I was hanging out my laundry this morning, listening to thunder rolling far off somewhere. We don't get thunder and lightning here very often, maybe one small kabang a year. Nothing like the displays I got back home. But this time, hearing thunder while hanging the laundry on the whirly-jig, brought back some feelings of foreboding.
I had a rough night, no sleep again and Shortie was whining every half an hour, for no particular reason. I've had about three hours of sleep each night for the past two weeks and it's really getting to me now. I was so frustrated last night I had a tantrum and ended up banging my head on the wall about ten times. I got that upset I couldn't think of anything else to do.
I lay in bed and I want to sleep, but I'm so tuned into everything around me I can't relax. It's like in the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers where the alien things send out these feelers and link to other people. For me, I link to: the kids and listen to them breathing - anticipating a cry for my attention, the husband and his clicking on the keyboard, the neighbors and their coughing and muffled TV, the crows cawing to each other in the woods, the surf on the beach, the seagulls, the trains going over the Forth Rail Bridge and the hum of the cars on the road bridge, the ships horns as they pass under the bridges, the airplanes taking off and occasionally flying overhead, the wind...it's so noisy and yet, to be completely honest it's the most peaceful place I've ever lived. I try and shut off and ignore those things, try meditation but it's not working right now. Even using earplugs wouldn't help because then I'd focus on the muffled rubbing of my ear against the pillow and my heartbeat and breathing and...I need sensory deprivation for a while.
With all of that going on, I sometimes (but rarely) bang my head on the wall. It stops the feelers from going out and they just kind of go "ow, that hurts" and I can relax a bit. Take an advil. The throb on my frontal lobe is kind of soothing. I woke up this morning with my vision a bit blurred in my right eye and a stiff neck, but it was fine a couple hours later. I know I have a problem, I'm seeing the Dr. this week.
Oh, and the gremlins have begun. Although not where I thought. They first took out windows on the PC with those spyware fucking things taking out some other security program...Hubs understands it, I don't. We're not too bothered really, as we only use windows for playing games because it's so damned unreliable and...well shit. We are Unix people, and proud. But what a bummer we can't play our games now! It's not so bad, we still have the Gamecube. The second one hit last night and broke our set-top box so we have to buy a new one. Set-top box is like basic cable. We do have a satellite but it has so much crap on it, we can't be bothered clicking through fifty channels to find the one we want. It'll hold us over until we can find a new STB.
I'm giving the gym a pass today. I have hopes of a nap later.