Friday, March 31, 2006

I went. I did an excellent job and I'm quite proud of myself. The wee one is exhausted and napping happily. She begged me to put her to bed; ain't that great! I did get soaked, and will need a very hot shower to shake the chill....and some chilli, or curry. Carrot free.

Laura Kinsale book #2 has arrived. Giddy!

I may not be around so much over the next two weeks, as it's school vacation. The Hubs is also taking the vacation, so say a prayer for me. I'm now counting down until Wednesday 19th of April. Nah, be positive Lyv - it's gonna be great!!
(please...where's the cake?!)

pout

It's pouring out. I can't go to the gym. Well, I could go, but I'd be soaked with squelching shoes and be quite a misery. I could wear my wellie boots up to the gym, but I think they'd rub a raw spot on my feet before the mile was up. I could wear one pair of sneaker up to the gym, wear a dry pair in the gym, and then the wet ones home - but I'll still end up with wet feet. I hate having wet feet.

Shortie isn't feeling too well, she's had two nights of interrupted sleep. I think she's too hot at night, she's got a bit of heat rash up her back...what's going to happen when summer hits? But, I think she's well enough for an hour and a half in the nursery. It would do her good to be distracted for that time. I should go up to the gym for her sake. So she can play.

But I'd still have to walk two miles in the rain.

It's times like this I wish I took drugs. NO no....no. I should be positive. It's just a bit of water falling out of the sky. Not the end of the world. I'm just a bit tired, too. I can do this. What's a wee walk in the rain? I'm not made of sugar, I won't melt.

I could put on an exercise DVD, instead. But, I know I won't. And Shortie won't let me work out in the living room; she turns into a cat and tries to wind herself up between my feet.

*sigh*

Motivation and inspirations are nothing without a backbone. OK, need a positive thought: A year ago I was nearly crippled with plantar fasciitis, and it's gone now. I suffered nearly 12 months of being able to walk by day, to hopping on one foot at night, and not being able to do any exercise that put pressure on my feet. Now I can do these things...and I am going to.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Ahhh...what's this?

"For my Lady's Heart" just arrived. Now just waiting on the other two Kinsale books to show.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

A review...

Well I finished the Sherrilyn Kenyon book, Night Embrace. It's pretty good! It was really funny in parts, the dialogue was brilliant, and I liked most of the characters. I've now realized this one is one of the latest in the "Dark-Hunter" series and there's about four or five books ahead of it, which kind of explains why I had moments of "I have no frigging clue what she's talking about, but I'll muddle on". There were entirely too many characters mentioned, but it seems they all have their own stories previous to this one - so this book is filled with cameos. I checked out her website - this woman is a machine - she's turning out like 4-5 novels per year! Where does she get the time or energy?!?! So f-word jealous.

I was a bit overwhelmed about half-way through because it seems Ms. Kenyon has turned New Orleans into a multi-species society. There's were-wolfs, were-bears, were-panthers, dark-hunters (who are good vampires), daimons (who are bad vampires), Greek Gods, Celtic Gods, Shamans and Altanteans. I'm surprised to find there are a few bog-standard humans running around, but they're called "cattle" because everyone's trying to eat them. My suspension of disbelief was seriously tested, and failed. Although I did read a review that warned me to leave my analytical mind behind, I had to lock it in the bedside table.

The sex scenes are FAB! Why can't sex be like that in real life? It's one of the reasons I went off romance novels - it's always better in the imagination, and men don't read these tomes to get sex tips, so women really are screwed. Beth has a brilliant rant about this...read her up.

I think there's a way too much leather, black and Harleys for my taste, but it fits the story. They all seem to be gigantic, like 6 foot 4 or taller, all rippling muscle and wearing leather...on their Harley. I do believe Ms. Kenyon got her character inspiration from watching World Wrestling Federation, and in particular - The UnderTaker. A lot of the machismo is pure WWF, although in my imagination, the acting is way better.

I liked it enough that I'm missing the book now I'm done, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the series. It is a bit of Buffy, a dash of Xena with a lot of hot sex scenes. It's a nice escape from reality, a good bit of candy. Entertaining, which is what a book should be, right? I mean, don't we read to be entertained? I think they should...but then why some folks are drawn to Fermat's Last Theorem (ZZZzzzzZZZzzzz) I just don't know, or Smilla's feeling for Snow...another book I was quite bored with. Both books my Husband loved, as did millions of other folks - so there you go. Just not my style of fun read.

