Wednesday, August 30, 2006

The way of things today.

I'm feeling a bit better today, even though I didn't get much sleep last night. I was restless, talking too much in my head - not even worrying stuff just daydreams and fiction. Shorty was up in the night too with a wet bed and sleepy tantrum - how dare I change her diaper while she sleeps in urine soaked pajamas, and to add insult to injury, I change her pajamas! Scandal!!

I went for breakfast with a friend and ate the 4X2 special (two eggs, two bacon two sausage and two slices of toast) and gave the toast to Shorty - who perked up and shouted "Jam! Jam Pweese. Jam!" Had three cups of excellent coffee and have been pissing ever since - I was lucky I didn't have to jump into the woods for emergency pee - thought about it, was able to hold until I got home. I retained my dignity.

Before I went home I went to the sport center and paid to have Shorty back in the creche for tomorrow - previously postponed because of 11:30 dentist appointment, but the dentist called me yesterday to move the appt to 3:30 in the afternoon. So Sassy can go to school (due to awful appt. time I was going to keep her home) and I can go to the gym. I was happy. She, not so much.

I'm having a high fiber day - must clean out candy gunge in pipes. I'm taking psyllium, and eating a bowl of all bran whenever I get hungry. This means I am also going to drink about three liters of water today. Tomorrow should be *ahem* eventful.

I am going to clean the house, fold and put away the laundry and have a good look at some writing and get outlines better organised. Later, I'll get to read for my own enjoyment - a rare treat. I'm considering putting a short story into the Bubblehead short story review. But then. Miss Snark is also opening up her professional opinions for everyone - that may be too big a risk for me, coward that I am.

I also signed over to the Blogger Beta this morning. I haven't noticed too many differences other than the spell check is far superior and I can new post from my top line border thing - don't make be technical, I'm no HTML specialist. I think it'll be pretty cool though.

***Ok one complaint - I can't comment on blogs with word verification because the thing keeps getting it's knickers in a twist. So Gerbera: glad to have you back!! Tried to tell you a few times but it just won't let me.

Hey...

I've consumed, partially and with help, three bags of peanut M&MS over the past two weeks (OK four bags if you count the one at the movies but I couldn't see the colours and so don't count as to this post) and I've just realised - There's no orange ones. What's happened to the orange M&MS??!! I mean I'm not happy about the blue ones, but to remove the orange ones - Why?? It must be a fluke, and yet - three confirmed bags sans orange??

I think this demands further investigation.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Timeline Static.

I seems to have forgotten that time has this habit of passing. I don't live to schedules or deadlines anymore so I pretty much airy-fairy my way through life. I have few appointments and those I do have I tend to forget and have to reset about three times. That's the only lame excuse I can come up with for forgetting to post my Smart Bitches Day post yesterday.

I was looking into some of those "How To write a Romance Novel" websites and was comparing and contrasting information to see which ones are helpful and which ones are misleading. I got a bit wrapped up. I ended up at one point link clicking about ten pages deep and I forgot which page was the original. Before I knew it, it was time to cook dinner. I'll keep going with the SBD - but if i get sidetracked again I may have to go another route.

I'm out to the gym this morning, it's leg day. I've been naughty lately - keep craving and eating peanut M&Ms. I don't know what it is about them, but I just have to have them. The blue ones still bother me - the colour just doesn't mix well, and it's the only one that does melt in your hand - they're not supposed to do that! Remember the slogan "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand." Well the damned hideous blue ones DO melt in your hand. Bastard blue M&Ms. I think they should've been a nicer blue, a slightly darker blue. They should have palette matched the colour better. It really annoys me. Now, I actually like that shade of blue - it looks great on clothes, nice on quilts, but not in the bag of M&Ms.

I've been looking over some outlines for a story I started a couple years ago. Trying to see if I still like it, like the characters, the writing. I have such a hard time writing sometimes, it feels like the walls close in and I can't read/write anything anymore. Hysterical blindness. I don't know why, anxiety I guess.

Sassy came up to me with a very worried look on her face yesterday morning. I asked her what was up...

"I worry because I'm not like other people."
"How do you mean?"
"I feel different."
"How different?"
"I don't know..."
"What, like you have bats flying out of your ears or something?" I suggest.
"Yes, only when I turn to look for them, they fly away and I never get to catch them."

I love my kids.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Imperfection

Doug Said: "I hate reading your workout details. It becomes so evident you could kick my ass around the block. Happy to see you back, though ;) "

Aw Doug, you're a sweetheart. But that's what seven months of hard work, and the development of a slight exercise obsession, has brought me. In the beginning I was doing three days a week and could barely ride the bike for ten minutes, would get scared of the elliptical after three and couldn't fill 45 minutes with enough exercise to make the time feel worth while.

I started very slowly, very nervously. I thought I was too fat to be in the gym. I'm too out of shape and people will laugh at me. Thankfully, I realized after a few weeks that I'm not the center of the world and no one really noticed me at all. I found that the gym isn't full of perfection, but of other people trying to overcome their short comings.

