Monday, March 20, 2006

Can you feel it?

I am royally pissed off. Fed right the fuck up with all this family bullshit. It bores into my head and twists me up so badly I'm left looking backwards at the way forwards.

Sassy is being a pain again. She's in trouble at school and earns herself a grounding far too often for it to mean anything anymore. I actually thinks she prefers to be grounded, that way she doesn't have to go out and do anything. She's very insecure, very needy and when she does choose to throw a tantrum I ignore her, put her in time-outs or something. I don't give in to her demands, and I don't bargain or compromise anymore. I'm trying hard to show her that what I say goes, because I'm the boss, grown-up and power to be obeyed. Therefore I don't have to do the other things. Why argue - I'm the boss. I made a decision to not spank anymore - spanking does not work, ever...okay, if they're sticking their tongues in the electric sockets then a spank is in order, but the rest of the time: no way! Husband disagrees. So here comes a great big problem, and guess who is left trying to fix it all.

Sassy kicked off yesterday morning because she didn't want to get dressed and come with us to the shops. We were going, and she seemed determined to take a slow and long a time as possible. I'm stressed already because I know hubs will shout and carry on if she has a tantrum. I'm trying to get her ready - Shhhh just be good, shhhh - I am stripping her and dressing her myself. What does Hubs do to try and speed things along? He stomps upstairs shouts a bunch of noise, spanks her once on the bum and storms off again. He's lost control. Sassy freaks out.

How is she left feeling? Well let's see, she's mad about being hit, she's mad about being made to get dressed, she's humiliated, she feels she can't trust her parents and she feels unloved and like no one cares about her. Nice one Dad. I get to go in and play nice cop, but nothing doing, we are both the enemy and there's no point. But can I argue with Hubs about his foolish behavior? No - we don't talk about that stuff in front of the kids. I have to wait several hours later to tell him I don't want him to hit the kids. We aren't going to be parents who hit their kids.

I must not have made myself very clear, because this morning Sassy has a tantrum about breakfast (she always wants something other than what I've prepared and I will not make a special breakfast for her. She eats what we eat or she goes hungry, her choice), and while I'm ignoring her Hubs thuds his feet downstairs leans over her, points a finger in her face and threatens to spank her again if she doesn't eat the breakfast. I'm sure he felt real smug and proud when she went over to the table and pouted at her bowl. But then he leaves for work and she picks right up where we left off before his cro-magnon interruption. HE doesn't seem to fucking get it - he's not intimidating. She's afraid of being hit, not afraid of him. And why would he fucking want her to be?!?! Why be that kind of dad who makes his kids fear him? How can you trust, love and respect someone who you're never quite sure may haul off and smack you one? He's a fucking idiot.

He just doesn't GET IT! He doesn't read parenting books - we have plenty. He won't watch parenting television shows and try and pick up some advice there. He just pulls the same bullshit, makes the same mistakes that his parents made. Like a fucking robot. Thick headed, stupid and ignorant.

Of course, since Sassy is upset and acting up, Shortie has to pip in too. She was wonderful and ate all of her cereal, and has been a real sweetie - she usually is. But if big sis cries, so does she, if big sis screams, so does she etc.

So here I am, walking up to school with two miserable kids, one who keeps saying she hates me, hates her daddy and wants to live with her friend Emma, and the other moaning and whinging away like a squeaky wheel. And I have to take it, keep calm, talk sense and try and salvage Sassy's mood so she's not left a sad-sack for the whole day at school. Tell her I love her, tell her she needs to behave, reassure her. She's an anxious kid, most of her tantrums at school are down to performance anxiety and panic. Great way to send an anxious kid off to school, hovering over her menacingly and bullying her into compliance. Hell, why didn't I think of that - that's a great way to make her excited to go to school.

I'm so pissed off about the whole thing - this ruined my whole Sunday. I tried to talk to him about it, but he looked tired - oh can't talk about things when he's tired. He's grumpy, oh can't talk to him when he's grumpy. I can't fucking believe I ended up marrying someone just like my own dad. I was desperate to find someone completely NOT like my Dad. I'm cursed by assholes. Of course, when I do talk about stuff, it's like "Why are you attacking me? You've never said anything before! How am I supposed to know the rules changed?!" well, perhaps if you stop avoiding everyone and sending out the "Fuck off" signals - you may just get a clue once in a while. I sent him and IM earlier - he's not replied so I'm guessing that went over well. I'll probably get the shit for typing this - since he gave out my blog address to some of his work mates, wouldn't want them to know there's troubles at home now would we.

As much as I anted to have my fast today, I got to about half twelve when the hunger was pissing me off and I had a sandwich. Can I focus on tidy up? Can I enjoy anything? No. I haven't been able to write for weeks - my head just feels like it's full of marshmallow and I could eat rocks. I'm getting to that level of frustration where I just want to hurt myself - bang my head, smash plates, break things - everyone else gets to have a hissy fit - why the fuck not.

Oh yeah - I'm the only adult here. I'm sure it'll go away soon enough, but really, I just want to shout. It's been six hours and I'm still fuming.


Manblogger641 said...

Hey Lyvvie,
I'm sorry your going through all this. All I can say is my dad used to beat the shit out of me when I was little but at that age I learn to do as I was instructed or else. I loved him but also knew what was coming if I did not do as I was told. Eventually, I learned, it was just easier to follow orders and thus was not hit.

As for the "too tired" I say bull shit. Next time the kids need something in the middle of the night I say tell the hubbs your "to tired" to get up and that he is to tend to the children (if he does not do so already etc...). But keep on doing that because hey I believe in giving exactly what I get.

Let him know that on X day and time you will be discussing the issues you are currently dealing with. Try to work things out and be united. If you are not on the same team life won't be easy.

Maja said...

It's gonna be really hard to get your point across to hubs if he's not interested in listening.

If I was there I'd give you a hug. xoxoxoxxox

Amber said...

Sorry things are going on this way. I'm hoping you'll find a way to get throught to Hubs and the kids and come back to the light side.


shoopska said...

oh that must be so frustrating lyvvie.

i second manblogger's idea of setting up an appointment to talk. hopefully at a time when you'll both be fresh and not wrung out by the day.

and the only other thought i would offer is when you do talk about all this, to be as gentle as possible. even though you are quite rightly damn pissed off and have every justification to rant... i'm sure you know already that attacks just bring up the defences!

but (i've found) sometimes getting beyond that initial anger and trying to be gentle and quiet and sincere can really help break through those walls. of course, that takes a hell of a lot of effort on your part... and that effort may not be recognised for a while. but it would be worth it.

all the best dear xx

chryscat said...

So sorry hon. Must be frustrating as all hell. What is WRONG with him? Holy shit. Sounds like my Dad. Who I then married the same. And then divorced. Grrrrrrrr
Make the man listen.

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