Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Inspiration, Wherefore Art Thou?

I, just need a moment really. Honest just a sec *ScRReeAAM!*

Okay! So here we are in the mud pit again. I'm so stuuuuuuck. I'm still setting up barriers to my own creativity because I'm afaid of where it'll end up - more to the point I'm afraid that if I open up, let all those creative juices flow (erk, that sounds icky. Flowing juices. *snigger*) and I feel great, proud, inspired and confident that it will only take one negative comment to knock me back into the mud pit. So maybe wallowing in the mud isn't so bad. Sure it's mud, but you know - look at my complexion!

Baby steps. Fucking baby steps. I keep leaping ahead to try and form a completed project and yet forget the wee steps needed to build it properly. OR I dive headlong into something else creative, yeah, and tell myself it's maybe my truer calling. Fuck that I'm supposed to write. I know it. Deep in my very soul I'm a writer, and yet I'm too fucking terrified to submit a dmned thing. I'm too terrified to even write just now! Do you know what it's like to have all those ideas running about my head, all those people who want me to write their story and I Just Can't? Will they shut up? NO. Will they give me a break? NO. They are seriously becoming "The voices in my head" and they're getting pissed off at me.

It's not even that I can't take critique - I can! honest and true. I can. I love it, I long for it. I just don't want to find out that I'm not really a writer. I'm certain I am, so to find out really I'm a financier or animal trainer or lobbyist, would crush me. I mean, Crush.

I'm such a pussy, it makes me sick.

What's brought on this new rush of writer's panic? I found my old Psion 5, which was my first ever portable word processor. I wanted it so bad, to develop my writing, that I took out my first ever loan from the bank to buy it (It cost me £500). Took three years to pay it off. This was before I understood the trap of interest rates, but that's not for now. I loved it, I wrote in it all the time. It had many many outpourings of of heart with in, including my pregnancy diary. then one day I went to use it and the batteries had died. All files erased. Just gone. I was so unbearably crushed I locked the Psion in the closet and forgot it. I hated it. The fucking traitor! That was in 1999.

I just found it again. The thing still makes me feel sick to my stomach. I know I'm more angry at myself but it just represents my biggest disappointment in my life. Where I failed so spectacularly that I've never forgiven myself. I never took the time to properly understand the technology on how to back up the files to the PC. I can't begin to tell you how even being near that thing makes me feel. Despair, doesn't even touch on it. I didn't even have handwritten copies, or rough drafts: nothing. All gone. Like it never existed. And my memory is so unreliable.

I need to find a way to get over this. It's what's stopping me from going on. It's what's holding me back. But I'm not sure where to even begin to try and untangle the mess. I have the beginning, and I know where I want to end; with a finished manuscript. But how to fix the middle, I just can't see it. I'm too close.

Any advice? Apart from "Get the fuck over yourself and move on!" which hasn't worked as I say it to myself all the time. Please, I've got mud in places no woman should have mud.

7 comments:

Sarah said...

You know what, Sugar-Booger? I'd start by saving each page of your blog onto your hard drive. As a screenshot, you know? Then, when it *isn't* accidentially erased, I'd print it up. I'd take it to the local printers and have them print your blog, in yearly sections. Then, when you have all of this AMAZING writing (that we've all been lucky enough to partake in) bound and sitting on your coffee table, you'll find it SO ridiculously inspiring that you'll start *writing* writing the way you want. And then you'll move on to publishing that....

(actually, if I ever pull my finger out I want to print the first year of my blog, too...imagine when blogger goes down, right? let's save while we can and then, inspired, let's write bigger 'n better things...not that you can get much better than *your* blog, mind you!)

Anonymous said...

Two words.

Baby steps.

Get a notebook. Get a pen. Jot the ideas down. Develop them. And remember, Harry Potter wasn't written in a day. And cut yourself some slack. I heart you too. :)
-Rox

Crystal* said...

I'd like to hear more about the mud, *grins*, but I'll stick with some advice for now.
I used to write in a flowing style. Chronologically. Beginning to end. It was fucking great.
Then the house fire.
I lost the first book I wrote (in LONGHAND-five notebooks worth), a whole detective series book, and bits and pieces of at least eight other books.
That shit lays you low.
REAL low.
I write different now. I've told you before it comes in fits and starts, and I end up quilting at the end.
I will say...GET A FLASH DRIVE!!!
These little bastards are invaluable. I carry mine in my purse. You pop your work on there and VOILA! You've got your stuff with you.
As far as that middle, do you have something else to work on? Want to let some other voices come to the forefront? Mebbe you just need a bit of space for clarity.
Stranger things have happened.
And by the way...honey, you ARE a writer.
HUGS*

Lyvvie said...

I have awesome girlfriends. I really do. *LOVE*

I had a talk with Husband and he's going to get me a new Asus Eee. We've talked about it for a few months and I keep thinking, nah we don't need to spend the money blah blah, but maybe I am worth it. And the damned thing costs £235. Bargain. And it'll kick the shit out of my traitorous Psion. Because: I'm Worth It. Yes I am. I'll keep telling myself this. I am.

Husband explained (Because I blocked it out) that I did have a flash card in the Psion which ultimately was its downfall. They had a fault where if you had a flash card in it, it kept a charge going through the disk and drained the battery considerably. The psion has a back-up battery and then AA batteries. It was the back-up that died, having been drained by the card. When the battery died, it caused a failure in the card which meant all data was wiped.

I don't trust it anymore. We're not keeping it. I feel a bit relieved.

I think this may explain why when I type I'm overly obsessed with spell checking, saving and every minute detail to the point that story flow is impossible and it feels like the world is getting smaller and smaller and crushing my head. I'm panicking that everything I write is going to disappear, so while it's there in front of me, I better make it perfect. Trying to break these behaviours is very hard.

Notebooks and pens have become an obsession too - like coveted things. I currently have, and I'm not kidding, 7 notebooks, all WIP. A couple, granted are Japanese homework and study with story ideas jotted into the last pages, reverse order. I'm a notebook freak. I'm also a pen freak and write things in different colour inks (0.5-0.7 fine point), highlight and often write with two pens in my right hand and highlight with my left.

Now worried that Blogger will go down one day and all my blog will disappear. As once happened with ThemeStream. Anyone remember ThemeStream?

So anyways, yes. Feeling better. Thank you, my darlings.

Lyvvie said...

Oh, and quite honestly, Sugar-Booger is going be my new favourite saying.

tornwordo said...

Oh the pain. I'm feeling it. I felt a smidge of it when spouse accidentally taped the simpsons over the one sex tape he and I made. lol.

I like the idea of writing a novel, but then when I really think about it, it sounds overwhelming. Good luck ma'am.

Donna said...

And you carried the pison to a computer tech to check to see if all that data is Really gone?? Even some of the low life machines can hold on to data Even when it says it's gone. I just have a feeling...hugs to you sweetie!!