Thursday, January 27, 2005

Realization is a scary thing

It's so much easier to live in denial. I really want to go back to when I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain any weight, but then I would be only five years old and I've come this far so I suppose I'm just going to have face facts and come to grips with reality.

It's now taken me nine months to come to the realization that, when you work from home; you have easy access to the refrigerator. I'm also the one who buys the food to fill the refrigerator. So taking those two points to heart it can only spell out the truth; I'm overweight because I buy crap, put it in the refriderator and then eat it.

Even though I've just come clean, I still feel myself wanting to defend my actions, like a teenager busted for drinking beer in the basement. I feel I should be able to eat what I want when I want and damn the consequences. I mean what consequences can there be for eating half a loaf a bread before Noon because the taste of cinnamon toast is so relaxing and comforting? How about diabetes. I don't have diabetes, but it runs in my family on my father's side. My mother's side has alcoholism, but I rarely drink and the smell of liquor makes me gag...I usually overcome it though, I'm not teetotal. My Dad had diabetes, and I watched him struggle and suffer until he died at the age of sixty-four. I know he got diabetes when he was thirty-four, I just turned thirty-three, and I'm getting scared.

I've been bread binging for a few weeks. Scones with butter and jam, cinnamon toast, cinnamon raisin bagels, chocolate shortbread cookies. Often I run up to the shops buy something, eat it and hide the wrappers. I prefer cake and bread over candy bars and sweets, for some reason I find binging on candy perverse unless you're in a movie theatre. I feel absolutely miserable; my skin is a mess, I struggle to concentrate, I have no energy and I catch myself losing my temper quite easily. There's a big cloud of shame that I run away from, and anything I do that may hurt my kids, like shouting for no reason or worse, ignoring them because I'm too grumpy and irritable to be bothered makes me feel awful and like a bad parent.

So, this morning I decided to be a bit patrician, and I'm cutting out in between meal snacks. No more fridge-grazing. It's funny how your mind will try and trick you out a goal.

A voice in my head says "go ahead and have a carrot stick, it's only a carrot stick, that's healthy, that's allowed." but I have to steel myself, no food between meals.
After breakfast I made a cup of tea "Wouldn't a cookie go nice with that tea?"

"Well, yes, but I'm not having one. "

"Wha...wha...what do you mean??" the urge pulls tighter.

"No food in between meals!" I say firmly. I make my tea and fill a tall glass with water. I will be drinking water every time I have a craving.

"Well, fine. How about some toast then. A little sugar, some cinnamon. Would go very nice with that tea. We got the kids up and ready, one off to school, go ahead, you deserve it."

"I'm not hungry." and I can't remember the last time I felt my stomach growl for food.

"So. Since when is that an issue?" the urge asks.

"Since now. Since today. You better get used to it."

"I don't think so." The urge pulls again and doubles its efforts. I feel twitchy, nervous and when I can't take it anymore, I stalk out of the kitchen with my two cups. The urge follows. "I'm sure we can come to an arrangement. How about just a wee drink of maple syrup, or a spoonful of chocolate ice cream? There's peanut butter in the cabinet, get the big spoon, have a half spoon of peanut butter with a half spoon of ice cream..."

"SHUT UP! Shut. Up. I'm not gonna, you can't make me so shut up and drink the water."

The urge was momentarily stunned, but we've been here before. It's a very cocky urge. It's used to having its own way and will annoy and harass me for hours, days, weeks. I'm not looking forward to the crying, screaming tantrum of a nagging urge to consume cake. The hard part is, it's my husband's birthday today, so I know there will be cake, because I'm going to buy one. The urge will feel it's had it's way and the fight will start all over again tomorrow. I'm going to stick to the following rules:

1.) No food in between meals.

2.) Lunch will be soup, any kind of soup, but must be soup and I can have two bowls full if I want to.

3.) Any cravings will be washed down with water until it goes away.
Eat only when my stomach tells me it's empty.

At the moment I think that's enough. I'm drinking decaff tea and coffee too. I think it will have a positive effect. I hope so anyways. I'm expecting this to be even harder than quitting smoking, with smoking you just don't buy them anymore and don't light one up and don't put it to your lips and inhale. Eating is another thing, I have to go to the grocery store, I have to buy food. This is a bit trickier.

I'm not a religious person, but it's times like these when the words "Let me not be led into temptation..." come to mind and a prayer to God does offer some comfort. A silent ally to help fight a silent urge.
I need a glass of water.

Now, not only do I want a cookie, but I want a cigarette too.


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