Thursday, August 30, 2007

LoveHoney Erotic Writing Competition

I don't think you'll find this competition listed much on other erotica competition sites, so I thought I'd add it here. (Although I have found it mentioned on a few other author's sites.) There's two competitions going for stories between 3000-5000 words, and one for short stories of 500-800 words. The hitch is you have to include on of the toys from the site in your story.

We've got until November 30th to submit and I would like to challenge everyone to at least enter the short competition. Come on! What harm will it bring? you could win money, and free toys.

All details are here at LoveHoney Erotic Story Competion Page I think Doug could try one with the Aneros, and Kate's got a coffee table lovelump that must have a story to share...

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Common sense beaten to a pulp...

Anyone who's married will know that they don't just marry the person, but their whole family, and you will be a very lucky person indeed to marry into a family that has a few half decent folks in it. I haven't been so lucky. My husband's family is very small, and there's only one who I've come to love, admire and respect and that's Great-Grandma Betty.

Betty is 86 and lives alone in a really nice part of Edinburgh. She's always been very active, has a large network of friends that she keeps in touch with. She's smart, friendly and is one of the nicest people I've ever met. A few years ago she was living in the upper flat of a of block of four apartments, and as Betty has one wooden leg, the climb up the stairs were getting difficult. When the flat below her went up for sale she bought it.

At the same time, my youngest sister-in-law, Auntie Hagrid, was moving out of the family home and striking out on her own into the challenging career of a dental hygienist. Grandma wanted to give her a big help; so she offered to sell Hagridess her current apartment at the same price that she bought it for: £48000 pounds. Now a small lesson in Edinburgh real estate: You can't get a two bedroom apartment in Edinburgh for under £100000 unless you're in a slum, Auntie Hagrid was getting a chance in a lifetime. The flat was valued at £127000 and she got the mortgage (and now a choice bit of equity built up in gifted real estate) and begins her life with a small mortgage.

Auntie Hagrid a wee while later meets and falls in love with Almost Uncle Lurch. He's five years younger than her, but for some reason the two of them get along. It shocks everyone as Auntie Hargid is, well...Hagrid-like. But we were happy for them! And some time later they become engaged. He moves in - although they claim to be waiting for marriage for the sex stuff, seeing as his Dad is the minister of their church. All of that is aside, Lurch is still in university and works a few hours in B&Q and it's all ok as Auntie Hagrid can support them. and his Xbox habit, and his friends hanging around drinking and eating all their food, and his complete messiness, and he kind of smells like a hippie student, and he has to have all of his meat pureed or he'll vomit because he choked on a piece of meat as a child...But you know: she's got someone!

So, recently, we visited our beloved Betty and one of the things we always do is take a small turn in her garden, which believe me is a stand in one spot and turn as it's probably 15 foot square, and be awed by how green fingered she is. Betty can make anything grow. She loves her garden, and as she's becoming increasingly housebound, her garden is her saviour from boredom and freedom from her comfy chair. Last year we treated her to a new drying line as the one she had was ancient, rusted and falling apart. One of those things you keep putting off as it's not so important, but it's great to have new when it comes. Last year she had a pacemaker put in, and this year she's had cataract surgery. He ability to get out, even for her shopping, is diminished substantially now. We usually see her every weekend, and tour the garden to see what new flowers have opened. Last week we opened the back door to see this:

Betty's GardenBetty's GardenThe old washing line

There's a bloody big trampoline in the middle of Betty's garden! Lurch bought it. Thought it would be great for all the kids. Sure you could just bounce off the stone wall, or shed, but it'll be fine! So come bounce on the giant trampoline, and ain't he great to have thought of everyone? Oh, well, except Grandma Betty, because he just took away her garden and her new drying line - which used to stand where the trampoline now is. Now it still looks like a big garden with the other side, but remember, Betty is elderly with one leg and walking on pebbles is unsteady ground for her.

