Saturday, August 26, 2006

Imperfection

Doug Said: "I hate reading your workout details. It becomes so evident you could kick my ass around the block. Happy to see you back, though ;) "

Aw Doug, you're a sweetheart. But that's what seven months of hard work, and the development of a slight exercise obsession, has brought me. In the beginning I was doing three days a week and could barely ride the bike for ten minutes, would get scared of the elliptical after three and couldn't fill 45 minutes with enough exercise to make the time feel worth while.

I started very slowly, very nervously. I thought I was too fat to be in the gym. I'm too out of shape and people will laugh at me. Thankfully, I realized after a few weeks that I'm not the center of the world and no one really noticed me at all. I found that the gym isn't full of perfection, but of other people trying to overcome their short comings.

Dedication? No, sorry - It's fear. I have a pair of jeans that I bought a few years ago, but never really got to wear because they were tight, then I was pregnant, then I was trying to lose the pregnancy weight, then I gave up trying and soon found myself in January completely unable to even zip those jeans up. Today those jeans are far too big. I like those jeans baggy, saggy and able to be pulled down without undoing the button. I go to the gym because I have to push myself, I have to improve myself, I have become healthy and better. I feel like I have to live my life in an entirely different way than anyone else in my Dad's family - the whole lot of them are a bloodline of illness, misery and early death. It's full of diabetes, heart disease, cancer and loss of teeth in early adulthood (for which I'm really scared!) I'm too young at heart to have an old fat arse!!

My kids deserve a Mom who wants to run about and play with them. They deserve a Mom who CAN run about and play with them. I don't want to be so tired from a day of boring ole housework that all I can do is sip tea and watch TV. I don't want to be angry and grouchy because I'm TIRED all the time.

I saw myself becoming that person. I was that person 7 months ago and she scared me. She disgusted me. I run away from her now. There's a picture of my huge fat bum in those jeans in my wallet now and I make myself look at it. I don't want that ever again. I get edgy and upset if I can't get to the gym, if I have to miss it I plan extra workouts later - this is my obsession now. Not extreme food restriction, fasting or fad diets. It's the exercise. Pushing myself all the time. I weightlift until it hurts - because I feel better with the muscles sore. Does that sound like self-injury?? Maybe. I am in pain for most of the week, but it feels like achievement to me. I like the ache because it means I did it right. You don't hear about this aspect of bodybuilding - that you choose to live with a certain amount of discomfort. The phrase No pain no gain never really made sense before - but it does now.

I still don't know if I should tell the whole truth about my stats. Should I post the humongous ass picture with a current big ass picture? I have a long way to go - of this I do not delude myself. I figure I have another 12 months before I reach my goal weight. Weight is coming off slowly - 35 pounds in 7 months. That'll be due to years of ignorant eating and yo-yo diets, so I have a dead slow metabolism now. But every day will bring me closer to my goals. Focus on the health and not the numbers(I only weigh myself monthly now). Look at all the positives.

The thing I'm proud of myself for recently: I finally jogged my two miles nonstop. On Friday. I nearly cried when I saw the numbers turn 2.00. Next goal will be 2.5 miles, but I'll bask in the glow of the two mile rush for a while - it took me over a month just to get myself from 1.5 - 2.00 so I have to accept that progress is slow for me. Everything is a challenge and I'm game to meet each one. Plus being silly in the gym is still the main motivator; yes I did throw my arms in the air and "WooHoo" loudly when I hit my two mile goal. It's how I do this fitness thing.

4 comments:

SafeTinspector said...

Congrats on your progress!
As someone who went through a similar weightloss some years ago, I empathize.
The slow going SHOULD be slow. Lose it too fast and it probably isn't healthy.

The hardest part, however, comes at the end of the journey when you realize you have to KEEP GOING just to stay where you've gotten to. I failed, and have almost gained all my weight back.
:(

Bananna said...

Just wanted to say hi, I havn't been around for awhile!!
So...

Hi.

Maja said...

I admire your strength and determination, Lyvvie.. and I love hearing anything about you!

chryscat said...

Lyvvie...I think you're bloody brilliant. And I admire you.
I need to get my fat arse out and about.
Hugs*