Dedication? No, sorry - It's fear. I have a pair of jeans that I bought a few years ago, but never really got to wear because they were tight, then I was pregnant, then I was trying to lose the pregnancy weight, then I gave up trying and soon found myself in January completely unable to even zip those jeans up. Today those jeans are far too big. I like those jeans baggy, saggy and able to be pulled down without undoing the button. I go to the gym because I have to push myself, I have to improve myself, I have become healthy and better. I feel like I have to live my life in an entirely different way than anyone else in my Dad's family - the whole lot of them are a bloodline of illness, misery and early death. It's full of diabetes, heart disease, cancer and loss of teeth in early adulthood (for which I'm really scared!) I'm too young at heart to have an old fat arse!!

My kids deserve a Mom who wants to run about and play with them. They deserve a Mom who CAN run about and play with them. I don't want to be so tired from a day of boring ole housework that all I can do is sip tea and watch TV. I don't want to be angry and grouchy because I'm TIRED all the time.

I saw myself becoming that person. I was that person 7 months ago and she scared me. She disgusted me. I run away from her now. There's a picture of my huge fat bum in those jeans in my wallet now and I make myself look at it. I don't want that ever again. I get edgy and upset if I can't get to the gym, if I have to miss it I plan extra workouts later - this is my obsession now. Not extreme food restriction, fasting or fad diets. It's the exercise. Pushing myself all the time. I weightlift until it hurts - because I feel better with the muscles sore. Does that sound like self-injury?? Maybe. I am in pain for most of the week, but it feels like achievement to me. I like the ache because it means I did it right. You don't hear about this aspect of bodybuilding - that you choose to live with a certain amount of discomfort. The phrase No pain no gain never really made sense before - but it does now.

I still don't know if I should tell the whole truth about my stats. Should I post the humongous ass picture with a current big ass picture? I have a long way to go - of this I do not delude myself. I figure I have another 12 months before I reach my goal weight. Weight is coming off slowly - 35 pounds in 7 months. That'll be due to years of ignorant eating and yo-yo diets, so I have a dead slow metabolism now. But every day will bring me closer to my goals. Focus on the health and not the numbers(I only weigh myself monthly now). Look at all the positives.

The thing I'm proud of myself for recently: I finally jogged my two miles nonstop. On Friday. I nearly cried when I saw the numbers turn 2.00. Next goal will be 2.5 miles, but I'll bask in the glow of the two mile rush for a while - it took me over a month just to get myself from 1.5 - 2.00 so I have to accept that progress is slow for me. Everything is a challenge and I'm game to meet each one. Plus being silly in the gym is still the main motivator; yes I did throw my arms in the air and "WooHoo" loudly when I hit my two mile goal. It's how I do this fitness thing.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Where you at?

I know I've been AWOL - sorry about that. I've been stressed with an over anxious child who's far too excited about going back to school on Tuesday. Sassy has been nearly unbearbale for a few weeks now. she annoys her sister, who then screams - and I mean a high pitched, full blast, lungs of a Diva type screams - and I've been counting to twenty so much it's my mantra now.

The only break I can get was when I go to the gym. There I have two hours away from them and their noise. I've been in the gym a lot lately, as you would imagine. That causes exhaustion, which added to irritable hormones from hell (that I am seeing the Dr. about) during my period and ovulation (oh yeah, a double whammy of raging hell) and I've been a bit of a wreck. Also, three weeks of Atkins worked great for losing weight, but added to the extreme irritibility - like crazed-fuming-nuts some days, where the only cure was a half a bottle of white wine and a few cigarettes.

I keep thinking of what my grandmother used to tell me "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." which is why I've been quiet - I've not really got much nice to say. But, this is my blog and if I want to bitch moan and complain I should. Why not? Well, because family read this too, usually trawling for pictures of the kids, but they do read it too. So can I be completely honest - not really. should I change the URL - what would that achieve? I know folks do it all the time, but do I want to? Perhaps I should set up another blog for family viewing, and keep this one as the online journal where I can express myself freely (a phrase which always make me think about lactating up a wall - as did the song "Express yourself") but then, they do still have this URL - wouldn't they just get curious, nosey and paranoid??

Quandary.

I'm currently enjoying the fact that I'm now slimmer than I was before I fell pregnant with Sassy eight years ago. I'm wearing jeans that I bought back in 1997 and never wore because they were tight and uncomfortable and gave me a muffin top so I have nine year old new jeans. The weight thing kind of gets me down; I work my ass off - quite literally - and the changes are slow. Seven months and I've lost 35lbs. I have to keep reminding myself that I am also weight lifting, so as I lose a pound, I probably gain it back again in muscle. The scale doesn't tell me what I want to hear, but my clothes do. the question still hovers about me: do I confess my real weight, progress and the like? I'm not comfortable with that yet. I don't mind talking about what I'm doing and all that stuff, but having to reveal - well it's just too much. I'm a girl with body issues (except for my boobs - they're great) and an eating disorder to contend with so you'll have to understand there's a high level of shame involved. I get cagey about my weight.