I'd say go ahead and have a go at the Kenyons. Although, funny thing, when I called my local library to see if they had any more of her books, they said yes - in their Junior section. When I asked for the titles, I warned them these were quite sexy romance novels, perhaps not for the thirteen year olds, and not for the Junior section. They're looking into it. I'm now trying to scrounge up some pennies to buy a few more.

And my Kinsales haven't arrived yet...I'm getting cranky for my new books.

Monday, March 27, 2006

SBD, and Weekend Summary.

Being Monday, it's Smart Bitches Day - where women celebrate their smarts, and their love or frustration around the world of romance novels. Ah yes, I do like a romance novel; it's Girl-porn...but where you whisper the "porn" bit, and let's be honest, women who read romance novels make better lovers because we're reading about many new techniques. And the many ways on how to make trouble for ourselves and unfortunate heroes, but there's a bit of bad with all things good, right?

Now, I've maintained (har har - larf!) two blogs, this one and a writing one. I have seriously neglected the writing one in favor of this one, I mean, it had a layer of dust in it that someone wrote "I wish my wife was as dirty as this blog". It may have been my Husband. So I'm going to integrate them, I'll now talk about my writing struggles here, because just like every other aspect of my life, I cannot separate it out. It's mixed in and mingled, stuck on like tit-tape, and about as reliable. I'm steady in most of my life, but my writing is manic-depressive.

Reading is in the same boat - I'm either reading everything I can get my hands on, five books at once, or I give it all up and can't even stand to read traffic signs. I'm gearing up for a marathon romance novel session. From Amazon, I've purchased:

Johanna Lindsey, "A Loving Scoundrel" I've always liked a Lindsey novel.

Sherrilyn Kenyon, "Night Embrace", This will be a new thing for me, as I've not read a paranormal romance. (Well, ok of course I've read the "Outlander Series" but I stopped at number three because it was getting really dull and head-banging painful - I share Beth's feelings on that, and she's spent a lot of her spleen on expressing how bad it got, so go read her reviews.) It's got a cursed hero, and a vampire in there somewhere, I think. I figured since I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer, this could be ok. Also the author was mentioned on Sheila's blog, but I can't find the reference now. I think it was something about the author writing a blurb on one of her own books with her pseudonym - There's self-promotion for ya! But don't quote me, it's all hearsay and possible fibbing libel. (I always find it interesting how "hearsay" and "heresy" are close cousins.)(***Just found it, it was on the SBTN page, but Sheila's is so good, go visit her anyways. Here's the story.)

And THREE Laura Kinsale books(Now, she does look a bit like a prairie Muffin in those pictures, but she's not, really. At least I don't think she is...) "For my Lady's Heart", "Hidden Heart" , and "Shadow Heart"

Now, the Kinsales are going to be fun because I'm buying them on the raves of Beth, who not only loves Kinsale, but has somewhat befriended her, as Laura has a blog, and has commented on Beth's. How cool is that? I have yet to hear about JKRowling commenting on anyone's blog to say thanks for the praise. (BTW - I love you JKRowling and think it's really sad that Nicholson cafe is now an "all you can eat" Chinese buffet. Who can write in a Starbucks - for one thing they all seem to have some student running the music, and it's the "World music in Percussion" cd that's on. *wink* I'll meet you at the Metropole one day for a latte, let the kids chew on the gameboards and just have a good ole' gossip. Call me!") and she even commented on the dusty writing blog of mine once upon a time - she's quite a bit o'awright and I'm looking forward to Evan the adorable Postman to drop those through the letterbox.

Why the romance novel cramming? Well, It's Spring isn't it - that's a time for randy fun stuff... and just b'cuz I wanna, K? Pick one up yourself and enjoy.

So, the weekend Summary will be short. It was Mother's Day this weekend in the UK, so Saturday was spent visiting Great-Grandma, and Grandma. We did some shopping and bought clothes for these kids who just won't stop growing. Sassy's now at the point where she hates clothes and shoe shopping. Well, that'll be great for the wallet when she hits the teen years, We shall encourage a dislike in clothes in shoe shopping. Sassy may grow up to look like a cleaning lady but....oh hell I can't let her do that to herself...Here, this one's at least cute. The only downer was that we got to ring in the Mothering Sunday cleaning up copious amounts of vomit that Shortie painted all over her bedroom and the bathroom (yes, the Hubs carried her into the bathroom, positioned her over the toilet and forgot to lift the seat. It was chicken and pickles everywhere.) She's fine now.

