I'm grumpy. A bit hacked off and annoyed because it's my own fault I'm grumpy and I can't do anything to fix it anymore. I've waited too long and the time limit has expired. I should've complained, spoken up or mentioned doubts ages ago but no, I stewed. I waited to see if I'd change my mind but I haven't and now I have to live with an unsatisfactory decision of indecision.
One thing is, I'm not going to have an "expected" present this year for Christmas. Usually I get asked what I'd like, and then I get it. No surprises, no disappointment. Don't think for a minute I don't have guilt about feeling this way, because it's not the spirit of the holiday and I should be happy with anything, right? But like PBW shows, and many agree, some present really do become a burden. This year, all I've really wanted was some money to get new clothes, because I'm wearing a wardrobe that's too big for me now.
So when back in October, Husband says "Why don't we pull our Christmas money together and get ourselves a Nintendo DS with a few games!" I was a bit, no fucking way, and a bit gee look how excited he is about this, I should just give in and let him be happy. It's 'crismiss right? So I did. This means I have to fork over my holiday cash for this DS. I don't think I'll even play with it, I'm not interested in these really, not handheld games. I play on the gamecube a few times a week but it's not something I get to enjoy because I'm always interrupted.
So, I've been buying myself presents. Not always the best idea, but there it is. And I've already opened them. Of course. I bought both Amy Winehouse CDs, a new non-stick titanium Peking wok, a book and new gymwear. It's just, not, exciting.
What I'd like is to be surprised with a wonderful present. Something that really shows I'm loved, appreciated and understood. A present that I didn't even know I'd love. Something I didn't expect to be the perfect gift. And maybe the DS will be that, but I'm not making any wagers. An actual surprise would be nice.
See, I had planned on getting this rather expensive, perfect present for Hubs. But he's really upset me recently and I've not bought it. I think he's been too naughty to get the big present. I've been pouting and giving the cold shoulder, but he's just waiting out my huff until it dissipates. He's not even apologized. Here's what he did...
Last Friday Sassy-Face was in her room playing with Gomez, it was 8:25 and I called up to her to say she needed to brush her hair before going to school "Fuck OFF!" I get as a response. She got an earfull, grounded for a week and told if she ever says that to me again she'll get a mouthful of Tabasco sauce. (She says she wasn't saying to me, but because she was mad she couldn't keep playing, either way, not good) I phone Hubs at work and told him what she'd done and he's upset. When he comes home at night he gives her a masterful guilt trip that leaves her in tears. Properly chastised, united front from the parents. He and I talk about how we'll have watch what we say from now on, lead by example...
Saturday mornings are busy. I have an hour to wake the girls, get them breakfasted, dressed and ready to go out for swimming lessons. It always seems no matter how much I prepare, we never get ready in time. Hubs will usually lie in bed while I'm racing about, agitated and shouting at the kids and it pisses me off. I've worked until midnight, gone to bed at one in the morning and up at seven again and I hate that he stays in bed until almost quarter to eight, and then hogs the bathroom when the rest of us are needing to brush our teeth, getting huffy that we're bullying his toilet time. So, last week it was mayhem, we were to leave in five minutes and I didn't have a snackbox packed or drinks made up and was still getting everything together with kids shouting and fighting, and he starts yelling at the kids for being unruly. I shouted back at him that if he got up earlier he'd be a better help than just shouting at the kids. "Stop nagging me and just fuck off!"
It took a lot of control not to kill him right there on the spot. Completely undermined not only me but himself and his wonderful speech the night before. He showed his kids he's just full of shit and that I'm not worthy of any respect. Icy is what he's received ever since. I'm not talking to him if I can help it, I'm not initiating affection, forget it. He's not getting the nice present either. He's beyond grounded. Still no apology, either. He's such an ass.
Then there's the thing about me having a sore back for a while because the mattress is old and not as supportive as it used to be. I complained about eight months ago but Hubs said a new mattress was too expensive right now and we'll suffer it , besides he doesn't have any back trouble. So I spent months doing loads of extra abdominal exercises to build up core strength, because I thought it was just me. He recently gets a sore back for a couple weeks and Lo, we have a new mattress. Although I'm happy to have a new mattress, I still feel like punching him.
So...yeah. I'm grumpy.