My new gym routine, which starts tomorrow, is very challlenging. Here's the schedual:

Monday – Chest and Biceps

30 minutes cardio + 10 minutes running/one mile

Flat Bench Press
Incline Bench Press
Flat Bench Dumbell Flyes
Fly machine front and back
Standing Cable Curls
Preacher Curls
Seated/Standing Dumbell Curls
Forearm twists
Wrist lifts
Wrist curls

Tuesday – Legs, Glutes and Abs

20 minutes stairclimber + 10 minutes running/one mile

Weighted squats
Weighted calf raises
Weighted lunges
Leg press machine
Leg lift machine
Leg curl machine
Crunches- regular and reverse
Weighted Sidebends
Heel touches

Wednesday – Off

Thursday – Shoulders and Triceps
20 minutes running

Seated/Standing Military Press
Lateral Raises
Shrugs
Tricep Press Down
Tricep pull down
Cable rows
Dumbell kickbacks

Friday – Abs
40 minutes cardio

Crunches - regular and reverse
Crunch machine
Weighted sidebends
Heel touches

Saturday – Swimming

Sunday – Cardio/running

I've been following this loosely for a couple weeks and it's rather sore, but I'm getting used to it. The running has been great, but I do get a sore right foot and have to shuffle the cardio workouts about so I don't aggravate it too much. I also started doing a spinning class on Monday.

I've bought a heart rate monitor, and it tells me that most of my workouts are burning between 700-800 calories, but I also walk around town and run errands, so from the minute I leave the house until I get back home it's usually about three hours and I burn just over 1000 calories. You'd think I'd be losing weight like crazy wouldn't you - Wouldn't you! But I'm losing maybe a pound a week, and that's on the 1500 calorie diet. Enter my frustration level.

Motivation is still: time alone for me, time for the kids to play in the creche and getting fit. I've been wearing my dad's belt lately to remind me why I need to lose weight. My Dad was overweight around the middle, and a diabetic, so wearing his belt reminds me that, that is path I'll follow if I give up. When my dad died, I didn't take much of is things, I didn't see the point, but I absolutely wanted his belt and at the time I didn't know why, but I'm very glad I did take it. Every time I wear it I feel that wee bit closer to him, and it feels like he's supporting me. I wish I'd also taken his harmonicas, but hey, I'm not complaining.

So what's been up with you?



Thursday, August 03, 2006

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Having a hard time finding the joy.

Life is trudging along. We're halfway through the summer vacation. I've tried to find things to do for all the days be it going into the creche while I'm in the gym, going to the library or playpark. Whatever. Today I didn't really have a plan so I figured an extra day at the gym would be ok and I asked Sassy and she said it would be great. So we get ready. Correction: I get ready. She sits and remains glued to the cartoons. I have to badger, annoy, push and struggle to keep my temper in the presence of her sloth and growing sarcasm.

I did lose my temper. She was beginning to stomp around, be lame (shorts and long sleeves - no i won't wear jeans - no these aren't the same socks I wore yesterday but yes they really are. Shouting, sassy sassy wee bitch. She got a smack on the ass up the stairs because she said no when I asked to hurry and go brush her teeth. Time running short and she's decided to be obstinate.

We walked up to the gym because at that point I needed two hours away from her. When we got there it was too late and all the places were full. Long quiet walk home. So she's not going to the movies this weekend. She's not even allowed out of her room. Except for meals. And the toilet. She chose to have a a tantrum and be disobedient instead - hope she enjoys her time in her room.

We made a deal yesterday that if she could behave, and get five checks on her good behavior chart and no X's I would take her to see Cars at the weekend. She's ruined it already. Less than 24 hours and with a grand display of failure. Yes I had to brush her teeth for her. Yes I had to brush her hair for her. I had to choose her clothes. She was shouting at me, stamping her feet and making that annoying noise she makes when she's feeling stubborn.

Not much is going on otherwise. I'm still in the gym, still dieting but I've retired the scales for a few weeks because I find them distracting and demotivating. I want to see drastic changes but they're not coming fast enough. I'm now up to two miles on my running and the weights are the same. I took my first spinning class yesterday and that was good fun. The bikes don't spin though - I was expecting a bit of BMX action but it was just a stationary bike. But still it was good and I went the whole class and left a puddle of sweat beneath me that I felt guilty about but was told there's folks to come and clean it up right after. I felt it was wrong to expect someone else to clean up my sweat but I was ushered out and left it there.

Hubs has had to work late every night for almost three weeks so I'm getting lonely. The kids are ok but they're kids and not really all that fun to talk to for long periods of time. I talk a lot on my favourite forum but it's out of commission for the moment.

I guess I could go weed the garden and mow the lawn. After that who knows; dishes, counters and washing the floors - Calgon take me away.