really am. But this misery just has by the hand right now and seems to be taking me for a walk.
Have you ever seen the movie "How I got A Head in Advertising"? you could use that as a way to describe depression. Where the depression takes over and you're still there, hidden, crying out for help. Granted that movie is an extreme example in my case, but for others it very apt.
Boils = depression. He ends up with a boil on his neck that talks to him, becomes his evil side, takes over his body and life and the "boil" then fills him with medicine trying to kill him off.
We're going out for a date tonight. Going for an Italian dinner and then to see The Dark Knight. I want to be excited, but for me the depression becomes blankness. I lack emotion. I become a Vulcan. No happy, no sad, no anger, no nothing. I blank out. Get through the day like a fog. I hate it. I should be excited. I should be looking forward to our first date in months. to seeing a movie and eating in one our favourite restaurants. But I'm a bit Meh. Shrug. Okay. I hope no one notices. I'll put on a smile, make the right noises but really my heart's not in it.
I must do things that make me happy. Today I got a bit drastic and cut my hair. Not much, just bangs. I've not had bangs for over ten years. I just looked at myself and thought - I need bangs. So I pulled out the scissors and did the deed. Came out nice. I put on make-up. Coco Chanel. Dressed comfortably. Tidied up. Folded laundry. Watched the rain fall. Put on jewelry. All of these things make a difference.
The one thing that's really bugging me is my memory is shit just now. I can't remember where I've put things, or when I've done things. I freaked myself out yesterday because when I came back home from the gym and went to use the toilet; the seat was up. Why was the seat up? Searched the house in case anything was stolen, but no. Nothing disturbed. Weird. I must have cleaned it before I left. then today I saw the bag of compost that was on the lawn was moved - I didn't move it. I don't think I moved it...did I move it? Can't remember. did I call so and so? Nope, forgot. Did you look into that thing I asked you to? Nope, forgot. Did I put the chicken out to thaw? Nope. Did I change the sheets? Nope. Did I give the kids a shower? Nope.
got to go...get ready for my date. We leave in a half hour. I forgot to check the clock.