Wednesday, March 30, 2005
I just went straight to the kitchen and began to boil water. The baby was left to crawl/walk about the floor and pull the local newspaper to pieces...I'm too tired to fight her about it, and I wasn't really going to read it anyway. Cup of tea made, toast almost done when I notice a big green booger peeking out of the baby's nostril. Ugh...I hate snot. Really, really hate it. So I go and get a tissue...I stop...the baby has a wad of newspaper in her mouth...remove the newspaper and take the rest of the paper away from her...continue across the room for a tissue for snot nose...I turn around and see the baby's face all screwed up and about to let loose a very angry cry; she's been silently hostile and building up for the "BIG SCREAM" and I didn't notice.
All of a sudden, the big green booger inflates...deflates...inflates...deflates...inflates...deflates..and it's completely impervious to the scream. It just keeps going on like that. I was horrified and mesmerised. nauseous, I go and wipe the offensive snot-bubble away...but it keeps coming. It's like a long snot-worm. Baby was screaming and pulling her head away, shaking her head no and just being very uncooperative. I was determined to rid her face of this hideous thing!
It took two tissues and a lot of energy to clear away that offensive thing (the booger...not the baby) and by that time the toast had popped and gone cold. I just drank the tea. One look at the butter...all yellow and greasy...really put me off the idea of eating.
Aren't you glad I shared that? WTF ...you got all this coming soon.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Definately notnotnotNOTnot for kids!
And yet I can't help but about BlogHo while watching this...and his threesome with the Mother Superior. I'm damaged...damaged in the brain. Scarred. Ya Bas!
When I asked her what they did today she told about this amazing soccer game they played where she scored 100 goals!! And it was played outside, and she got to wear a red uniform. Once she even scored a goal by sliding in the grass and she got all covered in mud, but it was *SO* much fun! She didn't even use any of her super powers.
It rained all day yesterday...and she was completely devoid of mud, thank God. I did feel a bit cheated that I got a fabrication of a great day...so I really have no clue if she had fun or not. She says she did. She says she made a new friend named Rachel too.
She also tried to pull a sickie again this morning...she was too tired she claims. She was also really rude and nasty to me because I made her hard boiled eggs for breakfast...she said she wanted hard eggs, I just didn't realise she wanted chocolate ones. She was very disappointed.
While walking up to camp (in the rain again) she told me she hated me. I told her I didn't like her very much either. She then apologised and shuffled her feet up to the sports center.
I'm definately throwing away all the candy. She can just hate me for that too.
Monday, March 28, 2005
It bugs me further when her Dad, also eating chocolate, chuckles and says "What a wee tyke eh?" and the finale is when I later find the balled up piece of foil in the baby's mouth because the five year old can't get it into the trashcan. Then the baby cries because I have to take her new favorite thing.
I swear that she said "Bad MaMa....Bad MaMa!!" If I can get it taped on my phone I'll rig it so you can hear her and you tell me I'm hallucinating.
My daughter is on school vacation for two weeks. I figured if left to my daily routine, by at least Wednesday she would have gone insane and annoyed the tits off me until I grounded her forever. To avoid this, I signed her up for "Activator Camp" up at the local sports center (Like a YMCA) where they run the kids ragged, let them paint and make messes, and just be crazy until I pick her up at half four in the afternoon. This cost me about £60.00 ($110.00) and she's been really excited about going. "Woo-Hoo!!" were her words to be exact.
This morning she actually tried to pull a sickie!! For Fun Camp!! What the hell is that all about??
Fear about the unknown...no never bothered her before. Worried about the other kids not liking her...no, she's something of a bully and would make kids like her. I think she just wants to stay home and play Sonic Adventure all day (AS IF!!) or watch her movies. She even faked a cough.
