Wednesday, July 26, 2006

or this...

And now Shortie has just covered her head and body in half a tube of KY Jelly.

don't read this

Still can't sleep. Still tired. Still hot, humid and sweaty. Still have to entertain kids. Hurt my underarm waxing today and they still sting 10 hours later. I'm not liking my book. I just feel crummy and grumpy and sour.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Smart Bitches Day

I've not too much to say, but I have one really big rant. I'm not a fan of retrospective stories. I don't mind a story that takes place in the past, but one that takes place in the future, is told in real time in the past and has huge spoilers before even the first half of the story is shit! Flashbacks where we see the jovial fun loving character doing amazing things only to be told that they died tragically before even getting to how their character is important to the story is lame. It's like telling the punch line of a joke and making me wait for the set up three hours later - it's not funny anymore. It's not fun to read either.

One of these stories is, and here I go slagging off a classic, The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie . For all it's only a couple hundred pages, and takes place in my beloved Edinburgh, I can't get past page fifty because she's already told me some of the students who I really like are dead. Why should I bother to read on? I don't even care how they died - you've ruined the book for me by spilling the ending. I'm sure it goes on to be a great book, but I'm not interested - I feel cheated out of discovering for myself what happens. Isn't that the point of writing a story - to take me on a journey. I don't need plotlines spoon fed to me so the end won't make me cry. Go ahead - make me cry, it's what I shelled out the bucks for isn't it?

The current book I'm reading, War Crimes for the Home does this too, although not as blatantly as Jean Brodie. This one is, unfortunately, predictable. I'm now skimming through to the bits I can be bothered to read and skipping the stuff I've already figured out. I know there's a scene where the daughter who was put up for adoption will have it out with the mother, Gloria, who now suffers from dementia and can't remember ever having a daughter - that'll be worth reading. I also want to read about how Gloria and her American pilot split up, why did she become a prostitute - see I already know she was a prostitute because she mentions it in the present but we've not got to that bit yet in the flashbacks. This timeline shit is very annoying!

I don't mind foreshadow - I love foreshadow it's wonderful, tantalizing and keeps me reading every word the author struggled to compose. But just telling what's going to happen is like going to a strip club and the woman are all already naked - no surprises, no teasing, no point. (And I'm fully aware that that particular analogy makes me look like a lesbian, but I didn't know what else to use as a comparison. I probably will in a couple days.) you should have just given me the synopsis if you wanted to ruin the whole story for me, would've cost less to print and saved you, the author, a lot of weeks/months/years of stress in writing it.

That's it. I don't want too much too soon, I want to find the surprises myself and don't tell me a character is dead in the first chapter when I have a whole book to read yet, about them. It's creepy! Unless they're a ghost, then it makes sense, otherwise it's a really dumb plot device that pisses me off.

Have something you want to bitch about regarding books, writing or romance then please share and send it up to Beth, the hostess of Smart Bitches Day.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Have you seen these yet??

Hubs sent me this e-mail today - It's right up my twisted ally. Have a nice weekend folks!

Unfortunare URLs

1. A site called *Who Represents* where you can find the name of the
agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name... wait for it...

2. *Experts Exchange*, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than *Pen Island *at

4. Need a therapist? Try *Therapist Finder* at

5. Then of course, there's the *Italian Power Generator* company...

6. And now, we have the *Mole Station Native Nursery* based in New
South Wales:

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

8. Welcome to the *First Cumming Methodist Church*. Their website is

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their
whacky website:

10. Want to holiday in *Lake Tahoe*? Try their brochure website at

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Quick run in...

I've been saving bits of things since blogger was out of commission that I wanted to talk about so it may not make a lot of sense in one post, but it'll have to do.

Took a train ride today to see friends with new baby again and had a great time, kids were lovely and well behaved. Shortie did amuse many middleaged football fans on the train home by repeatedly saying "Fucking Hell!" over and over and with great delight. I laughed, red faced and in shock behind my hand in shame. The men were so impressed, they paid my train fare and gave the kids coins for sweets. It was a weird experience that made feel relieved and guilty all at once. I don't think the tightness of my shirt and fullness of my breasts had anything to do with it this time.

