Thursday, May 18, 2006

Topics are like butterflies...

They're just flitting about and I'm out there with naught but a jar and my hand. I see so many but can I catch one? Nope. I have so many things going on in my head, but I'm not really able to control them.

I'm annoyed by my sudden fear of being stuck by lightening. I don't know why I'm afraid of being struck by lightning, other than if it happened It'd really hurt, but I've never been afraid of lightning before. In fact I love thunderstorms, they're kind of a turn on. A few weeks ago I was out hanging washing on the line and a passing cloud looked very ominous. I thought aw shit, I just hung all that washing out and now it's going to rain and then I had this image of a bolt of lightning striking the whirly-jig and I get hit with an arc off from it. So then I thought, if it really hapened I'd be up shit's creek because I had polyester underpants on, an underwired bra and all sorts of metal doohickys clipped in my hair. visions of the burns, and...well, you get the picture. It was awful.

Yesterday I was walking hime from the gym and another cloud was coming along the river, and I could see the rain already falling from it. Here I am, polyester underpants again, and polyester jogging bottoms, with the underwired bra. I did have a bit of a run home after that chased by images of that episode of House with the maggots and the burn victim. So now, you see, all of this imagination has got me afraid of lightning. It's completely illogical, because if lightning was going to strike, it would probably go for the house, or tree or something much taller than the stupid whirly-jig. I know this, but I get a bit trapped in my daydreams sometimes. I keep imagining the stormclouds are searching me out - they want to strike me down, they are actually trying to find me. For all these years since I left the Cape, they've been trying to find me (I don't know why and I'm not about to ask), and I think they've finally sussed me out. This is the longest we've gone without moving house, so I'm a lot easier to pinpoint. On Cape Cod lightning storms are common, but they happen so rarely here, maybe one a year if we're lucky. Only, I'm not feeling so lucky these days.

So anyways, there's that bit of psychosis, plus I'm not happy about my diet - I'm being naughty again. Which may be part of the hyperactive imagination if I'm nutrient deprived. I'm also very disorganised, grumpy and I have this very annoying, itchy rash around my neck. Too much sugar?? I've made two doctors appointments today, one for me about getting a mammogram that I'll probably have to pay for myself because the NHS doesn't begin screening until a woman is over 50 years old. I have a family history of breast cancer, and I want to be careful. Self testing is a weird experience because I have large breasts, so there's a lot of tissue deep in that I'm not able to feel, and also I breast fed both of my girls, so they're a bit lumpy under the skin anyways from the milk ducts. I worry sometimes that if the "hard, pea sized lump" we're supposed to look out for is somewhere in there, and I can't get to it, what chances have I got? the other appointment was for Shortie to see how her asthma is doing. With all the pollen now floating around, I'm doing the "Is she wheezing?" test every half an hour, So I'm not getting much sleep.

Speaking of sleep, I'm drowning in vivid-but-weird dreams. It's getting annoying. I had one yesterday morning where, in the dream I woke up and found I'd lost my ring finger on my right hand. It was gone, I was like a cartoon character with only three fingers and a thumb. The really upsetting part was that no one cared! Husband told me not be so silly, it's a useless digit anyways, it's not where my wedding goes, you don't point or poke with it and it's not needed to hold a pen, so I can still write and no one else will notice. But I noticed!! Plus, I wanted to know where it was. Was it under the bed being smothered by a dustbunny? Did the kids take it? What if Shortie found it and began to chew on it? I woke myself after that thought and spent a good five minutes looking at my hand.

And I want to write, but it's becoming an impossible task with all these thoughts bumping about in my head, and I worry if I forget to write one down, it'll be gone forever, and then I lose my train of thought. I have no fucking steam! I can't just bulldoze through the mental interruptions. How fucking frustrating it is, that now I can get a few minutes to write, and the kids don't mind because they have a sandbox to play in now, and I can't do it. My head so tuned into being interuppted that it fucking interrupts itself!

And my house is full of sand, it's everywhere. I can't seem to vacuum up all the sand and there's just a feeling of grit everywhere.

I didn't do a HNT, and I feel kind of bad, but I didn't feel like being any kind of naked, but I do wish Osbasso a very happy HNT Birthday.

oh lord, I really need some decaff. and a sauna, and a back rub and a pedicure. Maybe some strawberries....oh I have strawberries in the frige...

19 comments:

doc-t said...

for someone without a topic you certainly found quite a bit to say about it... you do alright. :)

let's see... OH. They screen for breast cancer until AFTER 50?! That's LUDICROUS!!! you need to have that fixed or move...

your head interrupting itself...part of me is disturbed and the other part thinks thats rather kewl!!!

Watcha writing?

doc-t said...

forgot to mention... If you get struck by lightning you won't feel it... so you don't have to worry about pain.

Also, you're right. Thunderstorms are a BIG turn on. I love em! Some of my favorite fantasies happen in the middle of thunderstorms. I grew up in a place that tends to have among the highest number of thunderstorms in the u.s. each year....