I'm such a hard Mum for making her kid go and have fun all day. I should be ashamed. *F-word*
I'm going to throw away all this chocolate and candy or what was the point of all those aerobics classes I embarrassed myself at recently?
ugh...the laundry is calling. BeepBeepBeepBeep. *sigh*
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The other blessing to befall me, was on Mother's Day, my sweet baby, who is 10 months old, finally accepted a drink from a bottle. I have struggled to free myself from the shackles of breastfeeding since she was four months old. I didn't want to quit completely, I was quite happy to express milk into a bottle to allow me some freedom of movement, discretion in public or to cook dinner without hearing her scream the house down. She refused. Anything in a bottle was refused; breastmilk, formula or even yummy sweet (very naughty) diluted fruit juice. She would cry until she vomited, and ultimately I gave up trying to bottle feed and gave in, shackled; ball and chain...only the chain was made of my breasts. She now favors the bottle over the breast and I can only assume it's because I was starting to not supply enough for her demand. Aw poor thing...Hooray for me! I haven't breast fed for two whole days and I'm not leaking, aching, spiking fevers or anything. I feel great!
Yes, my enormous knockers are shrinking, right before my eyes, but I'm okay with that. It would be nice to be my old DD again (I've been an F for almost a year now) and I know I must buy new bras. Underwire ones that pull the slack knockers back into military line. I was in an aerobics class yesterday, and was horrified at how much they giggle now, shrunken in their nursing bra. I'm going to have to tape them back before they end up bouncing off my knees.
Here I am: bright red hair, breasts that are for objectification and not food, body under reconstruction and spirit returning in small bursts. The blanket of maternity is lifting and I can again peek out into the sunshine and take comfort in the world around me and not hide from it. I've been a cave dweller, but I'm now taking steps to come out and smell the fresh Spring air, and pull a few weeds from my garden (Although I did have to stop every few minutes to pull something out of the baby's mouth; a rock, a weed, bird poop...all those things I'll be sure to tell her boyfriend when she's 15) and it was nice to see my baby smile into the breeze, point at the tree and say "blushkah".
I don't yet know who the hell I am, and I don't think I ever will. I change too much and too fast. I think that's okay though, I've made my peace with it. I am a human version of Pointilism; I may not make sense on close inspection, but pull back a wee bit and you may just figure me out.
Monday, March 21, 2005
I'll put something to distract folks...yes...Here's something to hold you over until I can string a complete thought without pain.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
I was born and raised in Massachusetts, where they pour green dye into the Charles river so it's green for the day...not that anyone really notices from it's usual murky brown, but it's the thought that counts. Everyone has green teeth from drinking green beer and they rush about shouting "Erin Go Braugh!" and I bet if you asked them, they'd have no clue what that actually meant. On this day, everyone is a friend when in the bar.
I always felt a bit of a fraud when taking part in the festivites, I have to admit. For one thing I'm not Irish, for another, I'm not Catholic, and yet from a very young age I was forced and compelled to take part in celebrating; and had no idea why.
I have a very clear memory of being in the 4th grade. My maths teacher was Mrs. O'Brien, a very petite, tough, funny red haired woman who was probably first generation American. she went mad for St. Patrick's Day and offered anyone who wore green on the day 20 bonus points on thier homework. I had forgotten it was St. Patrick's day, and didn't have any green on, so I didn't get any bonus points. I was the only kid in the class with nothing green...even the Kowalski kid had green ribbons in her hair. Mrs. O'Brien spoke to me in private about not "joining in" enough and that I should pay better attention to such things. For years after that humiliation, I would avoid the woman at all costs; shopping at the weekends I would run into other aisles so she wouldn't see me, or duck down alleys if she was walking down the pavement.
I now live in Scotland. St. Patrick's Day, is just another day. There are no parties, no green beer and no green rivers. The other thing I came to realise when I moved here is; All the U.K. countries have a patron Saint. Wales has St. David, England has St. George, Scotland has St. Andrew. All these Saints have a different history and reason for being a Saint. I can't help but wonder why folks back home never bothered with these Saints? I would've been proud to wear purple and a thistle (if I could find a thistle...) on November 30th to show my Scottish heritage, or Red and a Rose on April 23rd to show my English side. I'm not Welsh, but I'd understand all those folks with thier daffodils on March 1st were showing thier allegience to Wales; thier ancient home.