Wednesday workout was hard because it was so hot, humid and close. I split the run half mile at the start, weights and then the last half mile at the end. I've not been able to do the cardio lately - it's so hot/humid that I had to stop and use my kid's inhaler. I still have a cough from a couple weeks ago and I think it's still allergies. No fun running and hacking up a lung every two minutes. Weights I did:

80 cable pulldowns 66lbs
80 cable pullovers 66lbs
80 cable pressdowns 66lbs
100 cable rows 77lbs
80 tricep pressdowns (machine) 77lbs
50 tricep kickbacks 22lbs
50 single arm rows 22lbs
60 rear delt flys 33lbs
50 wrist curls 22lbs
50 wrist lifts 22lbs

Had a freaky weird dream.
I was living in a house I've never lived in before, and my mom was there too. I woke up in the dream and my chest was kind of sore. I took off my shirt and saw that I had started growing more nipples. I had three, brown skinned nipples on the right breast, two on the left breast and three more growing down my right side to my waist as if I were an animal. I freaked!! They were all tender and sensitive - no extra breasts mind you, just nipples - and they were huge/long apelike nipples, you could stack about five CDs on them. I showed my mom and she was like "What the hell have you done to yourself now?!" I went to the doctor and he said it was the high protein diet causing me to break out in nipples. I don't remember much else except the house was very messy, piles of clothes everywhere, litter on the carpets, just very slobbish. I don't live slobbishly so it stuck out my dream.

What does that all mean???

I'm seriously in need of a friend who will help me hold my skin tight so I can wax my armpits. any takers?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Blurgy blarg ghee

I'm not up to thinking just now. I'm tired, I tell you TIRED! I've been kicking my ass in the gym and it;s been hot! not as hot as you American folks, but hot enough that the windows need to be open and the blankets are kicked off. Sweaty sweating sweat sweat. Can't drink enough, can't eat enough and I just want to dissolve.

But I can't, I have kids to entertain, an ass to whip into shape and far too many chores. Today Gomez is here and by 9:30 they were ganging up on me with the "I'm Bored" chant. We're going out later for a walk in the woods, do some tree and leaf rubbings and try and found an old watering fountain used by local monks. That's it - after that they can find their own amusements. They're kids for goodness sake - surely there's plenty for a kid to create and play with without the interference of a grown-up, right?

I had two days of serious workouts in the gym and now I'm very sore and tired. I'm on a day off for rest. Why am I hiking in the woods? Oh my. For them. Always for the kids - for the love of the children - the future of our world. Oh dear, shut up.
I couldn't think of much to write for an SBD yesterday except to come up with reasons why you never read of fat women having a romance story. It wasn't easy to write and my imagination was lacking a bit. There were a few lines of "...he reached out to embrace her and his hands sunk into her soft, doughy flesh. He could feel every roll of sensuous fat and couldn't wait to find the delights within..." yeah it started to put me off my pace. And my lunch. I'll consider it a work in progress. I'll use those photoshopped pictures of a fat J-lo as inspiration. Now - should she have a fat hero, or the classic muscle bound hero?? Suggestions?

My workout yesterday was: jogged for 1.1miles at 5.8mph
60 leg curls at 44lbs
60 leg lifts at 44lbs
60 leg presses 77lbs
60 weighted plies 77lbs
60 heel lifts 77lbs
60 straight leg dead lifts 22lbs weightbar
60 squats 22lbs weight bar
40 weighted lunges 11lbs in each hand
60 inner thigh lifts 33lbs
60 outer thigh lifts 33lbs
80 crunches on ab machine 55lbs
80 crunches with ab roller
40 reverse crunches
60 weighted side bends 22lbs

I may go for a run tonight...we'll see. Oh and the other thing that happened recently, While in the gym, I've noticed it smelled really strongly of ammonia. I hate the smell of ammonia and won't even use it to clean my house. It smells like cat pee. After suffering it for an hour I complained to the head desk. They said they'd look into it.

A few days later it was there again, and the next day and finally I complained again. It must be in whatever they used to clean down the machines at night. Two weeks ago they started using this outside company to super clean the bathrooms, changing rooms and gym. Everyone kept saying how nice it smells - like strawberry vanilla. All I could smell was ammonia. But I kept quiet, I'd finally given up complaining.

Today I noticed strawberry vanilla. I haven't noticed ammonia for the past week. So I asked and they've not changed anything else since the strawberry vanilla change. I decided to do some googling about - does sweat smell like ammonia? Maybe there's a lot of sweaty drips in the carpet...

