Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Adolescent Again

I am going through a second adolescece. My hormones have been raging for over a year now with pregnancy, birth, breast feeding and now a return to blazing PMS. I've developed a touch of acne, something I didn't suffer from the first time around and I blame those hormones again. I'm not working, and I have several hours of idleness to fill with something useful.

There lies the difference I suppose with me at 13 and me at 33. At 13 I would spend those hours watching television or trying to find patterns in the stucco ceilings. Things are different now, I have children to care for and a house to manage. Chores and baby sitting. I have lots of tedious chores and yet this time around I don't earn an allowance that I can spend on eye shadow and black eyeliner. I'm also a permanent baby-sitter; full-time, but then that's my fault for having sex, so I can't really moan about it. There is still this element of freedom that I'm learning to come to grips with.

As a teenager, I was bored. I didn't want to do anything, and yet I wanted entertained. I wanted to talk to my friends and be seen in public. I forever thought my life was being broadcast on live television and I better put on a damned good show; and I did. I was loud, obnoxious, flirtatious, promiscuous and a complete pain in the butt. I didn't want to be bothered with cleaning my room, folding laundry, scrubbing floor tiles or dusting; I was creating a life for myself. I colored my hair in outrageous shades of purple and red (never at the same time though.) I wore skin tight jeans and stole my Dad's tuxedo shirts. I had to beg for every inch of clothing from my mother who though buying me clothes was a wasted investment ; as stated before I wouldn't clean, iron or wash so she wouldn't spend good money on good clothes for me to walk on, and borrowed a fair few from friends. I wanted to have fun and homework didn't count, school didn't count, church definitely didn't count and family were a big nuh-uh. I could take care of myself and I wanted to show them all that I could.

Rebellious, angry and feeling neglected for my lack of Eighties extravagance I eventually settled into the fact that I was too young to drink and go clubbing, realizing that and no television camera was perpetually interested in my antics. Big Pout. I was too old to play with toys and dress-up; so where was I? There I embarked on discovering who I was. I was going to "Find Myself". What a waste of time! I wish someone had told me then that you are never the same person from year on year, so discovering yourself was a complete impossibility; a fruitless journey. I had far more fun falling in love several times, moving across the world, getting married (once), having a few fun careers, and then having kids.

Where do I find myself today? I've just filled in the form that tells my employer I'm resigning at the end of my maternity leave. I've had several emotions so far ranging from guilt at letting my co-workers and customers down, happy I'll be spending more time with my kids, sad I'm not following my career goals, happy I'll be able to write more, afraid what so much easy access to the fridge will do to my waistline, terrified at the prospect of using my exercise DVD's and wearing sweats, deviously ashamed at being able to watch General Hospital again, worried my brain will turn to oatmeal with the baby as my constant company, worried further that I wont have any friends anymore, thanking my lucky stars that I'll have no more office politics or performance reviews or customer service complaints.


I have a lot to look forward to and a lot more maturity to notice everything around me, not focus on what's noticing me. I'm going to find a couple of Mom and baby clubs, and meet a few new people, I'll give Tae-bo a serious try this time, I'll dress only in casual clothes I'll wear black eyeliner and, you know, I may just dye my hair purple and red this time.


1 comment:

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