Sunday, September 04, 2005

I'm not bragging...I swear!

Had a day of shopping for the boring essentials. Needed new underthings. I've been putting it off for far too long. After pregnancy with it's shapeless giganta-pants and non-underwired plain but supportive bras, and the post-pregnancy giganta-pants and almost fun novelty of the pop-down cup nurning bras; it was time to accept the fact that the return to meness is now complete, I need to update the knicker drawer. Well, that and Aughra forced me to take a good hard look in there. I was suitably horrified. So off I go to the shops.

I try
John Lewis (please have a giggle at the Spanx high waisted power pants) first because they have a dedicated bra fitter whose main job is to pop boobs into bras, molest women mercilessly and then tell you it's not right. I made my appointment (Yes, she's that good!) and was subjected to an assault upon my person I could only dream of by someone taller, stronger and masculine.... sorry...was having fun in that daydream, but as it was, I was fondled by Natalie the 55 year old, 5foot high grandmother who was gibbering away to my daughter in her pram while snapping bra straps across my back and sides.

She came in and measured me up and asked me the question I was dreading..."What sized bra are you wearing right now?" Uhm..heehee. This is a pre-baby's a 38E. She rolled her eyes at me. "You're wearing the wrong size by a long shot. I'm fitting you for a 38FF." My jaw hit the floor. I looked down at myself...
no way! they just dont look that big. I thought she must be wrong. I got my mobile phone and sent a text to Husband who was in the electronics dept. eyeing up laptops and suchness: 38FF. Yikes!!

Natalie came back with four style to try and after much pulling, tugging and bounce testing and squishing she announces "Nope, not working. none of these look right. OK, I'm off for the 36G, be right back."
I could only stare at the door as Natalie locked it behind her. Did she just say 36G?? That can't be right. Surely that's what the really big, fat, grossly obese ladies wear. Not me...I'm not really...I can't's a joke. She's winding me up! I've not had fakies put in...these are my...these are mine. Boobs are supposed to shrink away after having babies, and breast feeding and all that...not get bigger! I realised I was having a mini-panic attack. I sent another text to Husband: Correction. 36G.

Natalie came back and we tried on another half dozen or so bras, but at this point I had lost interest, I was still in shock. Natalie says "I think you are between the two sizes, Here's a style you can take away today and stop wearing that bra you came in with." she handed me a bra that's incredibly boring, plain white, boulder holder styled. with a bow in the middle. It looked just like my first bra twenty years ago, but huge. "I'll make an appointment for you to come back in four weeks and we'll resize you again. I don't want to let you buy anything more because you'll be wasting your money. I'm very certain you'll be a 36G. Well, one of them is anyways." I stopped at that, Huh??? What did you say? "Well, I'm assuming your children prefered one breast over the other, and your breasts are now slightly different sizes, but it's not a worry, very common."

Now I've found out, my boobs are two different sizes. Really, should I be surprised? I mean my feet are two different sizes, so why the hell not the boobs too? So in four weeks time, I'll be back there at John Lewis meeting Natalie for another session of breast abuse. I did talk to her about what I can expect to pay for four bras in the 36G size range. At that question she fixed me with a look and put her hands on both my arms, as if to keep me from running away "You can pay up to £30 per bra. So expect to pay about £120-140 pounds if that's how many your needing." and shen she let me go, I said thanks, and I ran.

I'm stunned. Bunny in the headlights...haha headlights. Sorry, but shit! And I thought I was a low maintence kind of girl. Let me also say this, 36G = ugly ugly bras!! I'll not find any pretty bras in this size, unless I want to part with some serious cash. Or if I do find pretty 36G bras, they're not meant to be worn for very long...which is ok I suppose. Maybe I'll get a couple "feel pretty" bras. I just don't know right now. To make up for the ugly bra I got sent home with, I did manage to buy some new knickers that will make me feel pretty in the interum.

You A,B, and cup ladies...I envy you. Laugh at me if you will, I'm laughing too.

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