When we confronted Hagrid about it she said "It's nothing to do with me!" and walked off. Nothing to do with her. She only pays the mortgage, owns the land (The pebbled side is in the deeds as Betty's, the grass side is Hagrid's. But, Betty gave her such a good deal on the mortgage and land you'd think Hagrid would let Betty run the garden as she sees fit) oh and isn't she going to be a partner in this marriage? Or is she in reality a complete fucking doormat. I know she's not pretty, but really, if you think the bastard will leave you for fighting your corner you're better off without him. But no, she'd never dare. She just wants her big wedding, her day in the white dress and the rest will just come a huge damned shock. Have I mentioned I'm not going to her wedding? Yeah...I'm like that. I'm not going to support a union I find so unbearably selfish. I'm not even going to get into the hissy fits she pulled while her dad was in hospital, suffering a major illness for seven months, pissed off that he may not be able to pay for this big wedding she has planned. How dare Daddy get sick!?

So the only thing I can do, as I've been asked not to talk to her, because she could cry; and Betty doesn't want to talk to Lurch, in case he leaves Auntie Hagrid and breaks her heart, I'm going to shame them here on my blog. I'm so embittered about this, you have no idea. I think the added insult is that two weeks later, the trampoline was still there, and full of water as no one's been using it! It's a poor man's swimming pool. All I keep hearing about is how broke Hagrid and Lurch are, but they can splash out on a trampoline weeks before the big wedding they can't afford??

I promise: if the trampoline is there next week, I'm taking a stanley knife to it. They can sue me for cost, but Betty's getting her garden back if it's the last thing I do.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Life: In General

This week has gone by so fast! I can't believe it's Friday already. A gentle reminder from a close friend said "Blog more, will ya!", and I thought, What are you talking about? I've blogged tons lately! But then noticed I've been absent since Monday and how naughty of me!

Tuesday, SassyFace started fourth grade, and she was so excited to get back to school. She's been moaning about going back for weeks because she misses her friends. A small voice in my head shouts "School is not a social gathering! It's a place for education!" which is what one of my teachers used to tell me. She so far likes her new teacher, which will make the next ten months go by much quicker. If Mrs. L makes one mistake with sassy in these early days - it'll be a grueling slog. And school already has its sloggy qualities without adding annoying teachers into the mix.

Shorty started pre-school yesterday and you've never seen a more excited kid! I swear she nearly pushed me to leave. But as it was her first day, I had to stay, just in case she turned clingy and whiny and stuff. Which a couple other kids did, their Moms sneaking around trying to hide just out of site to create distance, but soon the kiddie radar went off and the child was on the prowl, leaving the Mom skulking behind corners, whispering prayers. I prefer being pushed out the door and told to leave, to be quite honest. Shorty was the youngest in her class, which is kind of shocking as the others were all four or almost four. She can handle it, she's so smart. I also hope pre-school will encourage her to use the toilet more as she sees her peers doing so. And it's cute little bathroom, with tiny toilets low on the floor, tiny sinks - just adorable! Until, I needed one and I felt a bit crouched and uncomfortable, looking up at a door with a section cut out so grown-ups and check up on the occupants and easy unlock the door in case of troubles. I shall not make use of that bathroom again myself, as I have enough issues with public toilets from my own school days to deal with.

I've swapped workouts a bit and doing more gym less classes and I hurt. Today, everything hurts! I'm a walking pain (which my Husband will attest but for different reasons). The Back to Basics class is run by a very wonderful Irish woman who has recently been transformed into an ass kicking machine. I liked her better as something of a jolly, motivating gossip, but now she's determined to make everyone feel pain. Wednesday she had us doing the supine bridge with the balance ball, where we lie on the floor with our pelvises raised in the air pushing the ball out and in with our feet: Fucking Ouch! The backs of my knees, and my back are killing me. Plus I've increased my triceps workout to twice a week to try and tone and burn on the upper arms and they are sore too - which takes a lot of effort for me. I can do endless triceps exercises and never get the muscles sore so it takes heavy weight and high reps to get any kind of workout satisfaction there; four sets of 20 kickbacks on 20-25lbs plus push-ups.

