Tuesday, October 31, 2006


ACK! NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow!!! I'm not ready, I...I'm not sure I'll be able...I just. WAH!!

I mean, I've just started a night job. My mother is coming for two weeks. I could commit to one hour of writing on those days, for those two weeks, couldn't I? I'm not sure what story to write either - is it ok to wing it on a nanowrimo story? I know it doesn't have to be good, coherent or even in order, just finished in some manner and have 50,000 words. I'm sure I could babble out a story of 50k words in a month. Really, so long as I don't spellcheck it, or re-read any of it, in fact: I should type and not even look up at the screen. Just focus and keep my eyes glued to the keyboard in some sort of hypnotic trance.

Speaking of which, I'm looking into getting some hypnotherapy for the anxiety. More to the point, to help me get control of the munchies and nail biting. It'll cost £240 over four sessions, but the guy I'm interested in seeing has a rather high success rate. I'm still considering.

Now...writing. Writing begins tonight at midnight. tonight. tomorrow. And it's Halloween so I have to take the kids trick-or-treating. It's annoying here, the people make the kids sing songs and earn their sweets, not like home where folks just chuck a handful into your pillowcase and close the door in your face again. This year Sassy is Peter Pan, and Shorty is a pink fluffy fairy. Tomboy and girlie-girl.

I'm still not sure where my Mom is going to sleep while she's here, it's causing me much stress. She can either sleep in the bedroom with the girls, which means she'll be woken up by Shorty crying in the night because she still has that aannoyinghabit. Or she can sleep down in the living room, but that means I'll have to wake her up every morning at seven. I have a small house. It's only a problem at times like this. You know, what I could do is have Shorty sleep on her mattress my room, Sassy sleep on the bottom bunk in her room and Mom could share with Sassy, who is brilliant and once she falls asleep she's out for the night...that may work. I'll only have to move some furniture into our garage for the two weeks to make room for the inflatable bed. that sounds like the best option....thanks for listening. Talking this out has actually helped a little.

Now, I need to come up with menus for the whole two weeks or my head will explode with uncertainty and my wallet will diminish faster than...than...this lame ass comparison

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Daffy Duck: Duck Amuck

This is me. This is what life seems to throw at me. I keep my chin up, but then something kicks out again. I soldier on. I only wish. desperately wish, I could spaz out like Daffy. Who is my artist, and can they have me win the lottery and live a happily ever after on Friday? Please?

Argy blargy

I never seem able to write about anything these days. I'm just so tired, but then I keep myself really busy because who wants to sleep when there's all this life to be living?? I mean really, I'm not a huge fan of sleep, it's a necessary evil. I do it simply because I have to but really I would do much better in life if I could find a way to get through the days without sleep.

I read once about a trial that was trying to prove that you could train the body to have twenty minutes of sleep every four hours, instead of taking a full eight hours (yeah right) straight. I keep thinking, hell I could do that! Every four hours just nod off and have a wee nap. Brilliant! Evidently it's what these sailors who take around-the-world solo voyages do, because if they sleep for any longer they could get pulled off course or killed. (Ellen MacArthur is an amazing woman, a modern day heroine. An inspiration. Plus she's a fucking amazing driver.)

I'm doing well at the gym, but it's now got a downside: I'm now getting fit enough that I'm burning fewer calories per workout. So unfair! I would burn around 1000-1300 calories per two hour workout and that was just awesome, I mean such a huge ego trip. But now my fitness has improved, since I began running, that the same workouts are only burning around 850-1000 calories. How can that be fair? On a regular run, which is now two and a half miles, my heart rate will average around 150-164 BPM depending on the hill I'm going up or down, where it used to be 165-175. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm fucking amazed at how quickly my body has improved in stamina and, uhm...I dunno what you call it. It's all just becoming much easier now. But, not burning the calories I was before, really is a kick in the gut. But, it's 100% true that working the pectorals and lats will give the breasts a surgury free lift. It's great!

