And raise your glass, all is renewed! We get a clean slate, who needs confession when there's a new year! We get to begin again with our new hopes, new aspirations and new diets...no, correction; health choices.
Yes, I've got resolutions, but I'm not going to bore you folks with them. I got a journal and pen for Christmas, I'll bore myself with the snore worthy babble. This is however, a large turning point for me. This is a very special and particularly important New Year's Day. Today is my birthday; of course it's been my birthday for many years, but this is a different one: I'm 34 years old today.
That may not seem special to you folks, not a particular year of note and really it should just be another birthday. But this one marks my progression into Adulthood. It kind of sucks really, and it's possible it's just a year I made important as a kid because my Mom was 34 years old when she gave birth to me. That's life coming full circle isn't it? I mean, I'm lucky I got to be a brat for as long as I have. Imagine the disappointment of those kids who born to teenagers! They had to grow up so much sooner than I've had to, I've had the luxury of extended youth...that's my take on it anyways.
The scary bit is, my Dad was diagnosed with diabetes at 34. I really don't want diabetes, but now it's all I worry about. Such a pain. It's a twisted inheritance, not the diabetes, but the superstition. My Dad was awful for noting coincidences and following superstitions, even if he wouldn't talk about it with us kids, he did talk to it with my Mom; who during my teens was a well of information due to borderline alcoholism. She told me lots of things about my Dad, a lot of it as venting frustration about their relationship that she now doesn't even remember telling me about. It wasn't my place to know that stuff, and she couldn't figure out why I hated my Dad so much when I was teenager. I don't now of course, hate him that is, we made amends before he died. But here I am being superstitious in the same way he was. Let me explain...
I was born on my paternal Grandfather's birthday. My Dad got to phone him and tell him, I was his special birthday gift, and he was really excited about it. He had a heart attack and died later that day, it was his 56th birthday. This kind of haunted my Dad all his days, and we never had the closest relationship when I was a kid; I think he always looked at me with happiness and sadness and he couldn't separate the two emotions. I always thought it was unfair; not like I killed the man or anything, and he denied he felt that way...until New Year's Eve of his 56th birthday...when he had his first heart attack.
I woke up that morning expecting to be taken out to breakfast and later the mall for presents. I'd slept in a bit, and at 9:30 and went downstairs to find the house was empty. I was bullshit! They'd left for breakfast without me! I'd fumed for a few minutes before noticing the answering machine was blinking and it had three messages telling me about Dad's heart attack, what hospital they were at and directions how to get there.
When I got there he didn't want to see me, he'd demanded the calendar be removed from the wall so he wouldn't see the date. He'd panicked himself into a heart attack. He was being depressed and slightly hysterical, and my sister, my mother, and myself were in the lobby; laughing at him. What a nerd. It's how we dealt with out fear at the time, but it was a mild heart attack and the doctors had said he'd be fine with treatment. What a horrible way to find out your own father was frightened of you.
It was the beginning of the change in our relationship; I think he felt so guilty about that, that he made an effort to be in my life more, even though I was 18 and becoming very independent. Little by little his temper softened, he laughed a bit more and became something of a thinker - he had deep thoughts. I even saw him read a book once! That may not seem like much, but when you've never seen your Dad do much other than lay on the sofa watching the news, seeing him read a book was a big deal! Especially since my Mom was such a fanatic reader that she used her books as a shield to keep him away from her.
And here I am, being superstitious. Thinking I've reached middle age this morning. It's ridiculous of course, I know this and yet I've been thinking of it, to only myself - not exactly information you share with others; even your partner in life. But I'm sure it'll blow over in a few days, I'm sure like all other normal people I'll forget my resolutions when the decorations come down we settle back into our routines and our hand gets used to writing 2006.
I'm still going to give up sugar. I think, all things considered, it's a smart move. OH, the hubs bought me a Gameboy Advance and Legend of Zelda; a Link to the Past to play! how cool is that?! Middle aged, Pah! I also got the Keane CD, which is awesome - go buy it!! I may sweet talk the hubs into buying chinese food for dinner so I don't have to do dishes...
Happy New Year My Friends!!