Speaking of push-ups, I spent a small amount of yesterday trying to find youtube vids of proper push-up technique because I always worry about pressure on my elbows, and should the elbows be out to the side or down to the side of the body and I still don't know because everyone points their elbows in different directions, so I settled on out the sides, because that's how Sporticus does them and I'm loving Sporticus these days.

I've just last night changed my work days, so instead of doing three night shifts in a row, I get to break them up. So I'm now working on Monday, Thursday and Friday and no more Saturdays! So I have my weekends free for the family now which is awesome. All these new shifts (Thanks! no one caught that typo for me; you meanies!) were brought in to start gearing up for Christmas rota. Christmas already!! And you know, we went into CostCo at the weekend and they already had Christmas stuff out! Wrapping paper and decorations and the monster sized toy aisles. Scary shit. It's fucking abusive to the populace to press Christmas on us in August, there should be a law against it.

Monday, August 20, 2007

On the Rabbit Again.

So Doug declares that I must explain myself in regard to the promotion of the Rabbit Amnesty currently running on my favourite toy shop called LoveHoney To help explain things. I'll show you this ad from German toy manufacturer,Fun Factory.




I think it tells my point on the subject perfectly, because women have done this. Have been ashamed of their sexual needs and resort to object hunting. I remember when I was in high school a friend leaned in and pointed out another girl who I knew to be very smart, a bit shy and kept to herself, "She fucks her brush handle." I was informed. The poor thing, reduced to a sexual act with a brush. And it's not her fault! Women have more needs than a pair of hands can attend to, and something insertable will help. The humiliation of pleasuring oneself with a bush handle is one thing, but having everyone find out is another and this risk of being discovered is terrifying. One only needs to watch the movie American to know this doesn't only happen to girls, but it's girls I'm talking about just now.

Who'd be a teenage girl?! Having to toe that line of slut or saint every day. But how horrible to have tons of questions about your body, want to figure out the answers and are resorting to vegetables for the answers. Some states have age restrictions for purchase of vibrators, which means she's got to ask someone to get one for her - what girl is going to do that? I've decided, when my girls start asking questions, I'll offer them a vibrator. They'll probably squirm in disgust at the very thought, but better that than be known as the brush fucker. Also, better to give the girl a dildo so she can figure her body our for herself, than put her on the pill and throw her to the lion's den.

The thing is, women shouldn't be ashamed to admit they may need help in attending to their sexual needs. You only need to read the Orgasm Army forum, run by LoveHoney, to see women being very enthusiastic about their collections. And women share; with partners, these toys of joy. Oh Joy, indeed.

A problem occurs however when we decide to take the plunge and buy a vibrator or dildo. Online is best, discreet, no one will know what's hidden in the packaging. And I know Augrha (Who has hat tipped me to the Glorious Onion! and it's so on topic!) would be a wonderful sight to behold in her sex shop, but in reality, or in my reality, it's some sweaty looking perv-man who's having thoughts. About me. In the sex shop. So I don't go there. How do you know what you buy will be good? Will it be too big? Too small? smell awful? Be weird? Have you seen some designs - they take a bit of thought to figure out how to use. This is why I like LoveHoney (This is turning out to be an advertisement, I should get discounts!) because they review everything, even what the items smell like. My first dildo was too big, uncomfortable and smelled like burnt rubber - and that smell transfers. It was awful. In this game you will definitely get what you pay for, so paying for quality is my best advice. But that doesn't mean I've not bought things that have turned out to be disappointing. This includes a rabbit vibrator that is pretty useless in my opinion. So how delighted was I to find in my e-mail last week an invitation to get rid of the dustbunny and replace it with the top model for half price! Well very delighted I admit!

We adults must eschew our shame of our sexual needs and address them. This shouldn't mean that our partners feel guilt for not being able to be there at two in the afternoon (Or two in the morning in my case) when the need hits. I think it's common for one partner to have a higher libido than the other anyways, and isn't it better your partner be buzzing with her bunny than with another man? Exactly.

Friday, August 17, 2007

And the mighty tree fell.