I feel I was cheated out of having my own little celebrations and showing where I came from. I was cheated out of having pride in my lineage which is just a few hundred miles east of Ireland. I didn't have to be ashamed for not wearing green or not being Irish and Mrs. O'Brien should be mightily ashamed of what she did and how she made me feel. I bet if I asked her if she knew when St. Andrew's day was she wouldn't know. I can't deny her bonus points on her math homework, but I can as a person "You lose 20 Humanity Points, you Witch!". My Ex-boyfriend Mike should be ashamed because he introduced me to his mother with "Anna" added as a middle name so she wouldn't know I wasn't Catholic.
I do offer my warmest affections to anyone who will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day (I know there's plenty of you out there...) enjoy yourselves. And I will make a promise to you all, that when November 30th rolls around, I will have very special, St. Andrew's Day post and I'm going to make an effort to bring hope and knowledge to those of you who, like me, suffer with an inferiority complex due to a lack of Irishness. I would also invite you to seek out your own origins as every country seems to have a patron saint, and histroy to learn and be scared by.
Éireann go Brách = Ireland Forever. Pronunciation: /Erin guh brawk/
Now you know.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Beware the Ducks
Now it appears that my warning was well anticipated, since the winner of the Ig Noble awards has done extensive research on the true nature of ducks. You can read, and see pictures here (Not really for the kiddies) of the homosexual, Necrophilliac Mallards . Full Story here in The Guardian
Sam Kinison would've loved this.
The Baby is Walking!!
She's only 10 months old...what a wee champ. She was locking her knees and standing by 13 weeks old, freaking out the health visitor; "She shouldn't be able to do that yet..." So we figured she would be an early walker. you would think that with all this extra exercise she would be sleeping a lot better...but no. She still wakes every 3-4 hours, just to let me know she's still alive. Charming.
As a result of the new legs, everytime I get near the computer, she falls and adds a new bruise to her forehead. She's also figured out how to climb the stairs so, of course, I'm on High Panic Alert all day.
Blogger seems to be rationing my comments to 1 or 2 per day...how very, very mean.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
"Give me a kiss."
"No way...you've not had a shave."
"I'm not into torture."
"A little kiss then."
"No...you have red hair in your beard. You have a ginger beard."
"Shut up; I do not!"
"Do so. You have a ginger beard like that famous guy."
"Which famous guy?"
"You know, the wee famous guy from Crieff."
"Wee famous guy from Crieff with a Ginger beard...You mean Ewan McGreggor?"
"That's the one. Like him."
"I look like Obi-Wan Kenobi...thanks."
He walks away...I'm still warming my bum on the door of the oven.
I Just want to say, I'm not ignoring people, I'm just not able to post comments right now...Blogger be damned! But I'm enjoying everything I see. Hopefully be talking to you soon! Have a nice weekend!
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
I cant keep up the God relationship because I've all ready promised away so much in return their good behavior, health and sleeping soundly that I have nothing left to promise and would have to become a Nun...and I just don't think they'll take me at the convent..even though a wee break would be wonderful, the outfit is really not flattering on someone with my figure.
I do count my blessings (Save them up in a glass jar beside my bed to bribe angels to sit with the sick kid overnight so I can get some sleep) that my children are completely normal; Your boring, everyday, run-of-the-mill, garden variety kids. But I am a big softie and I know it. I'm also a bit of a shoutie Mom, but I come from shoutie people, as does my Husband, so I now suffer a home that always has the volume on full blast. I have shoutie children too. It's a bit shocking to wake up at two in the morning and have dead silence in my home; save for the odd snores and blanket rustles, you know; the peaceful sounds that everyone is all right.
