I'm anxious about this coming weekend. We're going to a friend's wedding, and I'm nervous about being seen. I'm still feeling fat. I know it's not supposed to be important, but I worry that people will think things, or say things about how I've "let myself go" or something awful and cutting. Pity, I don't want to see pity on anyone's face.
I know I'm being histrionic and girlie too. I know, on some level, that no one really gives a shit except me. Sassy even told me she didn't want me to be skinny, because she likes to cuddle a squishy Mummy; she's a bit boobie obsessed, it gives me concern. I think it's quite impossible for me to be skinny anyways. I was looking through old photos yesterday (for a school project for Sassy - they're doing a timeline of their lives; all 6-7 years of it. Needless to say, Mommy did the homework.) and saw pics of me at my bridal shower, where I weighed about 135-140 and I still looked chubby. I have chubby genes. I'm cursed with pudgy cheeks and assorted roundness. The exercise is doing amazing things, don't get me wrong, but what's changing isn't too apparent. Yet.
Husband bought me a whole new outfit, haircut and colour as a treat for all my hard work. He wants me to feel beautiful, and I worry I may let him down. For me, worry and anxiety equals a cake flavored band-aid. I was blog hopping yesterday and saw a tribute to the HoHo, and I yearned for hostess cakes. Twinkies, chocodiles, Suzy-Qs and devil's food cake; all those wonderful, artificially enhanced goodies. I've thought about nothing since. Lucky for me they don't have Hostess cakes in the UK, or I would be in trouble. I haven't had any in six years. Heavy sigh.
Anyways, I keep worrying that money was spent foolishly. If I keep on losing weight, the outfit I just bought won't fit in another few months. Sure, I could sell it on eBay or I could be really naughty and keep all the tags and return the whole outfit, but what's the point eh?
I want cake.