I got a lovely homemade card, a wee Japanese wooden doll, and a couple of satin flowers. I got some peace to color my hair - it's now plum-black, with bright pink highlights at the front. It looks really cool, but I'm going to re-do the pink so it's a bit brighter. The only downer, is that I now have purple sweat. I'm going to claim it as a fashion triumph - Come on, how cool am I? Well I sweat in rainbow colors, baby. It's not lame not even one lil bit. I'll be ok at the gym...honest. Lilac perspiration - you'll wish you did too.

We went up to visit our friends and had a FABulous Sunday. We had big lunch out in St. Andrews, I had nachos with chili. Then we all went to the beach and flew kites until the rain sent us away. The kids ate lots of sand, Sassy poked at clams that had their huge tongues out, spitting water at her. Who needs the gym - all you need is good wind and a power kite! Our delightful friends plied us with lots of fresh cream cakes, and we bought ice cream and cones - so it was a dairy, fat and sugar feast. I ate so much diary yesterday - like 6 months worth in one day. It was glorious, we had so much fun. I'm behaving today though.

Our friends invited us over for a family sleep over! Where the kids can all sleep in the bunk beds, cuddled up and giggling like goobers, we get the spare bedroom; and it's all popcorn, movies and fun! Although Leslie said it would be "...snacks and adult movies!" we had a half second of mental digestion before we broke we allout in giggles.

Mostly good times, with a bit of vomit for clarity. How was your weekend?

Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Ultimate Showdown.

This is my new favourite song. I'm commited to learning all the words...and shall hum and repeat for a whole week entire.

The Ultimate Showdown

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

WooHooo!!!

Shortie just did her first poo on the potty!!! She's a genius! Not even two and she's right there, head trembling to produce something that will bring her glory and honor from her entire family.

We are so proud.

what do you mean you don't want to see a picture?

Monday, March 20, 2006

Can you feel it?

I am royally pissed off. Fed right the fuck up with all this family bullshit. It bores into my head and twists me up so badly I'm left looking backwards at the way forwards.

Sassy is being a pain again. She's in trouble at school and earns herself a grounding far too often for it to mean anything anymore. I actually thinks she prefers to be grounded, that way she doesn't have to go out and do anything. She's very insecure, very needy and when she does choose to throw a tantrum I ignore her, put her in time-outs or something. I don't give in to her demands, and I don't bargain or compromise anymore. I'm trying hard to show her that what I say goes, because I'm the boss, grown-up and power to be obeyed. Therefore I don't have to do the other things. Why argue - I'm the boss. I made a decision to not spank anymore - spanking does not work, ever...okay, if they're sticking their tongues in the electric sockets then a spank is in order, but the rest of the time: no way! Husband disagrees. So here comes a great big problem, and guess who is left trying to fix it all.

Sassy kicked off yesterday morning because she didn't want to get dressed and come with us to the shops. We were going, and she seemed determined to take a slow and long a time as possible. I'm stressed already because I know hubs will shout and carry on if she has a tantrum. I'm trying to get her ready - Shhhh just be good, shhhh - I am stripping her and dressing her myself. What does Hubs do to try and speed things along? He stomps upstairs shouts a bunch of noise, spanks her once on the bum and storms off again. He's lost control. Sassy freaks out.

How is she left feeling? Well let's see, she's mad about being hit, she's mad about being made to get dressed, she's humiliated, she feels she can't trust her parents and she feels unloved and like no one cares about her. Nice one Dad. I get to go in and play nice cop, but nothing doing, we are both the enemy and there's no point. But can I argue with Hubs about his foolish behavior? No - we don't talk about that stuff in front of the kids. I have to wait several hours later to tell him I don't want him to hit the kids. We aren't going to be parents who hit their kids.

I must not have made myself very clear, because this morning Sassy has a tantrum about breakfast (she always wants something other than what I've prepared and I will not make a special breakfast for her. She eats what we eat or she goes hungry, her choice), and while I'm ignoring her Hubs thuds his feet downstairs leans over her, points a finger in her face and threatens to spank her again if she doesn't eat the breakfast. I'm sure he felt real smug and proud when she went over to the table and pouted at her bowl. But then he leaves for work and she picks right up where we left off before his cro-magnon interruption. HE doesn't seem to fucking get it - he's not intimidating. She's afraid of being hit, not afraid of him. And why would he fucking want her to be?!?! Why be that kind of dad who makes his kids fear him? How can you trust, love and respect someone who you're never quite sure may haul off and smack you one? He's a fucking idiot.