I know on many levels, I'm not a "Bad Mom". I'm over cautious, over protective and have an over-active imagination. To me there's a peadophile round every corner, a kidnapper in every clump of woods and a forgotten well in every field. I break out in hives when I see my daughter run at breakneck speed, downhill on the pavement. I have palpatations when she gets too close to the railings on the wharf and have visions of having to jump into the Bay to save her from drowning...of course while I'm in the water, a Kidnapper will steal my baby from her stroller. I never win in these scenarios.
A friend of mine, who I confide all my insane "end of the world" fantasies to, found a website that I have been looking at to offer me support, and a bit of perspective. I'm taking the anxiety one step at a time, one scenario at a time. I'm now able to let my daughter take the bus to school in the morning, and I have, a couple times on rainy awful days, let her take the bus home too. I can let her go out and play with her friends...at the beach without a grown-up!
Although I am considering getting her a mobile phone so I call and check up on her, or she can call for an ambulance if the need arises. She could handle that, I taught her how to dial 999 at the age of two. Anyway...as I was saying...There's this website that's helped me...it may help you, or someone you know.
The Bad Mothers Club
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
|Monday February 21, 08:36 AM |
ANCHORAGE, Alaska (Reuters) - A 44-year-old Anchorage man has had his penis surgically reattached after it was cut off by an angry girlfriend and flushed down a toilet, local police say.
The events unfolded about midnight on Saturday, after the pair had been arguing over an impending breakup, an Anchorage Police Department statement said on Sunday. At some point, the two decided to have sex and the man agreed to let the woman tie his arms to a windowsill.
But the woman used a kitchen knife to amputate her partner's penis and flushed it down the toilet, police said. She untied the man, drove him to a local hospital and was cleaning up the bloody scene when police arrived at the home, according to the statement.
Summoned by the police, workers from the local water utility pulled the toilet up from the floor and were able to recover the severed penis, which was rushed to the hospital for the successful reattachment surgery on Sunday morning.
Police declined to identify the victim, but said his assailant was 35-year-old Kim Tran. She was charged with assault, domestic violence and tampering with evidence, and jailed without bail.
I think that beats a Bobbit.
I wonder if a life as a Porn Star is in his future??
Monday, March 07, 2005
Now, don't get me wrong, I hold a very special place in my heart for Weird Al...I was even in his fan club for most of my teens until college poverty and a diet of ramen noodles cut my ties with Al. It's just that, other folks don't appreciate him the way I do.
So...I must insist on the link being followed so that you may share in my current insanity and dance with me...sing with me...and be angry with me.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
My Husband has always loved me with red hair (like it was when we first met) and when in the grocery store recently; he selected a red he thought would look good.
The color was supposed to be a dark cherry red, but as I was white blonde all ready, I'm now sporting a very punk rock fire red.
Little kids point at me now everywhere we go...and it's Great!
I love it!!
Friday, March 04, 2005
She begins to count perfectly up until 22...
"22, 29, 100, 110, 115, 123, 129, 133..."
"You missed a few in between, but not a bad job at all."
"How high did I get Mum?"
"133..you know..in 100 years, that's how old I'll be. 133."
"No you won't."
"I will too."
"Nuh-uh, cuz you'll be dead by then."
"You don't know that...people live to be really, really old now-a-days."
"Yeah, but not that old. You'll probably live to be 30 and that's all."
"Honey, I'm 33...that's three years older than 30. Go outside and play now."
Thursday, March 03, 2005
I've grounded my eldest.
She's got some pretty unsavoury bad habits, and Husband and I have tried for a long time (4 years in some cases) to get her to wise up and behave like a person and not an animal. Yesterday, in the course of a half an hour, she blatantly exhibited the following (degree of offence is on a 1-10 scale 10 being the worst and time We've spent trying to stop said behavior):
I picked her up after school and she...
