They're just flitting about and I'm out there with naught but a jar and my hand. I see so many but can I catch one? Nope. I have so many things going on in my head, but I'm not really able to control them.
I'm annoyed by my sudden fear of being stuck by lightening. I don't know why I'm afraid of being struck by lightning, other than if it happened It'd really hurt, but I've never been afraid of lightning before. In fact I love thunderstorms, they're kind of a turn on. A few weeks ago I was out hanging washing on the line and a passing cloud looked very ominous. I thought aw shit, I just hung all that washing out and now it's going to rain and then I had this image of a bolt of lightning striking the whirly-jig and I get hit with an arc off from it. So then I thought, if it really hapened I'd be up shit's creek because I had polyester underpants on, an underwired bra and all sorts of metal doohickys clipped in my hair. visions of the burns, and...well, you get the picture. It was awful.
Yesterday I was walking hime from the gym and another cloud was coming along the river, and I could see the rain already falling from it. Here I am, polyester underpants again, and polyester jogging bottoms, with the underwired bra. I did have a bit of a run home after that chased by images of that episode of House with the maggots and the burn victim. So now, you see, all of this imagination has got me afraid of lightning. It's completely illogical, because if lightning was going to strike, it would probably go for the house, or tree or something much taller than the stupid whirly-jig. I know this, but I get a bit trapped in my daydreams sometimes. I keep imagining the stormclouds are searching me out - they want to strike me down, they are actually trying to find me. For all these years since I left the Cape, they've been trying to find me (I don't know why and I'm not about to ask), and I think they've finally sussed me out. This is the longest we've gone without moving house, so I'm a lot easier to pinpoint. On Cape Cod lightning storms are common, but they happen so rarely here, maybe one a year if we're lucky. Only, I'm not feeling so lucky these days.
So anyways, there's that bit of psychosis, plus I'm not happy about my diet - I'm being naughty again. Which may be part of the hyperactive imagination if I'm nutrient deprived. I'm also very disorganised, grumpy and I have this very annoying, itchy rash around my neck. Too much sugar?? I've made two doctors appointments today, one for me about getting a mammogram that I'll probably have to pay for myself because the NHS doesn't begin screening until a woman is over 50 years old. I have a family history of breast cancer, and I want to be careful. Self testing is a weird experience because I have large breasts, so there's a lot of tissue deep in that I'm not able to feel, and also I breast fed both of my girls, so they're a bit lumpy under the skin anyways from the milk ducts. I worry sometimes that if the "hard, pea sized lump" we're supposed to look out for is somewhere in there, and I can't get to it, what chances have I got? the other appointment was for Shortie to see how her asthma is doing. With all the pollen now floating around, I'm doing the "Is she wheezing?" test every half an hour, So I'm not getting much sleep.
Speaking of sleep, I'm drowning in vivid-but-weird dreams. It's getting annoying. I had one yesterday morning where, in the dream I woke up and found I'd lost my ring finger on my right hand. It was gone, I was like a cartoon character with only three fingers and a thumb. The really upsetting part was that no one cared! Husband told me not be so silly, it's a useless digit anyways, it's not where my wedding goes, you don't point or poke with it and it's not needed to hold a pen, so I can still write and no one else will notice. But I noticed!! Plus, I wanted to know where it was. Was it under the bed being smothered by a dustbunny? Did the kids take it? What if Shortie found it and began to chew on it? I woke myself after that thought and spent a good five minutes looking at my hand.
And I want to write, but it's becoming an impossible task with all these thoughts bumping about in my head, and I worry if I forget to write one down, it'll be gone forever, and then I lose my train of thought. I have no fucking steam! I can't just bulldoze through the mental interruptions. How fucking frustrating it is, that now I can get a few minutes to write, and the kids don't mind because they have a sandbox to play in now, and I can't do it. My head so tuned into being interuppted that it fucking interrupts itself!
And my house is full of sand, it's everywhere. I can't seem to vacuum up all the sand and there's just a feeling of grit everywhere.
I didn't do a HNT, and I feel kind of bad, but I didn't feel like being any kind of naked, but I do wish Osbasso a very happy HNT Birthday.
oh lord, I really need some decaff. and a sauna, and a back rub and a pedicure. Maybe some strawberries....oh I have strawberries in the frige...