Friday, August 05, 2005

Bleh...

I'm having a depressed day today. I'm feeling headachey, run-down, harassed and well, a little pitiful.

I've been having a great time with the kids. Long walks, playing in the sandbox, reading stories and even going to the grocery store offers up plenty of laughs. It's been wonderful, I really don't know why I worked myself up into a wee fizz before school holidays because having the two girls around has been lovely.

Everytime I start to feel really happy, full of love and I see joy and laughter in my children's faces, I think "Why couldn't I have had a childhood like this"? And a part of me dies. I can't seem to enjoy a beautiful, happy moment with my kids without feeling sorry myself. Lame huh?

My childhood can be summed up with one word: Lonely. I was a lonely kid. Attention starved, love deprived and lonely. I had no friends because our neighbors were old people on one side and a nursing home full of old people on the other. The only kids nearby were from the only slum in my hometown; a single cul-de-sac that provided housing for veterans unable to work. On reflection they were all just fine people, but my parents still worried about me mixing with troublemakers. After a while, I became to afraid to make new friends and then became a target for bullies. My overall opinion of kids for many years was: They Suck.

My daughter has a lot of friends, and runs riot around our close-knit neighborhood. She knows several different Moms she can run too who will help with a skinned knee and I envy her. Not in an evil way, or course, I'm proud to give her this wonderful place to live and be happy in, but I still think, I wish it could've been the same for me.

I try and make myself feel better, make excuses andsay those "move on, get over it, can't change the past but only affect the future" type things, and they usually work, but not lately. I just remember everyone dumping on me, and being unable to laugh. I'm still not one of those laugh out loud kind of women, in fact, they usually make me think they're up to something. I'm suspicious.

Anyways. I'm just a bit blue about it. I know it'll pass, and it's probably hormones or something. I can't help but think, if I had a peek into my future, to see what was coming I might not get so depressed about my childhood. Not going to happen, I know. I try and be a super-mom to compensate, so my kids never have the same issues when they grow up. I hugs and kiss them every chance I get, I tell them I love them a dozen times a day and I tell them they're smart, special and how much I love being with them. The Baby doesn't get it yet, but I'm sure Sassy do does. I sure hope she does.

I've turned comments off because I didn't write this to beg folks for compliments and stuff. It's just what I'd write in any diary, about what's in my head/heart today. I need a hug more than an ego stroke today, I'll go get one from the kids. I know I've got to work through this before they become teenagers though...for now, I'll hug my kids.