1) Walked in and out of several private home-owner's flower gardens rather than use the sidewalk.(7 : for seven months)
2) Told me to carry her bag for her..not ask, and never said please. (9 : since she was a year old)
3) Picked her wedgie while walking down the busy street. (4 : for three months)
4) Then chewed on her hair. (4 : three weeks..new bad habit)
5) Stopped on the pavement, hands on hips, and shrilly shouted "Mummy, Stop telling me what to DO!" (10 : That's my job, it's what I do)
6) She then walked 20 paces behind me, one foot on the lawn of some poor home-owner...just to bug me. (5 (but felt like a 9) : see above)
7) We got home, and she didn't take her shoes off at the door and tramped mud onto the carpet all the way to the stairs. (7 : nine months, since the baby spends all her time on the carpet)
8) She "heavy sighed" me when I asked her, nicely, to carry her lunchbox into the house. (5 : about a year)
9)She walked over her sister, who was sitting on the floor, to fetch the lunchbox rather than walk around her. (10 : nine months, since baby was born)
10) She asked me, nicely, if she could play on the Dreamcast...while jumping on my sofa. (9 : she can use the "P" word when she wants to, but she's NEVER allowed to jump on the furniture)
That was the pre-clincher, I gave her one warning: Be naughty one more time, and you're grounded; no TV, No Dreamcast, No going out to play with her friends. While opening her mouth to complain about that...
11) She wiped her runny nose on the inside of her cardigan while a box of tissues was two feet away from her. (100 : Three years!!!!)
She then had a tantrum about it, called me a "Stupid mean Mummy!" and I grounded her for another day. (It got so easy after the first time.)
After a while she had calmed down, and was behaving herself again. The doorbell rang. It was her two wee pals from across the way. I told her she had to go and tell them she was grounded and not allowed to go out to play. The look of fear and shame that crossed her face was crushing to me. She was terrified to admit she had been naughty.
"Can you come out to play?"
"Just stuff. Sorry."
"Today and tomorrow."
A tear was in her eye and she shuffled her feet upstairs and lay quietly in her bed for about a half hour. I felt awful, awful, awful.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Time to catch up on my Q & As and My "you've Been Tagged " Thingys:
1.) Favorite childhood toy?
It's a toss up between my Barbie dolls or my roller skates. I loved my roller skates for a lot longer than my Barbies...Roller skates.
2.) Earliest memory-
I'm lying in my crib looking up at the cieling and I really like the little sparkles on it (It was very old fashioned plaster that had bits of local mica in it), when I told my mother about this, I knew the location of my crib and remembered a door being open on my right...she says I had to be about four months old.
3.) Childhood crush-
Danny Fenton, he was thirteen and I was eleven. He had dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes and was the nicest boy. He was never mean to me, even if I was a little squirt.
*warm fuzzy dream*
4.) Worst punishment ever-
I got an "F" on my report card and the whole family couldn't go to Disney Land for Summer holiday. I still get blamed for it twenty years later.
5.) Era of Music when you were 5-10 -
late Seventies early Eighties.
6.) Fashion at that time?
It was tight pants, cute tops, anything pink or purple. Jordache jeans and handbags, hot curlers on the sides of the face to get a Farrah Fawcett hair-do. Roller skates, roller skates, roller skates.
7.) Moment you felt on top of the world-
Just finished giving my college graduation speech to a crowd of four hundred people and they all stood up and cheered. (I was Student Government President graduated with honours, but did I get to Disney fucking Land for that..NO!)
8.) Best sexual experience-
With the man who broke my heart, in the hottest steamy shower. I was slightly sleepy and it was wonderful to have someone wash my hair and body and be very attentive.
9.) Worst sexual experience-
Besides the first time...it would have to be at the end of the best time when the steam got to me; I fainted and fell out of the shower.
10.) Things that make you go hmmmmmm?
The way kids act with other kids and no parents are around. I often think I should start a business where I can videotape these kids being animals and show it to thier parents so they can get them sorted out!