He just doesn't GET IT! He doesn't read parenting books - we have plenty. He won't watch parenting television shows and try and pick up some advice there. He just pulls the same bullshit, makes the same mistakes that his parents made. Like a fucking robot. Thick headed, stupid and ignorant.

Of course, since Sassy is upset and acting up, Shortie has to pip in too. She was wonderful and ate all of her cereal, and has been a real sweetie - she usually is. But if big sis cries, so does she, if big sis screams, so does she etc.

So here I am, walking up to school with two miserable kids, one who keeps saying she hates me, hates her daddy and wants to live with her friend Emma, and the other moaning and whinging away like a squeaky wheel. And I have to take it, keep calm, talk sense and try and salvage Sassy's mood so she's not left a sad-sack for the whole day at school. Tell her I love her, tell her she needs to behave, reassure her. She's an anxious kid, most of her tantrums at school are down to performance anxiety and panic. Great way to send an anxious kid off to school, hovering over her menacingly and bullying her into compliance. Hell, why didn't I think of that - that's a great way to make her excited to go to school.

I'm so pissed off about the whole thing - this ruined my whole Sunday. I tried to talk to him about it, but he looked tired - oh can't talk about things when he's tired. He's grumpy, oh can't talk to him when he's grumpy. I can't fucking believe I ended up marrying someone just like my own dad. I was desperate to find someone completely NOT like my Dad. I'm cursed by assholes. Of course, when I do talk about stuff, it's like "Why are you attacking me? You've never said anything before! How am I supposed to know the rules changed?!" well, perhaps if you stop avoiding everyone and sending out the "Fuck off" signals - you may just get a clue once in a while. I sent him and IM earlier - he's not replied so I'm guessing that went over well. I'll probably get the shit for typing this - since he gave out my blog address to some of his work mates, wouldn't want them to know there's troubles at home now would we.

As much as I anted to have my fast today, I got to about half twelve when the hunger was pissing me off and I had a sandwich. Can I focus on tidy up? Can I enjoy anything? No. I haven't been able to write for weeks - my head just feels like it's full of marshmallow and I could eat rocks. I'm getting to that level of frustration where I just want to hurt myself - bang my head, smash plates, break things - everyone else gets to have a hissy fit - why the fuck not.

Oh yeah - I'm the only adult here. I'm sure it'll go away soon enough, but really, I just want to shout. It's been six hours and I'm still fuming.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Lookie Lookie!!

Look what I found on the beach recently. It's a Thing!! I'm not sure if it's a fossil, or just a lump of coral. We don't have reefs here, so if it is coral it's come a long way. Or it really is a fossil from when the UK was tropical - you know from way back when dinosaurs were here.

It certainly looks like old bone, all full of holes and pores. I found it while looking for gray and white stones to pilfer for my garden (it's against the law to take stones from the beaches, but I'm not taking them far you see.)

Sassy's taken it to school from show-and-tell, but the teacher didn't know. I plan on bringing it to the University, but haven't been able to make an appointment. So do any of you know what it is?

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pict1172

I have a thing about rocks, I'm always looking for the perfect one. I have kept this one for many years, I found it on a beach (that no longer exists, as it fell into the sea shortly after I visited. Califonia is scary.) near San Francisco when I was there for my brother's wedding. It's completely gray, except for the perfect heart on the top of it. It's my all time favourite. I always think of the song "I left my heart in San Francisco" with a wicked grin, and think "I've got it now."
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Monday, March 13, 2006

The bottom line...higher than before.

I'm humbled by the calls of friends here wondering where I've been. Nothing to fear, I am doing very well. I've just made some changes in my life. I'm not blogging as much, because I'm not at home as much.

I took a long look at myself, my lifestyle and relationships and made some big changes. I've mentioned the fears about my health, the family history behind them, and on January 23rd, I began to take care of it. I'm in the gym three days a week, I'm meeting up with friends for coffee a few mornings a week and I've been on a very strict diet. Soon I won't feel like this anymore. I put Shortie in the daycare a few hours a week and it's done wonders for her to play with other kids, and be away from me for a little while. She's changing so much, that a change was important for her too.

I've managed to lose twenty pounds so far and I have a lot more to shift. I have a very tricky body; it can store fat in such a way that people never think I'm really fat. I may look chubby, but I'm somewhat tall, with a large frame - it's been very easy to ignore the weight gain. Folks never believe me when I tell them my real weight, folks always looked shocked and concerned when I tell them how much weight I want to lose. The thing is, I think it's been easy for some folks to have me be big - makes me less of a threat, keeps me insecure, keeps me from being more visible because of the shame.

