Of course disorganized mess is a weird thing to say but it is my life at the moment. Completely self inflicted and my worst habit ever. I create my own problems. Well, don't we all at one time or another?
So I want my house to be clean and perfect, like any house of someone you go and visit and there's no dust and you think "She must have hired help" but she doesn't, she's just that damned slick. Like Bree on that housewife show. I also want to be able to read the books I want, along with the books I need and then I also want to write the stories that have been popping into my head at every opportunity lately.
I told my subconscious mind a week and a half ago that this writer's block has been a plague for long enough, and would it please help me dream of a good story? That night it ignored me. So I asked again the next, and the next. Then one day last week I was walking through the woods, absorbed in a daydream when two words hit me; "Walter Mitty" suddenly I realized I didn't need a sleeping dream to find my inspiration because I'm constantly besieged with daydreams that I could use.
So I've been trying to pin down a daydream or two to use. The thing about daydreams is they rarely have a beginning, middle and end. They seem to be flashpoints of drama, typically the apex of the story or the resolution. I find picking the story backwards a bit hard. I don't even like swings because they go backwards for the half the ride, so working backwards on a story is a major challenge. So I asked you folks what your daydreams were like - not fantasies, but daydreams. There's a big difference. How we view ourselves in our daydreams through the eyes of others, the control of how they react - it means we're all storytellers for those flashes. You try and pin one down and write it out, It gets difficult when the conscious mind interrupts with things like "Isn't that a bit egocentric" yes that's the point. But day dreams aren't real life, and real life can't progress when full of daydreams. Hence, Walter Mitty. Thurber wrote an amazing story, there. And Danny Kaye in the movie version, although blown up and Hollywoodized, still. Danny Kaye was brilliant. Oh, He really was.
Right come back to the post, Lyv. See what I mean. I was trying to make a point about all this stuff I want to do, and I know how to organize my day so that I can achieve it all but darn it if I can't manage to get myself to actually apply the skills of self management when the internet is just so damned fun. As is my DS. And manga. And this book I'm reading. Photos. Online pinochle. The world is eminently so engrossing I just can't ever get a thing done. I manage to keep the clothes clean, and the house isn't throwing spores from neglect and filth, but it's not perfect. I feel I manage to do just enough to make it look like I put in a bit of effort, and that I was just so busy I couldn't manage everything and so far; no one else is bothered.
But I know I'm a slacker, always have been and may always be, and I don't want to be. I'd love to be neat, tidy, slick and in control. An hour of light tidy every morning after breakfast, two hours of writing with 45 minutes of personal mail and blogging, then lunch and get Shorty off to school, an hour at the gym, come home and wash and swap the wet laundry into the dryer before going to get the kids after school. Come home and help kids with homework and get them to tidy their room a bit, change sheets on beds, start prep for dinner. Then after dinner get the kids bathed and off to bed, sort and fold the laundry all ready to be put away in the morning. An hour of study, Pack lunches, tidy kitchen, wash dishes and then I can get maybe an hour of TV before bed. Yeah. See that would work. *sigh*
So I'm writing. It's not going badly, apart from the awful voice in my head that tells me every sentence I write is absolute shit. I just have to tell it to shut up. Just shut up. All of a sudden, now that I'm writing again, I'm having nightmares. Last night I got one the minute I fell asleep, I woke up twenty minutes later and had to go for a glass of water. Twenty minutes of sleep! All down to anxiety, and in this dream the anxiety was a Tyrannosaurus Rex, stomping through my house, destroying it in its attempt to find me and Shorty. Shorty kept crying, and I couldn't calm her down. Then she runs away from me, and I can the T-rex spot her and I go to grab her back. Ugh! it's just annoying. I know it's all me running from my fears, and great that my subconscious mind makes those fears into the shape of a carnivorous dinosaur. So real and yet completely extinct. Defunct. Non-existent.
I do find it weird that my personal battles are fought between sloth and a T-rex.
I think what I need is to remind myself that perseverance is one of those traits that takes practice like everything else, and above all, I want to persevere.
per·se·vere (pûr'sə-vîr') intr.v. per·se·vered, per·se·ver·ing, per·se·veres
To persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement.
I wonder how I could get that to look like a nice tattoo? The right font, the right place...Hmmm....
Ahhh! I should become a Ninja! The character for the word nin in ninja means ‘to endure’ or ‘to persevere’. It combines the character for knife on top of the character for heart, it means to go on despite having your heart under the knife!
Thus, a ninja is somebody who perseveres with his heart’s intentions even under threat or pressure.
This ninja philosophy is really simple to remember, and is summed up in 2 words: keep going.
Is there a character for having one's heart in the jaws of a hungry dinosaur? Probably not.