I'm still having my struggles with anxiety, but I'm getting some good advice from my counselor. I only see her every few weeks, and in fact I'm not seeing her for another two months. My new challenge is to try and stop my irrational daydreams. One of the things that causes me a huge strain, and is very annoying is I get trapped in rather morbid scenarios. I've done this since I was a very little kid. I think about someone I love (as a kid it was my mom) has died, and I play out what my life would be like dealing with the grief and change. I will play out these thoughts until I'm reduced to tears. Now-a-days it's what would happen if the kids died, Husband died, or if I died and they were left without me. It's awful, but I've told myself that it's better to be mentally prepared for these worst case scenarios than be taken by surprise. however, they pop into my head without warning, and until it was suggested, i didn't stop them.

Now, I'm supposed to stop them before they get too far, because while I'm having these thoughts, my body is pumping out stress hormones and making anxiety. I'm supposed to challenge the thoughts, be my own devil's advocate, pretend to be a defense lawyer and attack, rip apart and destroy the fantasy in favor of the truth. so far it's been working, it's hard, but it's working. If anything, I'm forced to realise that I was having sometimes two-three of these scenarios per day. How fucking crazy is that? ugh, just so icky. But, evidently, one of the top symptoms and behaviours of highly anxious people. So does that make me normal, or just normal for a freaky person?

It seems that my ability to be silly, weird and playful has been the number one thing to keep me from having a depressive episode all these years. Who'd have thought, being crazy keeps me sane.

Getting ready for nanowrimo. Mother is coming to stay for two weeks. Sassy was puking her guts out yesterday, but is eating again and Shorty is keeping me awake most nights, but we're working on it. OH, I just started a night job too. Nothing big, just stocking shelves at the local grocery store for graveyard shift. I like getting away from the family, doing lifting work, making new friends and not having to bring my work home with me. I'll make a little bit of extra Christmas money and get the credit card payed off by Easter. I'm counting it as a five hour extra workout, three days a week.

Oh fuck, where's the coffee, I really need some coffee. I've typed this with two kids screaming (Sassy is still of school vacation and Husband has taken a week off work), crying and carrying on and yet they've still not dressed and brushed their teeth because fighting is taking up so much of their time. Husband is bellowing commands up the stairs as opposed to getting out of his chair to sort the problem but all the while telling me "Just sit and finish what your doing.". There's the occasional hysterical two year old wiping snot down my thigh and the guilt that I'm typing while all this fucking mayhem is raging around me. and I'm feeling guilty about all of it? Is it any wonder I have anxiety? You'll just have to sort out the spell checks yourselves, I need to dislodge the rocks that have grown into the back of my neck.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Oh this is so fun!!!

An awesome, sexy pal of mine DLA put me on to this site. If you have need of an ego boost then go and give it a try.

Change the picture and you get a whole 'nother group of celebrities. Even other sex ones. Creepy. Oddly enough, no Molly Ringwald, so maybe I've been mistaken? Let me know if you take this I'd love to see who you all look like.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

A daily conversation in my head...

I need a pee, I need a pee keep holding, keep holding. At the front door, get Shorty out and in the house. put the pushchair in the garage, holdonholdon. Hold. On. Squeeze....squeeze. Not going to wet yourself, that would be huge-bad. Need a peeEEEEeeeee....Shut up, shush, stop thinking about it. Yay, made it to the loo, no leaky wees, Hooray! Now have to untie gympants, and...no...NOnono! A fucking knot! dammit, why do I bite my nails, I can never get knots out... squeeze, squeeze...need scissors? Oh fuck. Wait, got it. Squeeze a little longer, drop pants....and....There! Now. Wee a little bit and then SQUEEZE, hold it no dribbles NO DRIBBLES, Hold it for: three four five and relax. Ahhh. Whew.

I think most women who've had natural childbirth will have this conversation in their heads at some point in any given week. We should all understand the lasting impressions we leave on our mothers and should appreciate them more everyday.

We bought a cheesecake at Costco yesterday. It's. Pure. Evil. And it's in the fridge right now, being all nice and sweet and, and...nice. But I know it's evil. I know it's bad bad bad to the core of it's creamy middle and crumbed bottom. And yet, I'm yearning for some cherry pie filling to slather all over the top it. Help me!!!