I had some felling done in the garden today. We had a large eucalyptus growing in the garden but it got a bit too big for its britches. It's doubled in size in the past four years, drops leaves all year round and whenever we get the gales in Autumn, I'm frightened it'll fall over. It also annoys my sweet, elderly neighbor as it leans over our fence and drops leaves on her garden too. She did give me a bit of a lecture about how I should've trimmed it back every year, but that wouldn't have done a thing about its trunk breaking our fence.

I found a great guy, local, who quoted for us at nearly half what some of these drive buy doorbell ringers where asking. I hate those scamming bastards. Nope, I'll be singing the high praises of Mr. Plummer for years to come. He even went over to my neighbor's yard and trimmed her cedar for her for free. I even paid him an extra twenty pounds because he deserved it - and he didn't even take the coffee I offered. I make good coffee - don't make that face.

We'll need to wait a further three weeks before we can fix the fence, as the stump needs killed off first.

Here's some pictures:

half gone...How can I spy on the nighbor with all that green in the way?cleared yard with covered stumpsBroken fence

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Missing my Dad...

Both Doug and Corinna have done posts where they talk about their Dads. Doug was talking about his childhood memory of what his Dad was always doing, playing solitaire. Corinna was talking about music her parents listened to that she now has appreciation for. It's made me think about both questions: What do I remember most about my Dad and music we share.

what I remember most, is my Dad was tired. He was a carpenter and worked 10 hour days and would come home exhausted and lie on the couch and want to wind down and watch the news. Often he was a bear about it, and territorial about his couch - no sharing. If you did sit at the very end of the couch, near his feet, you would be assaulted with toxic fart fumes.

In his younger days he had weekend energy and we'd go camping, and meet other families and have cookouts and stuff. It was great. Fishing, boating and I remember visiting an Indian reservation where I was allowed to throw an axe and shoot a shotgun that blew me backwards onto my ass, to much adult hilarity.

His older days seemed to be his attempts to collect toys; the big truck, the boat, the camper van, and lots of things. He seemed very happy spending money, but never seemed very happy. He'd have bursts of energy, inspiration and be a jolly motivated kind of person quickly followed by episodes of depression on the couch watching the news. I loved him most on the highs and always wanted that Daddy around. I endured the grouch on the couch until he became inspired again.

Anyways, music was a love in life. He had, well I think, atrocious taste in music. And as his child I'm allowed to say that because the man tortured me into making some lousy and desperate music choices of my own purely for escape. I at least have youth as my excuse. I often think his way of ensuring I went out to play and left the house was to put his Boxcar Willie 8-tracks on. I remember the long weekends of almost a year of non-stop Roger Whittaker. As a result, however, I lust after men with deep, soulful voices, as in my young childhood I fell in love with Lou Rawls. That was my sister's 8-track though, not Dad's.

I've included a list of some of the songs I put up with and have never really appreciated. I can sing them, even enjoy them for a fleeting moment before I remember the lonely hours in the woods behind my house playing alone, waiting for the dreaded music to stop. Listen for yourself...No you must! Click some of these and listen to them. Even a few seconds will do...

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Wheezy giggles

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Sometimes I can't let it go...

nab45humI've wanted to post about all sorts of things but I'm stumped by this issue. This annoying wee thing that won't let me be. It's Shredded Wheat.

See, they sell it in these big boxes, open it up and there's individual packets. Now I actually prefer the small, bite-sized shredded wheats, but accidentally ordered the big biscuits. I don't like the big biscuits. They don't fit in the bowl, are harder to eat as they are wider than my mouth and spoon, and can't get milky enough to chop without getting properly soggy and gross. They come in packets of three. Three. A serving size is two biscuits. So why do they wrap them in threes? Why not twos, or even fours so I could save the other two for the next morning? Why give me a superfluous biscuit? And - they are sold as 27 biscuits to the box; that means I am being stiffed out of half a serving!

SHREDDED_WHEAT

Why dictate to me that a serving is two biscuits and then force feed me more than that? Make me find alternative packaging (usually a ziplock bag) to store the extra biscuit in so it won't go stale and then leave me a biscuit short at the end of the box? It's insane! Do you not think that's just insane? Am I wrong in this? It's just so amazingly wrong! It even has the cheek on the box to say "This pack contains thirteen 45g servings" , which it does...plus extra. (I know this because I weighed them.)



