Sunday, February 20, 2005

Jokes For a Grouchy Monday!

I promised some dirt. This is as good as it gets for me. I don't like smut, but clever dirt.

The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts: animals, clowns, contortionists, etc. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet five inches tall, and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants, whips out an impressive prodigious member, grabs it in his hand, and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of the clowns.

Ten years later, the same salesman visits the same Little town
and sees the same circus being advertised with the same (now faded) banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein!" Our friend the salesman can't believe the old guy is still alive; much less still doing his act! So, he buys a ticket and sits through the various acts, waiting for the big finale. Finally, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts,three coconuts are on the table. As before, old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He unzips his fly and proceeds to smash the coconuts with three swings of his amazing schlong. The crowd goes wild!

The salesman requests a meeting with him
after the show. In Goldstein's dressing room, the salesman tells him he's never seen anything like Goldstein's act. But, he wants to know why Goldstein,at his age, is now smashing large coconuts instead of the much smaller walnuts.

"Vell," says Goldstein, wearily, "My eyes aren't vhat they used
to be!"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father
of many."

The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting very impatient, said, " I am the father of
hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but leaving the bus he leaned over and
said...."Well maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead
of your collar."


This guy who owns a horse farm gets a call from a friend.
The friend says, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, and I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth. Can I see her mouf?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth. "Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"Okay, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that, the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget, and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

1 comment:

sCruuw said...

Very funny Lyvvie! I heard the midget one befor years ago in a bar...thanks for reminding me of that one!