I started putting on the weight when I emigrated - I was very depressed and homesick for a few years, then I was pregnant, then I was exhausted from working full-time and being a Mum, then I was pregnant again...that's in summary anyways. So now...I'm no longer homesick, I'm not going to be pregnant anymore - I'm out of excuses.

I'm doing loads of aerobic activity - I walk everywhere (always have done, but now I make sure to go up the big hills and not walk around them) I aim for 400 calories burned per gym session, weightlifting and bouncing on my trampoline - with the super-but-ugly bra and not giving a shit if I'm sweaty and red as a beetroot - I'm having to tell myself often to just fucking do it, and find the fun.

Several weeks on, I'm finding the fun. I annoy folks in the gym. In the beginning, I think they thought I was "special" because I would bounce, tap my hands and mumble to myself and dance about while using the bike or treadmill. It's the only way I can find it fun - it's desperately boring otherwise. I have music in my head, and I bee-bop about forcing myself to have fun. I get lots of looks, a few stares but now they're getting used to me, I think. A couple of the regulars (the gym freaks - they pound the shit out the machines and eat nothing but poached chicken and raw veg) have started talking to me, even being nice to me. Acceptance?

Dietwise, well It's been interesting. I fast on a Monday, fluids only - I do this to give my digestion a break, let it clear out and it helps to make everything all work more efficiently. Tuesday is fresh fruit and veg all day, as much as I want - I've found I like lots of veggies I've not bothered with before, like butternut squash, fennel, celery and I eat tons of beetroot and fruit smoothies. Wednesday I have a fruit smoothie for breakfast, fish or chicken with veg for lunch and the same again for dinner. From Thursday to Saturday I eat whatever I want but keep my calories between 1000-1500, so that means if I want chocolate, or cake I can have it.

I have to completely cut out some foods, because they make me go nuts and have mad cravings. These are mostly porkie foods; bacon, sausages and ham. Breakfast cereal makes me crave sweets, so I've cut way back on that too. I log all my foods on Fitday and it helps keep me focused and encourages me to say "no" more often.

I didn't want to blog about this stuff - I figured it was boring and made me look lame. Isn't there shame associated with admitting you've not been in control for a long time? I ate a lot of junk food, cake and sweets as a way to treat myself - even more so I'm not in work. I don't get the "Good job" "Well done" "Excellent work" encouragements I like to receive. I feel unappreciated a lot of the time. No one cares how well I wash dishes, or fold laundry - they often care if I cook a nice meal, but it's not the same as table service, and finding a fiver on the table as a tip would be joyous, but I have yet to find one tucked under a plate. So, I treat myself, tell me I've done well and eat lovely wee cakes, well, not anymore I don't. Now when I want a treat, I tell someone I love them, and hearing "I love you too" is sweet enough.

The day will come when I can look down and see the scale reading 130lbs, and I'll be happy. And healthy too, let's not forget that. But I do have some ways to go now...and anxiety follows me at every step. I may need to blog more on Mondays, especially rainy, crappy one's like today when I can't get out and the kitchen is close by.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

What do you think??

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I was leafing through the local free-papers on Friday, when this very curious advertisement caught my attention. I was quite shocked and amused at first; I wonder what exactly the message is? Is it that if you ignore Jesus you'll get your head kicked in? Is it a bit more "other-worldly" ominous where ignoring Jesus will cause you to have an accident?

What about those of us who haven't really heard Jesus lately, or weren't around when he came knocking on the front door. If I was walking down a busy street, preoccupied in thought and accidentally ignored him will I too be cursed to a black eye and broken arm?

The more I thought about this, the angrier I got. What message goes out to other religions? Are they ignoring Jesus by practicing their own beliefs? Will they be subjected to violence for their actions? The message is very suggestive. I can't decide if it's on the annoyance scale of a spam chain letter "Send this to five people immediately or something terrible will happen to you in the next 24 hours" or does this run deeper, and far more sinister? As I type this, my fingers are twitching to phone the Fellowship and ask whoever's in charge what their thinking is behind it.

I tend not to be a religious sort. I like the freedom to create my own rituals, and path to closeness with God. And I keep my beliefs to myself, and judge no one else on theirs - unless they're clubbing kittens or something nasty like that. Does anyone else think this is equally objectionable - the overt threat of physical violence for ignoring Jesus?

Sadly, every time I try and phone them up it's busy. I wonder if they've taken the phone off the hook?