Well, as it turns out - it can. Bodybuilders in particular who have high protein/low carb diets suffer this pong. It's easily fixed by having a small (80-100 calories) carbohydrate snack before a workout. So, was me that smelled of ammonia. A ha. ha.

Now, do I apologise for all my complaining and admit it was me that smelled bad and just hee hee laugh it off? Yeah. Women should never admit they smell. Not that anyone ever mentioned I smelled, even my kids and they have no tact to hamper their honesty.

The kids just came in and asked if one of the other neighborhood kids can join us on our walk and I said - yes??? Why did I say yes? Why do I have to be nice...

pray for me.

Friday, July 14, 2006

What's wrong with these people!?!?

I just read Mark's Thursday post and I'm shocked and disgusted about the attempts to ban books from school libraries. I can understand a parent's personal choice to not let their own kid read something - but to inflict your prejudices on an entire school is fucking ridiculous! Go read Mark's post and offer up some support. Follow his lead and ask these taffy brained dipshits what the fuck they think they're doing...but in his clever, drawing out the truth, kind of way.

I mean...banning Junie B. Jones because she uses the word dumb?? Give me a fucking break. If I won the lottery I'd buy a whole frigging Mack Truck Rig full of every banned book and gift them to every public library in the whole state of North Carolina until the shelves were bulging and every kid could get the chance to read them.

Pity the children of these parents, seriously, feel a deep sense of remorse for they'll never be able to make a choice for themselves until early adulthood. They're slaves to their parent's fears and prejudices and I wish everyone of those parent's a miserable 10 years with those very pissed off teenagers when they realise just how censored their lives have been. May all their kids find the truth.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


I don't like that thumbnail picture of me anymore. I look too middle-aged yuppie-mom and that's not me. Time to punk up again. I think purple and blue this time. What do you folks think: Help me punk up my hair - what colour should it be?

Should I pierce my nose? I having a practice run on my mid-life crisis? What the fuck?

I jogged one and a half miles today - I feel awesome. I upped my weights to 55lbs for all my leg exercises and added an extra 20 lunges. I'll have buns of steel or die trying.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Where was I again...

I dunno because I forgot. I thought for sure I posted something today. I know i thought about it, planned it out a bit even figured, hey that'll be about five paragraphs which is good reading, but I didn't and now i forget what it was I wanted to talk about.

I sometimes wish I could just babble on about all the little shit that passes in my head. I could do about five mini posts per day, but who has that kind of stamina? I keep thinking I'm doing well because I almost manage one per day....even if it's drivel like this.

I wonder if I should talk about the fact I've seen six images for SuperGirl over the weekend, all unrelated to each other and I just don't know why. I wondered if I should mention that my lust for Lucy Lawless has re-emerged since I heard her speak in her native accent on TV and is it wrong that I prefer her with dark hair, really I should not have such opinions - live and let live right? I must watch Xena later...

I keep having scraps of conversation in my head too, like I think I'm writing, and the characters are having a row and I just listen to the exchange while I fold underwear and match socks. But do I ever write them down?? Nope.

Why can't I just win the lottery?? And you math nerds - I'm not interested in your statistics, ok. I know the reality, but I'm reaching for the dream here so stop poking me in the armpit. Isn't that the worst, I mean just the worst thing when you're going for a nice long stretch and some fucker pokes you in the oxter. I seriously hate that and it makes me all tense. I love being able to do it someone though...I also like to go in for a kiss but swerve off and blow air down the person's nose. Hubs is wise to that move now though, even in the dark he can sense it coming. Sigh.

I waxed my legs for the first time tonight. I bought some Nads...what a dumb name huh? We call a man's balls his nads. I keep reading the instructions and giggling about how I shouldn't get my Nads wet, and my Nads won't spread properly if cold - but a few seconds in the microwave will have my Nads spreading like butter. I waxed my lower legs and armpits. Legs were easy, armpits was Nazi torture. How can anyone wax their own armpits?? Maja said she does it so I figured I'd figure it all out but I must be loose in the grey matter because yeeowch and nothing's budging. I had a few rips on each side and I'll still have to epillate the strays out. Husband wouldn't help me either - the bastard said he found it far more amusing watching me try and do it myself. See if I let him lick my hairless pit. I shall venture to try some topiary designs tomorrow.