I've taken a few days off from the gym and I feel much better for it. I'm struggling with sore hip flexors though, and I'll need to look into some kind of stretches to help them out, it seems to be the road running that's causing it.

I ordered up the orange Saucony Propel sneakers from Zappos and shipped them to my Mom, who'll bring them over with her when she visits in November.

For the past three weekends I've been the Super Hair Stylist. I've groomed both of my Mother-in-law's cocker spaniels, and given both my nephews haircuts too. Oh yes, I'm darned savvy with a clipper, comb and scissors. Boys are much easier, for some reason a #3 back and sides with tidy on the top is much easier than sorting out bangs on my two year old. I'll let the professionals sort that out. Or perhaps it's because they are my children and they act up for me, whereas they are perfect little angels in the chair for the stylist. They're just little girls, but already, they know and appreciate the glamour of the salon. Bless them.

MMmmmm I'm soooo delicious. Shut up cheesecake. Just shut up. It's only 9:30 in the morning. I'm not eating any of you. Not for breakfast. No no no. I must get out. will go for a run. jog. yes. That'll work up a good appetite for some cheesecake. Shut up cheesecake.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Mental Hibernation

I have been in retreat. just taking a step back from everything and keeping my life as simple as possible. I find, occasionally, things get to be too much, I overstretch my responsibilities and then I need to withdraw and take stock of myself. I've been kind of hibernating for a few weeks and just closing my mind off to the outside world. I stopped posting, stopped writing, stopped watching TV and just settled into the Harry Potter books for entertainment.

This seems to strike me around this time of of year, and in fact I had an almost depressive episode last November. To avoid it happening again I've been taking anxiety management classes. Evidently I have a lot of bad habits. I've also had anxiety issues since I was a pre-teen. I get very caught up in a whole lot of things and then I have to cut back and take a few breaths. It's one of the reasons I've never recommended myself as a very good friend; I go through phases of being the best friend and then having to back off and I know it leaves the other person feeling very confused and sometimes hurt. I can't bear the feelings of disappointment. Anyways...

I'm going to take part in NaNoWriMo this year and I've been doing a few chapter outlines and character sketches. I wanted to take part last year but had forgotten until a week into November so thought cramming for nanowrimo would be just a foolish venture.

I'm still doing well at the gym, and I'm in there four days a week, and for two other days I jog around my town for about two miles. I'm trying to find longer safe routes and I'm really enjoying running outside, it makes a huge difference to the tedium of the treadmill. I'm starting to get a nice four-pack on the upper abs, but the lower ones will take longer - I still have the Mummy-Tummy to shed. Annoyingly, my weight has remained the same for five weeks, but my body is still shrinking, so I've stopped weighing and just use the tape measure instead. Ok that's a lie, I still weigh, but as it never tells me anything I want to hear I just have a very hateful relationship towards it. Further explaination to follow...

Currently struggling with a cold and opportunistic candida. I've got a lowered immune system, so my body is rebelling against me a bit. I'll need to eat better, I've been a bit naughty and eating bread when I'm not supposed to. And sweets. Yes, I've pretty much thrown the diet out the window and slipped into bad comfort food habits. I've got control again but I know these things aggravate my digestion and it's now making me ill. So unfair. what's the point of a nice cup of tea if there's no cookie to dunk in it? Trust me, dunking bananas into your tea just inst the same. Actually it's quite icky.

So there you go, that's the sum of me for now. I'm taking the rest of the week off from the gym to give my body time to rest and heal. I find it impossible to have a decent workout if I've got a cold anyways, my body will refuse to get its heart rate up to a decent level regardless of what I do and it's just frustrating. So I'll take Shorty up to play in the creche, and I'll sit and read The Half-Blood Prince. I shall live on chicken soup and carrot sticks, celery and cherry tomatoes, salad and smoked mackerel. I'll have to be good from now on, because this body gets right stroppy if I put garbage in it now.

I'm also completely unable to finish anything I start, as this has been sitting on my desktop for two hours before I remembered to spellcheck and post. ah well. shrug.