11.) Most embarrassing moment-
When child number one was a newborn and the washing machine broke down. I had an appointment for an engineer to come and fix it. I thought I'd better get the baby fed before he showed up so I wouldn't have to breastfeed in front of him. I used a breastpump to express enough for a bottlefeed; and on the other breast I had this wee cup with a spout that collects any drips. I put the cup on upside-down and the milk on that side dripped out the cup and down my shirt. I didn't notice until just after I'd opened the door for the engineer that was giving him half a wet t-shirt show.
12.) Something that took your breath away-
Falling backards off the swing.
13.) Biggest source of love in your life-
My kids and my Husband.
14.) Saddest moment of your life-
Coping with the death of my father while all my family was 3000 miles away and I couldn't come home.
15. Something frome your past that you would change-
I would not have had sex in high school. High school boys are completely clueless.
16.) Are you happy now?
17.) Who is your closest friend?
18.) Who is your biggest enemy?
Myself...especially when I'm in pissy mood.
19.) What is your best quality as a person?
I can find the funny in most situations.
20.) Who will answer these questions first?
I did...didn't you just read them???
Follow this to Kitten's to compare
and...I got it for free with a downgrade on my contract! HeeHee...I'm giddy!
Follow link to see it in all it's adorable-ness
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
The toast pops up. I cover the slices with real butter and then, one gets the chocolate and the other the peanut butter. There's only enough chocolate for one slice and I got it before Husband or Child could.
I go to the table, look out at the gorgeous view from my window. Wisps of steam whisper off the mug. I raise the chocolate covered toast to my lips, butter drips down my thumb and...
I see a small patch of cooked green fur on the toast's crust.
I had to throw both bits away and start with a new loaf of bread...both with peanut butter.
The mood was completely killed.
I am getting into this whole plagiarism thing... maybe my originality is disappearing, but it's a freezing Tuesday morning and it's the best I can do!
1. What time is it? 10:53AM
2. Name as it appears on birth certificate: NOYB
3. Nicknames: Lyv, Luvvie, HeyYou.
4. Piercing: just ears...but want my navel done.
5. Eye color: golden brown.
6. Place of birth: Cape Cod Mass. USA
7. Favorite food: Mashed potato with bacon bits and cheese.
8. Ever been to Africa? No
9. Ever been toilet papering? Yes...but then had to clean it up.
10. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes...
11. Been in a car accident? Nope.
12. Croutons or bacon bits: Bacon!!
13. Favorite day of the week: Wednesday (It's Hump Day!!)
14. Favorite restaurant: YO Sushi.
15. Favorite flower: Iris.
16. Favorite sport to watch: WWE Wrestling...sweaty oiled up men throwing each other about. or Rugby.
17. Favorite drink: H2O
18. Favorite ice cream: My own homemade strawberry. I follow Nigella Lawson's recipe.
19. Disney or Warner Bros.: W. B.
20. Favorite fast food restaurant: KFC
21. What color is your bedroom carpet: Blue. And not a nice blue either.
22. How many times did you fail your driver's test? In the USA, passed first time...still waitinf to take UK one
23. Before this one, from whom did you get your lastE-mail? "Horny Housewife wants to Fcuk you..."
24. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Tiffany's jewlers.
25. What do you do most often when you are bored? Cook. A lot.
26. Bed time: 10pm...2:30am...4:30am...
27. Who will respond to this Meme the quickest? *shrug* most friends are sleeping.
28. Who is the person you think is least likely to respond? "Jeff Goldblum" ; I agree.
29. FAVORITE TV SHOWS: GENERAL HOSPITAL, THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN, LITTLE ANGELS.
30. Last person you went out to dinner with: My good friend Marna.
31. Ford or Chevy? Both offer crap cars in UK. I want a Mazda RX8.
32. What are you listening to right now? the tumble dryer.
33. What is your favorite color? Red.
34. How many tattoos do you have? nil.
35. Have you ever run out of gas? In my car? No.
36. What is your favorite Book, Movie? Book: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin or Cross Stitch by Diana Gabaldon. Movie: Drop Dead Fred (I have a thing for Rik Mayall)
Follow link to Innocent's to compare