I'm very keen to get back into the gym, I'm not liking my new routine of Monday - Wednesday - Friday and then the weekends because it's too much stop and start. I hope I get used to it soon. I have lost six pounds on Atkins last week, so I hope that means my plateau is over. I am getting tired of chicken breast. Sigh.

I think I'm tired now. I'm going to my bed. Nite friends.

Monday, July 10, 2006

I ask you...

When, in everyday conversation, can you insert the phrase "Spunk shot"?

Friday, July 07, 2006

Endings and beginnings

Today is the last day of school for Sassy. We say goodbye to second grade and look forward with dread (Sassy) and anticipation (Me) for the rigors and excitements of third grade. New teachers and new classmates as they've decided to shuffle the kids about into different classes so it should be more fun. I think they did it because there are three second grade classes, and in Sassy's class, there are three special needs kids, one has a form of autism and gets a special ed teacher with her all the time, another has ODD and ADHD, and then there's Sassy who has no reason for her bad behavior other then she sees these other two get out of doing their work by misbehaving, and she figures if she acts up she won't have to do her work either.

Sassy's been seen by the school psychiatrist, the Dr., and has been found to be nothing more then very clever and very lazy. She does have a high level of anxiety and low self esteem, the words "I can't do it!" come out of her mouth all the time, but I grow more and more impatient with her because she can bloody well do these things if shuts up and gives it a try. Because she's not the best in the class, she figures she's the worst; there's no middle ground for her, you either win or lose, succeed or fail.

We don't put too high an expectation on her, we never expect her to be best in class. We do expect her to behave herself and give it her best efforts though. Perhaps that is asking too much?

I've got a bit of a head cold at the moment, but I think it's self-inflicted. I started Atkins this week to see if I can break my diet plateau. I've been really tired and craving carbs like crazy - bread is my big weakness it turns out. I've been eating a bit too much dairy though, and as I don't eat it normally, my body is rebelling with clogged sinuses. So I'm off the dairy again and I feel a bit better this morning. I guess I'll have to be a dairy free Atkins person. I have lost four pounds already which is great. The book says it'll be water weight, but as I drink about three liters of water every day as habit, I can't imagine it's all water.

I treated myself to some new workout gear. I found a shop selling Reebok gymwear for £10 a piece, so I bought two bottoms, and two tops. I also got myself a new pair of Saucony running shoes and it's like jogging on marshmallows - I love Saucony sneakers, they are the best I've ever worn. Second best are Adidas and after that I don't even bother. Nike may have a great ad campaign, but their shoes give me blisters.

I getting ready to pack up a picnic and collect the kids; we have a friend's son for the rest of the summer because I volunteered to child mind him while his mom was at work. Three days a week and I get paid, not a bad deal. We'll call him Gomez as he reminds me of Gomez Addams, and then it's off the play park and the library. From Monday, I'll be shitting myself...I get them full time.

Monday, July 03, 2006

For lack of originality...

I'll do a meme. I've not done one for a long time, so why not. I have no head for coming up with a super-cool Smart Bitches Day post, but I hate my last post so much I want to see it slip down the page and off into dusty archives. You should do a SBD post, go on, have something to say about books, writing, writers then post it up and go tell Beth all about it!

I got this from Chryscat's blog, It's a Wikipedia meme:

So here it is:
1. Go to Wikipedia.
2. In the Search box, type your birth month and day (but not year). (mine is January 1st)
3. List three events that happened on your birthday.
4. List two important birthdays and one interesting death.
5. One holiday or observance (if any).
6. Tag 5 more people - if ya feel like it.

1818 - Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus is published.
1985 - The first British mobile phone call is made by Ernie Wise to Vodafone.
3. 1970 - Jimi Hendrix, Buddy Miles, and Billy Cox are recorded live at the Fillmore East. The resulting album, Band of Gypsys, is the last Hendrix album to be released before his death.
4. 1735 - Paul Revere, American silversmith and patriot (d. 1818)
5. 1895 - J. Edgar Hoover, American Federal Bureau of Investigation director (d. 1972)
6. 1994 - Cesar Romero, American actor (b. 1907)
7. Well, it's New Year's Day which is celebrated by anyone who uses the Gregorian Calendar.

Today is my last day with Meagan, and she'll be missed. I hope folks have had fun checking her out and I'll be bringing in a new tenant later tonight. Hope all of you Americans are having a great day off and looking forward to cookouts, barbecues and fireworks tomorrow - wish I were there!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Omens and Gremlins.

