Thursday, February 21, 2008

Who is this woman?

I'm having an identity crisis. I think it's been going on since I was a teenager and heard the phrase "Find Oneself" and thought that it was something everyone has to do before being considered an adult. Finding one's passion, striving force, glory and calm and whatever the hell else the vagueness of finding oneself encompasses. I think to this day, I still have no clue who I am. Somedays that makes me feel all right, like I still have tons to discover and that I'm an evolving being, not static. Other times, I feel like I'm stuck in the mud, spinning my wheel and aren't ever going to find the way forward. I kind of feel like that this week. Stuck, spinning and lost. Temporarily.

I know it's temporary. Eventually something shiny will come along and distract me. I lack that ability to remain focussed on one thing for too long. Unfortunately that attention span has been diminished to minutes lately. I have a house full of half finished chores, I get half dressed (pajama top and jeans) and haven't been doing my homework. I keep forgetting to finish the cup of tea I'm drinking and go make another one. Cold tea is depressing. I've given the gym a miss this week, as I'm getting a cold and my head is throbbing. Running with a throbbing headache; doing anything with a throbbing headache, is misery.

I'm also amped up on the anxiety scale. Constant worries over disaster, this week mainly mudslides, although this part of Scotland has never had a mudslide. The ground is soft and muddy, and I keep thinking about the hill giving way. Or the bridge collapsing. Train wreck. House fire; that's a pretty common scenario run through, so much so that I was doing fire drills with the kids yesterday. I also double checked our home insurance was up to date with correct information. Anyone I pass in the woods gets the over-the-shoulder stare so I know I'm not getting followed, and I scour the woods for anyone hiding in wait. I walk with an uncapped pen in my pocket, and my keys in my hand. I'm extremely jumpy and loud noises send me into the stratosphere. Volumes must be low, and I'm always being picked on my for my selective deafness, but lately, everyone keeps turning up the volume and it hurts. Is it any wonder after a day like that, I'm sleeping like the dead and unable to finish a task to completion?

Poor Husband must be anxious too. I woke up to hearing him scrape his coins off his bedside table into his pocket (I hate it, every morning, too loud, drives me NUTS) and I said "Why are you leaving so early?" he said the alarm went off and he was going to work. I thought - no way, I never sleep through an alarm - looked at the clock and it said 5:55. The alarm goes off at 6:30. "It's not even six yet." he was stunned, swears he heard the alarm. He heard something, but I don't know what. "No wonder I'm so tired this morning. I may as well go in since I'm up." so he'll be home early at least.

I'm going to have to be "The Girl Of 100 Lists" in order to get through this.

I really dislike spam mail. It's annoying me.

Last Thursday night shift!!

Did I mention I've stopped drinking caffeine, I hate it. I mean I hate not drinking it because I love caffeine.

Did I also mention I've just finished my first cycle with the mooncup? Well I did and it's not too bad. I did struggle with finding the best way to get it in place but I've got that sussed now. The only drawback is the need for scrubbing with a nailbrush after using it. My poor cuticles are raw.

Thinking of going back on Atkins. Carbs (that's the bad sugar laden, processed whiteness ones) are a depression trigger for me and I've been craving cookies and fruit cake lately. Time for a carb purge and get some dietary perspective back.

I know that Pink by Victoria's Secret are popular, but why are Goldigga and Playboy?? They scream cheap. They scream tart. They scream cheap tart. I would never wear something with "Goldigga" blazoned across the front. Apart from the obvious - I'm the least vampish looking person going, but that aside, what is the apparel appeal?

Song of inspiration for today is Echobelly Great things


Ree said...

You're the second identity crisis I've read today.

Something IS in the air though, I feel it way across the pond over here.

RoxRocks said...

It's February. Everyone feels a little wacky in February. You've got alot going on, mooncups and all. Feel better!

Donna said...

You've got the Winter...HeebyJeebies...You've had enough cold! The locarb diet is wonderful for the heebyjeebies. Before long all the light bulbs in you head will be back on...promise! hugs to you sweetie!

Maja said...

Get back on the coffee! You can have one to two cups a day. That's why your attention span is so low, and it might also be the reason for the headaches. There's no need to give up caffeine completely, in my opinion.

Hey, wait a minute, you're still drinking tea.. that's got caffeine in it too..

karla said...

I know the source of your identity crisis AND your anxiety. It's because I haven't posted lately. Well, you're in luck. I just poasted. You're welcome.

Anonymous said...

i feel the same right now i hate it right now im supposed to be at this big blogger conference i paid to go to and sent adam in my place i was so unhermit for a while i thought i could do it but i can't i have no idea who i am right now and *why* certain people are actually friends with me and it is being in my 30's now for real like almost 31 and man i just hear you but sorry i so unloaded on 'me'. but i just know you'll understand cause i understand you right now. you should get back on twitter!!!!

Sarah said...

I have to come back and read this.
I love you.
I miss you.

Lyvvie said...

Ree: You know I don't think it's a real identity crisis, I think it's a misdirected feeling of failure because of this belif that we are supposed to "find ourselves". I think it's impossible to find oneself, because we change so much. maybe what I'm doing is playing hide-and-seek with myself and at this moment I'm just about to call "All come back" because, damn I hid well this time!

Roxy: I know it, I do I really do. I've said it myself. I think we should name this February blues, make an eight point plan for the self-help market on getting through it and publish a number one best seller. I know so many who'd buy it.

Donna: It's working already. Woke up this morning and did not feel the cosmos trying to suck me into oblivion via the middle of my mattress. I love hugs.

Maja: I know, caffeine isn't bad, it's my abuse of caffeine that's bad. I did have two cups before work last night. Although for induction phase of Atkins you're not supposed to have any caffeine as it causes insulin spikes. *rolls eyes* I really think the pancreas is such an asshole. Headaches are definitely caused by a head cold as proven by the copious amounts of...nose blowing I'm needing just now. *drool* tea. I love tea. And the cocoa too. *blush*

Karla: Hooray!! Your true fans would never let you fade away.

Corinna: This is one of those times when turning a topic around to about yourself is ok because you're showing "Babe! you are So Not Alone!" and it helps. I love you, come and hermit with me. Oh...and what blogger's convention. fucking UK never has cool stuff like that!! AND I really remember 31 sucked a lot more than 30 because 30 felt like an achievement, 31 felt like a sentence.

Sarah: I love you Too! So Much!

Flutterby said...

LOL "Golddigga across the front".. here in the states something like that is splatted right across the ass end of something that barely covers the ass end. Along with "hottie" or "juicy". Even on little girl clothes. Skanky! Thanks for visiting my blog today!

tornwordo said...

Ah yes the mooncup. Here's some fun, calculate how much this device will save you until the dreaded menopause.

Victoria said...

livvie, my favorite advice was - "don't change a thing, you're already there.."

Of course it's unnatural to feel that way. But maybe it's the truth.

Always makes me feel better..

Red Hot Sexy Papa said...

hey hey,

They have just released the final trilogy of Death Notes. The movie is called "L: Changed The World"...

Have you watched the movies?

Blazngfyre said...

Go back on the caffeine.

We women ride the raging hormonal roller coaster from cradle to grave, and like any good coaster, it has breathtaking peaks, and scare-the-life-out-of-you valleys.
The only thing you can count on is that it will change.

You'll be fine Lyvvie .... we all believe in you! :D

Crystal* said...

Ah, honey.
I feel your pain.
Can't focus.
Everything sucks.
Mebbe it's just that time of year. Anxiously waiting Spring.
Hell. It's gotta be something, right?