I'm having an identity crisis. I think it's been going on since I was a teenager and heard the phrase "Find Oneself" and thought that it was something everyone has to do before being considered an adult. Finding one's passion, striving force, glory and calm and whatever the hell else the vagueness of finding oneself encompasses. I think to this day, I still have no clue who I am. Somedays that makes me feel all right, like I still have tons to discover and that I'm an evolving being, not static. Other times, I feel like I'm stuck in the mud, spinning my wheel and aren't ever going to find the way forward. I kind of feel like that this week. Stuck, spinning and lost. Temporarily.
I know it's temporary. Eventually something shiny will come along and distract me. I lack that ability to remain focussed on one thing for too long. Unfortunately that attention span has been diminished to minutes lately. I have a house full of half finished chores, I get half dressed (pajama top and jeans) and haven't been doing my homework. I keep forgetting to finish the cup of tea I'm drinking and go make another one. Cold tea is depressing. I've given the gym a miss this week, as I'm getting a cold and my head is throbbing. Running with a throbbing headache; doing anything with a throbbing headache, is misery.
I'm also amped up on the anxiety scale. Constant worries over disaster, this week mainly mudslides, although this part of Scotland has never had a mudslide. The ground is soft and muddy, and I keep thinking about the hill giving way. Or the bridge collapsing. Train wreck. House fire; that's a pretty common scenario run through, so much so that I was doing fire drills with the kids yesterday. I also double checked our home insurance was up to date with correct information. Anyone I pass in the woods gets the over-the-shoulder stare so I know I'm not getting followed, and I scour the woods for anyone hiding in wait. I walk with an uncapped pen in my pocket, and my keys in my hand. I'm extremely jumpy and loud noises send me into the stratosphere. Volumes must be low, and I'm always being picked on my for my selective deafness, but lately, everyone keeps turning up the volume and it hurts. Is it any wonder after a day like that, I'm sleeping like the dead and unable to finish a task to completion?
Poor Husband must be anxious too. I woke up to hearing him scrape his coins off his bedside table into his pocket (I hate it, every morning, too loud, drives me NUTS) and I said "Why are you leaving so early?" he said the alarm went off and he was going to work. I thought - no way, I never sleep through an alarm - looked at the clock and it said 5:55. The alarm goes off at 6:30. "It's not even six yet." he was stunned, swears he heard the alarm. He heard something, but I don't know what. "No wonder I'm so tired this morning. I may as well go in since I'm up." so he'll be home early at least.
I'm going to have to be "The Girl Of 100 Lists" in order to get through this.
I really dislike spam mail. It's annoying me.
Last Thursday night shift!!
Did I mention I've stopped drinking caffeine, I hate it. I mean I hate not drinking it because I love caffeine.
Did I also mention I've just finished my first cycle with the mooncup? Well I did and it's not too bad. I did struggle with finding the best way to get it in place but I've got that sussed now. The only drawback is the need for scrubbing with a nailbrush after using it. My poor cuticles are raw.
Thinking of going back on Atkins. Carbs (that's the bad sugar laden, processed whiteness ones) are a depression trigger for me and I've been craving cookies and fruit cake lately. Time for a carb purge and get some dietary perspective back.
I know that Pink by Victoria's Secret are popular, but why are Goldigga and Playboy?? They scream cheap. They scream tart. They scream cheap tart. I would never wear something with "Goldigga" blazoned across the front. Apart from the obvious - I'm the least vampish looking person going, but that aside, what is the apparel appeal?
Song of inspiration for today is Echobelly Great things