Thursday, May 01, 2008

I'm so annoyed...

I cannot get things to work smoothly and I'm distracted. I'm bordering on depressed, I can see the signs. I'm avoiding everything that needs to be done like house work, and getting bogged down in the mundane frustrations that are just now fucking plaguing me! Like the counters are always a mess in my kitchen because I have no space to put things so I'm always dropping things on the floor or shoving things out of the way to be able to prepare meals. I would like to just be able to pull something out of my cupboard - without a half dozen contents falling out - and just make something, tidy it up easy and have a neat kitchen when I'm done.

The sink backs up if there's so much as a kernel of corn in the drain.

I reorganized the cupboards last week, and now they look like they need done again.

My fridge is a nightmare. My freezer has an inch of ice in it.

The laundry is getting ridiculous, I'm considering sneaking a third of everyone's wardrobe off to the charity shop to reduce my workload. The worst part is I wash it, dry it, fold it and can never get it put away. So I have neat piles of clothes everywhere.

I have no storage. I have no storage. I have no storage in this fucking house.

I hate my body. I was supposed to do a HNT today, as it's Osbasso's anniversary but I tried many times and could not find an inch of half nekkid me that was not repellent. My body image is the worst it's ever been.

Husband is supposed to go for a business trip to Dubai but we don't know when. Was supposed to be leaving tomorrow but it's not looking likely. He's a mess over the office dicking him about. My Mom is coming over for a visit and Shorty has her 4th birthday on the 13th, and I have the Race For Life on the 18th and he may be away for all of it. He's so pissed off that I'm getting empathy pissed.

I've been eating sugar. Really I should just be a grown up and drink. Liquor, the harder the better. (but I hate to drink.)

When I try to write I suddenly remember the kitchen is a mess, there's a dish to wash, a pile of clothes to put away, a toilet to scrub (Everyday - the kids aren't big enough to drop the poop in the water so there's a poop smear down the inside of the bowl everyday, twice a day. Sometimes more.) a frige to tidy and so on and so on, and then the self-disappointment begins because I'm supposed to have done all that stuff already and if I had - I' be able to write. But you're bad so go do your chores. Then I rebel against myself and read a book.

All my tulips this year are yellow. Where did my pink ones go? And Shorty keeps calling them "Jewlips" which makes me cringe.

I'm struggling with dehydration. It's a ridiculous state to be in, I don't feel thirsty, and then I'm so thirsty I should've noticed it ages ago. The dark pee is my first sign, usually. I know the cutting out sugar and caffeine would make this go away, so I guess I'll suffer it for now. Sugar is my crack. Can one go to a rehab for sugar addiction? Can I get dried out from sugar?

Today I will:

tidy the kitchen
put the clean clothes away.
Bully the kids to put their clean clothes away
make bento box treats for freezing
after I defrost the frige
probably after I run and go to the gym
nag the kids and threaten with removal of TV and DS if they don't clean their room
play the lottery - one bit of optimism is needed.

Ok. I'm going. Pity party over.

Did I mention the really fucked up dreams I had last night? Just fucked up. And gross. I remember two. The first was Husband and I up on the top of this rickety wooden staircase that was high as a bridge. It was dark and we had to get down fast because bad guys were chasing us. I'm not good as going down stairs (weird phobia of tumbling down so I'm a rail gripper and two feet per step sort) and Hub was behind me, and he nudges me and I tell him to stop it, and he keeps getting impatient until he picks me up from behind and runs down the stairs holding me (This in reality is impossible and in the dream I felt quite small and childlike) and then he dumps me on my butt at the bottom of the stairs and tells me shut up or the bad guys will hear us. I was so pissed at him for treating me like a child.

Then the other dream was full on gross (but puts me in mind my period is probably due). I was sinking into a hot bath, on a bright and sunny afternoon, ready for the relaxation. The moment my skin touched the water it turned red and I was bleeding, just dripping blood from every pore, but it didn't phase me as I sank into the water and watched the water turn so red it was almost purple. I thought to myself "Oh well, if I'm going to die, this way isn't so bad." and closed my eyes and felt rather peaceful. But I didn't die. When I thought I'd soaked long enough I pulled the plug and watched the water go down the drain, and then was annoyed I'd left all these bloody chunks of meaty jelly in the tub that I then had to clean up.

Now that I've depressed you and put you off your meals, I'm away to clean the kitchen and defrost the frige.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like some moon time related issues you're having there girl! Your tub dream reminded me of the movie Poltergeist.

We've all been there, well, those of us with ovaries anyway, so just let it all out and you'll feel better once you get back on an even estrogen keel!

Crystal* said...

My ovaries are screaming in solidarity with yours.
As far as the "I'm overwhelmed, and everyone else is an inconsiderate ass and worthless"...I feel your pain there, too.
You're wonderful, Lyv!!! Absolutely magnificent!!!
Now take your witty little ass in there and get some of that list done. You may feel a bit better.
However, if the resentometer goes off...cease and desist.

Snappy said...

Lyv! I'm soo feelin' you! I've had some crazy ass dreams this week (period)too. My birthday is also on the 13th. And, Dubai?! I just saw a special on t.v. about that place. Tell Husband to take lots of pictures!

trinity67 said...

Oh you poor thing you are overwhelmed! I can so relate to this and I find that the best way to cope is to make a list and then DO ONE THING AT A TIME meaning start the toilet and finish cleaning the toilet and then start putting the clothes away and then finish putting the clothes away.

And when you can't do any more do something nice for yourself (a bath? watch a good tv program? go for a nice walk and bring your camera/MP3 player and listen to your favourite music) and remember that tomorrow is another day and that you have a husband who loves you and your children are fabulous and they love you and that you are a gawgeous woman.

Now - go!


Maja said...

I think you should teach your kids to clean the toilet themselves.

Lately I've just started throwing away or giving away stuff that we don't need or use. I do it every break and it never seems to end. So it must be something you have to do all the time. It really helps unclutter your house.

Don't worry if you don't get everything done, you can still do it tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. That's how I try to see it.

Marg said...

Your first paragraph sounded exactly like me. Every direction I look in there is something. So instead I sit here and try very hard not to look.

Mrs. Darling said...

sorry to hear your down. Im doing a few posts on how to stay on top of the housework. Dont know if they'd be helpful or to but you might take a peek.