Also, if it's not yet raining, and your hair isn't standing like there's a huge electrostactic field around you... you're not going to get struck by lightning. When it's a dry area nature gives a little warning. I thought that might ease your mind a bit.

The lightning isn't looking for you lyvvie, it's just looking for a safe place to land... You'll be fine

Amber said...

I've always had an irrational fear of being struck by lightening, but it's only when I'm outside. I can watch a lightening storm inside and no worries. But If I'm outside and there's thunder and such - well I get freaked out. It's not because I envisage anything happening to me like you do - it's just I'm sure it's coming for me. Somewhere, somehow I made it hate me and now I'm gonna pay.

The constant loss of the train of thought thing, I've got that too right now. I think it's the time of year. Where spring rushes into summer and so much seems to be going on. I honestly wou;d forget my head if it wasn't attached right now, I just have so much random noise in my head. It'll calm down though, and things will be back to normal soon (I hope) :)

Lyvvie said...

Doc-T, but what if it lands in my hair? you know, like bats and greenfly and sand - they're all attracted to hair...I'll bet lightning is too. *note to self, must buy hat*

Ah Amber, you understand, with lightning it's personal

"AG" said...

Worry more about the sugar. : ) I love it too, but have to moderate. Otherwise I'd go into a coma.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

First, don't fear being struck by lightning. You might like it.

Second, what's the difference between Lyvvie's LIMELIGHT and Lyvvie's BLATHER?

I have Limelight linked on my blog. Am I missing something even better?

Lyvvie said...

No, I deleted the Blather blog a few weeks ago, having not bothered to write anything in it for months. I just figured I'm a one blog kind of girl (which means I'm too busy, lazy, and don't have enough bullshit in me to spew forth for two blogs.)So you just forget you ever saw the blather, baby.

I have read about some folks who've been struck by lightning and they get new found powers. Perhaps I'll be lucky?

tornwordo said...

I always hope the darkest cloud will come toward me. I adore lightning!

I bet LBB drools when you talk about your self testing of your large breasts.

Badger said...

Okay (a) that is EXACTLY why I always wear cotton underpants and (b) you really need to NOT ever read Rachel Caine's Weather Warden series because if you did, you would be too afraid to even leave the house (lots of talk about thunderstorms and how they are sometimes downright sentient).

Maja said...

Hahaha, I love the good morning response! That's classic. Bloody scots!

Riss said...

That over 50 rule is awful, especially since they're encouraging women to test earlier.

I have a weird fear of lightning as well. It doesn't stop me from walking around in the rain but it does keep me glancing nervously up at the sky, as if I could somehow avoid the lightning at the last minute.

Bananna said...

How could you WALK home form the gym, thats just too much exercise...(LOL I am new here but I still hope you can "feel" the sarcasum.

Lyvvie said...

You'd be surprised! Yeah, the gym is only 8/10ths of a mile from home, so no big deal - except when it rains, I hate walking in the rain with my super new and blinding white sneakers.

I have mentioned a personal trainer who is in the gym the same time as me, and I found out recently that she drives to the gym, and she lives across the street fom me. Huh?!? I felt like flicking her in the head.

Welcome!!

Bananna said...

Its like going to the gym and trying to look for a close parking spot....ummm duh...

Lyn Cash said...

The after 50 thang...scary!
Lightninng...kewl.
Your writing...amazing.

Enjoyed this.

Lyvvie said...

Wow, thanks a lot for that, honestly, it's not often I hear that. In real life, I don't take compliments well, here no one can see me blush.

Lyn Cash said...

Lyvvie, you really should submit articles to magazines: Redbook for your mommy stuff, Woman's World for the health issues and how differently things are handled (like mammograms) in the UK, and many, many others. You have a natural, gut instinct for writing, and the honesty just shines.

Not many can pull off the articles, but even if you're working on longer material, the shorter will help you tighten your writing and will actually help in plotting the long stuff. (I was writing novel-length fiction...very bad stuff, actually, at the time - lol) and a friend had me write a confession for an editor friend. 50+ confessions later I found myself selling novels.

I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I can tell you in good faith that switching genres and lengths will boost the others.

Best, girl. I've added your blog to my sidebar so I can easily find you next time without having to get to Kate's to look for you - lol.

~ Sunny Lyn

Lyn Cash said...

I'll entice you...

Redbook pays $750 or more per story
WW pays $1200 for fiction
WW pays $250-500 for articles - or more
American Baby pays about $150-250
First pays $500-1000 I think

And American magazines LOVE stories about and by women in other countries. *grin*

Topics? Health issues/concerns, dating!!!, slice of life vignettes of how the others live, attending a tea party or a garden party or a health spa or gym overseas, anything to do with fashion, makeup or lack thereof, brushes with death or danger, perils of raising kids, what tv you get that we don't and what you miss about ours, differences in the men - lol.

Then there are the writers' magazines who love current slang updates, info on what is selling overseas, where American writers could market THEIR work outside their homeland.

I'll shut up now before I do overkill, but you catch my drift, I'm sure.

anyhoo...again...all the best.

Lyvvie said...

Holy shit!! What am I doing playing "Battle of the blog" all figging day for when there's cash to be had!!?