I was hanging out my laundry this morning, listening to thunder rolling far off somewhere. We don't get thunder and lightning here very often, maybe one small kabang a year. Nothing like the displays I got back home. But this time, hearing thunder while hanging the laundry on the whirly-jig, brought back some feelings of foreboding.

I had a rough night, no sleep again and Shortie was whining every half an hour, for no particular reason. I've had about three hours of sleep each night for the past two weeks and it's really getting to me now. I was so frustrated last night I had a tantrum and ended up banging my head on the wall about ten times. I got that upset I couldn't think of anything else to do.

I lay in bed and I want to sleep, but I'm so tuned into everything around me I can't relax. It's like in the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers where the alien things send out these feelers and link to other people. For me, I link to: the kids and listen to them breathing - anticipating a cry for my attention, the husband and his clicking on the keyboard, the neighbors and their coughing and muffled TV, the crows cawing to each other in the woods, the surf on the beach, the seagulls, the trains going over the Forth Rail Bridge and the hum of the cars on the road bridge, the ships horns as they pass under the bridges, the airplanes taking off and occasionally flying overhead, the's so noisy and yet, to be completely honest it's the most peaceful place I've ever lived. I try and shut off and ignore those things, try meditation but it's not working right now. Even using earplugs wouldn't help because then I'd focus on the muffled rubbing of my ear against the pillow and my heartbeat and breathing and...I need sensory deprivation for a while.

With all of that going on, I sometimes (but rarely) bang my head on the wall. It stops the feelers from going out and they just kind of go "ow, that hurts" and I can relax a bit. Take an advil. The throb on my frontal lobe is kind of soothing. I woke up this morning with my vision a bit blurred in my right eye and a stiff neck, but it was fine a couple hours later. I know I have a problem, I'm seeing the Dr. this week.

Oh, and the gremlins have begun. Although not where I thought. They first took out windows on the PC with those spyware fucking things taking out some other security program...Hubs understands it, I don't. We're not too bothered really, as we only use windows for playing games because it's so damned unreliable and...well shit. We are Unix people, and proud. But what a bummer we can't play our games now! It's not so bad, we still have the Gamecube. The second one hit last night and broke our set-top box so we have to buy a new one. Set-top box is like basic cable. We do have a satellite but it has so much crap on it, we can't be bothered clicking through fifty channels to find the one we want. It'll hold us over until we can find a new STB.

I'm giving the gym a pass today. I have hopes of a nap later.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

I'm far too busy to blog...

It's been beautiful weather for the past couple days, even on Thursday when it poured all day. It was a nice rain, no wind just a much needed soaking to help green up the browning grass and leaves.

I'm really sore, I've pushed a bit too far at the gym and my butt is aching. I have to hold onto something to sit because I can't bend. Ah well - no pain, no gain as they say. I've been riding bikes with the kids, jogging around and walking everywhere. By the time the kids are in I'm tired and just want to play Paper Mario until Big Brother comes on. I've been sleeping deep and having all sorts of messed up dreams - one was where I fell in love with Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and after confessing our love, he told me his real last name was Noodlemeyer. I was in love with Hugh Noodlemeyer, and we going to live on the farm. And believe it or not, I didn't wake up screaming - laughing. Again. What is this with waking up laughing?

The fam are right now all putting Dr. Who stickers into an album, the pizza is cooking in the oven, Wimbeldon is on the telly (The England match just ended with a satisfying loss to Portugal. In the streets outside we could hear cheering from the homes of several neighbors. The bars in Scotland will be filled to the brim tonight. Haha Innocent.) And I've got high hopes for local Scotsman, Andy Murray. He's an amazing success story, folks may not know that he was the only survivor of the Dunblane massacre. I don't know why, but I just love knowing he's made such a success of his life. Who doesn't like a happy ending?

Go Check out Meagan, she's been pampering herself, having weird dreams of her own, tackling a gigantic taco and lazy dazing HNT. She's the box just on the right - go and say Hi - oh and she's got a picture of herself up there. She's adorable! But I'd like one a bit more up-to-date.

I'm away to watch Dr. Who, and eat pizza and then once the kids are sent off to bed - I'm playing Paper Mario and watching Big Brother. When that's all over I'll go out into the early dusk and have a nice cup of tea in the garden. Envy me.