So I'm going to phone them and complain...Yes I am. Right now as a matter of fact. OK. So it seems that, first of all: I am not the only one who is frustrated by this, as the very nice lady on the on the Nestle Cereals helpline informed me she gets about thirty of these calls a week. She says that when they contracted their current factory, it was already set in place to package three biscuits, and it couldn't be changed. But - I am informed that they're beginning manufacture in a new factory soon (Damn! I should've asked if it was in the UK. Support local, you know.) and they will be packaging the biscuits in twos, AND in larger boxes to accommodate the extra (therefore 28) biscuit. I'll have to wait a further 6 months before I'll see this in the shops, though. But I do feel better for getting things straightened out.

And I'm so glad there's others out there who are also frustrated by this. I am not the only weirdo in the UK. The thing that bugs me the most: I don't even buy the big biscuits - I buy bite sized. And will buy bite-sized from now on. So why, after all of this, has it been such an issue with me?

Friday, August 10, 2007

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Mystery Gift

TheLiesOfLockeLamoraI received a book in the mail today. It was posted from in the UK, but it had no note or receipt enclosed. I've rifled the pages and checked the covers for something, but nothing is there. Not even a business return address. I have no idea who it's from or who to thank. It's not on my Amazon wishlist, although, I have looked at it a few times in the shops. Stalker? Nah....

Whoever you are, Thank you very much.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

No Fair!

I only ever find plastic tampon applicators on my beach...

legomanAhoyAMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A giant, smiling Lego man was fished out of the sea in the Dutch resort of Zandvoort on Tuesday.
(Advertisement)

Workers at a drinks stall rescued the 2.5-metre (8-foot) tall model with a yellow head and blue torso.

"We saw something bobbing about in the sea and we decided to take it out of the water," said a stall worker. "It was a life-sized Lego toy."

A woman nearby added: "I saw the Lego toy floating towards the beach from the direction of England."

The toy was later placed in front of the drinks stall.


I wonder if he was reported as a missing person?

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

New Toy!

I know I supposed to SBD the Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows, but I got my new mobile phone yesterday and was tinkering with it all afternoon and, well...forgot! I managed to find all these pictures I'd forgotten about, because I didn't have a data pack before and didn't realise my old phone had bluetooth - duh, they just stayed on the phone taking up memory. So I got all the decent ones loaded up to the Mac and on flickr and here! I'm sharing!

Now, the old cameraphone (Nokia 6600) as pretty good, but new technology is so much better. I've now got the Nokia N73 (Because I just couldn't yet afford the N95 and thought it may be too much for my simple needs)There's also a couple 10 second videos of Shorty and Sassy singing the Peppa Pig song. I'll figure out how to upload those...

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Thursday, August 02, 2007

Oh My Eyes!!

I love perusing the Go Fug Yourself website, not because I'm addicted to snark, but because I like seeing those who portend to have perfect bods and tons of people to help promote their image, can still look like us normal people, or worse. But when I saw This Tidbit about high waisted shorts, that used a picture of Steve Perry. I forgot all about the high waist fashion and was horrified by the painful Man Camel-Toe! Holy crap! That's got to hurt - no wonder he wasn't really smiling! He was desperate to pull his jeans down a bit. The Denim Vasectomy!

So of course, I had to investigate the occurrence of MCT.

Fat Elvis MCT
I mean, just OW!
Historical corduroy, for all to enjoy.
In advertising. Don't be that guy!
This one just made me laugh...no toe.
It is the sport or the spandex?
Dick Cheney.
Man caught on bus.
Washington Toe?!
Belly and some toe

Please, stop this. Men and women alike. It's just not doing anyone any good. Except Doug, who happens to love a bit of toe. (link working now!!)

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Technology!

My brother sent me a picture of my blog on his new iPhone. Isn't he great!

P1030380

Because I want to...

I'm in the mood to torment those with OCD. I'm sure someone will find this photo completely offensive in every way. What do you hate about it most?

PICT0212