Friday, June 06, 2008

I won't have stretch!

I despise stretch jeans, What a heinous invention. Utterly vile, completely ugly, unflattering and a waste of money. They are cheap shit. Why is everything fucking "stretch" right now??

Last weekend I went and bought new jeans because my current ones are getting holes in them - time for new jeans. I went to many shops and couldn't find any I liked; too low waisted, cinched ankles - there's a look for women! Ass crack, muffin top and let's show off heavy thighs and a big butt with calf tight trousers. Fucking hell people! Who's designing this crap? Here's what I wanted: just below the waist but not showing pubes waistline, boot cut, 100% cotton, stonewash.

Apparently I'm old fashioned now but that is the formula for long lasting jean joy with me. Jeans on the waist make me look like I have twelve foot long legs but a one foot long torso, below the waist has me checking for panty exposure every ten minutes so just below the waist works best - also if I wear a belt it means the buckle isn't poking my lower ribs when I sit - I hate that. And the dye washes are scary too - I'm sick of reading "Dye may tranfer to clothes and skin" That is not a selling point! Do your fucking processing and dye washing properly before giving this to the end customer. It's not rocket science. Would you buy a sandwich with a slice of bread missing? No! Because it's not finished. Neither are these dark wash jeans that turn your legs blue and make you look like a corpse.

I mean stretch jeans? Elastic all through the demin. What happens after several months wearing and washing? You know don't you. The elastic breaks down and leaves these puckering bits of denim around where the jeans get the most wear - for me that's the crotch and the knees. (don't be gross) Because that's where jeans get the most friction. (I mean it!) So you shell out your $50 for these jeans only to have to toss them six months later because the basic structure of the material is deteriorating. Such a mug!

Also - they fit nice when washed and all the cotton fibers are tight, but once they're worn a bit these things...well stretch and I find by early afternoon I'm spending every two minutes hiking my jeans back up because they're slipping down my frame. They fit me that morning! And, there's no hiding anything in these things - belly bulge (A gift of my two children who demanded a lot of space in utero) looks twice as big. There's no smoothing of these faults like a 100% cotton would give. There's no soft denim corseting. There's only stretch and accommodation and...eventually they just fall down. Also, no denim penis. I love my denim penis - when the zipper bunches and sticks up. Stretch jeans deny me of that blue erection, they're just snuggly there over the pubic bone. Flat. Flaccid. Soulless.

So I'm going to have go back out there and spend more money on something I actually want to wear, that will be flattering and will actually stay put. To the Gap I go and I know those fuckers have also decided to drop all of their waistlines on the women's range to pube and crack exposing levels. Thanks Gap - you've redefined your fashion lines to coincide with your brand name. Bravo. Thankfully the men's department will have what I'm looking for. So here I go, breaking the 2006 New Year's Resolution to not wear men's clothes anymore. But really - fashion has left me no alternative.

Happy Days.


Weary Hag said...

Dahling... so right you are! I do not care for the stretch denims at all ... now, having said that... I be fat now mon. I used to NOT be fat. Things happened in the past two years. Menopause (thank you very much - takes bow) and a broken thyroid for two things ... quitting cigs didn't help either. All at the same FLIPPING time! Jeeziz.

I thought about buying a pair of stretch jeans then said, nahh... I'll stick to my Mary Tyler Moore black slacks and my little flat black Mary Tyler Moore shoes.

Oh and hey, ever get caught PLAYING with that little blue penis? I have. It's not pretty. Well the things sticks right up at ya... who could resist pushing it down and waiting for it to pop out again... hahaa ... and it always does!

trinity67 said...

I have always worn men's jeans so what's the deal if you do? They fit me better than women's jeans - women's jeans are just too...I dunno, they just don't fit right. And I'll tell you where the stretch comes in handy - in casual pants. All my work pants are cotton with a bit of stretch and they are SOOOOO comfy! But that's me and I do feel your pain in trying to find clothes that fit.

Anonymous said...

I personally love the stretch! I buy my jeans at Wearhouse One. For one, they are cheap and for two, they come in short leg sizes and for someone with a 30" inseam, short sizes are a must! I like them just below the waist with all my junk still tucked in. I like a boot cut or a flare. Those damn skinny jeans are the devil's work though, but these kids nowadays don't know how good they have it with the stretch. Back in the 80's our skinny jeans had no stretch and you had to use a coat hanger to do them up. Ahhh, jeans.

Sarah said...

Awww. Denim penis is the best. *busts out laughing*

I wear baggy denim painter type pants.
And say that it's acceptable because I'm a painter.


Donna said...

GREAT POST!!! I'm searching for Levi 505's as we speak...STRETCHY CRAP IS EVERYWHERE!!! Geez!! I switched to mens youth sizes years ago...they don't squeeze your waist to where your eyeballs pop out!! Good luck with your search!!hughugs